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I'm now a madhatter

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larac123 posted 3/29/2014 11:14 AM

I have used his affair to play the victim. I have been wanting out of the marriage for quite some time..but cheating was not the way to leave.
I am at a loss..

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 3/29/2014 12:21 PM

Are you still in the A?

Do you know how you made it okay in your mind to do this to *yourself*?

Does your H know about the A? If so, what was his response?

LosferWords posted 3/29/2014 16:37 PM

What's going on, Larac?

We're here to help and support.

larac123 posted 6/25/2014 01:46 AM

erased because I posted twice

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

larac123 posted 6/25/2014 01:47 AM

Sorry i took so long..nothing made it okay..i was still angry with him..i had caught him looking at more things online and the last straw was when i found cl emails looking and responding to bi sex. I told him i was DONE. I WANTED A DIVORCE. he wanted to work it out and i said Hells no.
I let everything from the marriage going wrong after the affair About the affair.

I got Honest with myself and finally asked myself if i would still want to be with him had the infidelity never took place. And the answer was no.
3 weeks after I filed the paperwork I slept with someone . I guess i wanted to really see if i still had feelings for him.
when I told him that I had slept with someone he got irateand granted me the divorce.
looking back now I know I made the right decision divorcing him. I no longer trigger every time I see him because I don't see him I no longer check his phoneI'm no longer constantly worriedI'm no longer depressed. What I feel terrible about is that I did cheatand I really wish that I would have left under different circumstances

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:50 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Unagie posted 6/25/2014 10:55 AM

Did you cheat to force him to grant the divorce? Why did you think it was okay to do this not just to him but to yourself?

larac123 posted 6/25/2014 23:29 PM

Oh i never once thought it was okay..Trust me..i filed. .i had already been out of the home...and he would not let up at all. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. In my mind i did the one last thing i could do to get out..because filing was not enough..i was done..i was willing to sacrifice my own values to get the hell out..
Once i went and slept with someone he saw me as tainted/dirty/ really done. I remember him saying" you want a divorce? Prove it" i filed the paperwork and said' there..i proved it" And that was not Enough..he then said " prove it by leaving with nothing" And so i did..signed everything over to him..that was not enough..
I dont know..What i can say is that it was not okay and nothing made it okay before or after..

Unagie posted 6/26/2014 04:05 AM

Perhaps the word okay was the wrong choice here. What made you capable of sacrificing your morals? Was there no other recourse to getting a divorce? See blaming someone else for our behaviors is when we stop searching for the real reason. He sounds remorseless, he sounds a bit abusive by lording "power" over you. Power is in quotation because it wasnt real power he just thought it was. Now while I think all this of him I also wonder why you let it be your solution. Remember we can't control how others act but we can control how we react.

lieshurt posted 6/26/2014 07:41 AM

You'd moved out and had filed for divorce and then you slept with someone? I don't see how that equates to you cheating. Unless, you were already involved with this person before any of this had occurred. Otherwise, I don't see it as cheating.

itainteasy posted 6/26/2014 08:58 AM

I also don't see how this makes you a madhatter.

You filed. You were done.

Yes, technically you're still married, but you took the steps to end the marriage BEFORE you slept with someone else.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought a madhatter was someone who was betrayed and wayward in the same relationship, AND was trying for R?

Darkness Falls posted 6/26/2014 09:29 AM

I don't think a madhatter has to be trying to reconcile... I think it just means they both cheated.

TrustedHer posted 6/26/2014 09:41 AM

Not a MH in my book.

You filed.
You gave up your rights to property.
You were separated.
You had no intention of ever going back.
You were actively pushing him away while he was hoovering/trying to be a cake-eater.

The marriage is/was over. The rest is paperwork.

Ill-advised? Absolutely, yes. You clearly aren't ready for a new relationship, or you wouldn't be judging yourself so harshly. Your reasons were incorrect.

But your STBX has no reasonable expectation of fidelity at this point. None.

larac123 posted 6/27/2014 05:37 AM

Guess i see it that way because i was still married..and I'm not the type to just have sex..maybe it's not cheating but in a way..to me it is..those are my values..you don't Just sleep with someone to accomplish something YOU want. Know what i mean? And i was still married..when if it was only on paper. .
I really wanted to walk away from this marriag without him ever saying i cheated too. I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..

TrustedHer posted 6/27/2014 14:47 PM

I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..

I suppose it should bother you. How can you grow from this? What have you learned? Are you in IC? Can you get to the "why" you violated your values?

Does it make you feel better to beat yourself up?
Could you perhaps work on new assertiveness tools so you can stand up for your own self, instead of contriving ways to make your STBX leave you alone?

Your values are not my values. But you recognize you crossed your own boundaries. It would be good to figure out why, and how to stay within them in the future.

Mrs Panda posted 6/27/2014 19:27 PM

What bothers you? That you crossed your boundaries ?

Or that your husband used it against you to call you tainted, and the hypocrisy angered you?

One thing is true...."revenge cheating" never has the intended effect.

worried_lady posted 6/27/2014 23:21 PM

I don't see this as a MH at all. You are separated, filed for divorce. Are you ready for a relationship......no but you are not a cheater. What I think.........I think the minute your not soon enough to be X found out he made you feel like you were on his level. He can't say you cheated. That is not the only reason he signed...nope don't buy it at all. IS he low enough to use it to make you feel bad about yourself. I bet it he. No don't fall for his game. You need to be away from him and get your thoughts straight. He is playing with your mind. Don't let him. You are far from a cheater. You are a beautiful person that is very down about the situation in your life. This was not supposed to be how it ended. He was not supposed to cheat. I think many women in your shoes have slept with somebody too soon after they have filed for divorce. The pain can be horrible. For just a second it is nice to be able to close your eyes and take a deep breath. With what you have been living with you have not felt safe enough to take a deep breath for a very long time.

You are not a MH. You are not a cheat. You are surviving the best you can for the hell you have been through. Don't beat yourself up. Each day just wake up a little stronger and regain your self esteem and dignity. Don't let him take you all. Be good to yourself.

(((larac123)))

BrokenButTrying posted 6/28/2014 03:08 AM

Lara, you are not a MH. You had filed, your M was over and both of you were very aware of that.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with.

It was definitely too soon for you to have a sexual relationship with someone and you definitely did it for the wrong reasons. I think you need to talk to your IC about it, work through your feelings leading up to the encounter and establish some better coping mechanisms.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:08 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]

wishicouldredo posted 6/28/2014 09:48 AM

I also agree it's not cheating.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with

^^^ This. Exactly this. Don't be so hard on yourself.

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