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Wayward Side :
I'm now a madhatter

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 larac123 (original poster member #32088) posted at 5:14 PM on Saturday, March 29th, 2014

I have used his affair to play the victim. I have been wanting out of the marriage for quite some time..but cheating was not the way to leave.

I am at a loss..

Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011   ·   location: Larac123
id 6740601
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ThoughtIKnewYa ( member #18449) posted at 6:21 PM on Saturday, March 29th, 2014

Are you still in the A?

Do you know how you made it okay in your mind to do this to *yourself*?

Does your H know about the A? If so, what was his response?

posts: 12227   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2008
id 6740655
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 10:37 PM on Saturday, March 29th, 2014

What's going on, Larac?

We're here to help and support.

posts: 31109   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 6740879
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 larac123 (original poster member #32088) posted at 7:46 AM on Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

erased because I posted twice

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011   ·   location: Larac123
id 6848189
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 larac123 (original poster member #32088) posted at 7:47 AM on Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Sorry i took so long..nothing made it okay..i was still angry with him..i had caught him looking at more things online and the last straw was when i found cl emails looking and responding to bi sex. I told him i was DONE. I WANTED A DIVORCE. he wanted to work it out and i said Hells no.

I let everything from the marriage going wrong after the affair About the affair.

I got Honest with myself and finally asked myself if i would still want to be with him had the infidelity never took place. And the answer was no.

3 weeks after I filed the paperwork I slept with someone . I guess i wanted to really see if i still had feelings for him.

when I told him that I had slept with someone he got irateand granted me the divorce.

looking back now I know I made the right decision divorcing him. I no longer trigger every time I see him because I don't see him I no longer check his phoneI'm no longer constantly worriedI'm no longer depressed. What I feel terrible about is that I did cheatand I really wish that I would have left under different circumstances

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:50 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011   ·   location: Larac123
id 6848190
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Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Did you cheat to force him to grant the divorce? Why did you think it was okay to do this not just to him but to yourself?


posts: 3615   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2012
id 6848592
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 larac123 (original poster member #32088) posted at 5:29 AM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Oh i never once thought it was okay..Trust me..i filed. .i had already been out of the home...and he would not let up at all. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. In my mind i did the one last thing i could do to get out..because filing was not enough..i was done..i was willing to sacrifice my own values to get the hell out..

Once i went and slept with someone he saw me as tainted/dirty/ really done. I remember him saying" you want a divorce? Prove it" i filed the paperwork and said' there..i proved it" And that was not Enough..he then said " prove it by leaving with nothing" And so i did..signed everything over to him..that was not enough..

I dont know..What i can say is that it was not okay and nothing made it okay before or after..

Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011   ·   location: Larac123
id 6849465
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Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 10:05 AM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Perhaps the word okay was the wrong choice here. What made you capable of sacrificing your morals? Was there no other recourse to getting a divorce? See blaming someone else for our behaviors is when we stop searching for the real reason. He sounds remorseless, he sounds a bit abusive by lording "power" over you. Power is in quotation because it wasnt real power he just thought it was. Now while I think all this of him I also wonder why you let it be your solution. Remember we can't control how others act but we can control how we react.


posts: 3615   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2012
id 6849521
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lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 1:41 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

You'd moved out and had filed for divorce and then you slept with someone? I don't see how that equates to you cheating. Unless, you were already involved with this person before any of this had occurred. Otherwise, I don't see it as cheating.

No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.

posts: 22643   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2007   ·   location: Houston
id 6849632
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itainteasy ( member #31094) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

I also don't see how this makes you a madhatter.

You filed. You were done.

Yes, technically you're still married, but you took the steps to end the marriage BEFORE you slept with someone else.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought a madhatter was someone who was betrayed and wayward in the same relationship, AND was trying for R?

posts: 3446   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2011   ·   location: NWPA
id 6849740
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 3:29 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

I don't think a madhatter has to be trying to reconcile... I think it just means they both cheated.

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 6849780
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TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Not a MH in my book.

You filed.

You gave up your rights to property.

You were separated.

You had no intention of ever going back.

You were actively pushing him away while he was hoovering/trying to be a cake-eater.

The marriage is/was over. The rest is paperwork.

Ill-advised? Absolutely, yes. You clearly aren't ready for a new relationship, or you wouldn't be judging yourself so harshly. Your reasons were incorrect.

But your STBX has no reasonable expectation of fidelity at this point. None.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

posts: 5942   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
id 6849801
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 larac123 (original poster member #32088) posted at 11:37 AM on Friday, June 27th, 2014

Guess i see it that way because i was still married..and I'm not the type to just have sex..maybe it's not cheating but in a way..to me it is..those are my values..you don't Just sleep with someone to accomplish something YOU want. Know what i mean? And i was still married..when if it was only on paper. .

I really wanted to walk away from this marriag without him ever saying i cheated too. I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..

Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011   ·   location: Larac123
id 6851169
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TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, June 27th, 2014

I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..

I suppose it should bother you. How can you grow from this? What have you learned? Are you in IC? Can you get to the "why" you violated your values?

Does it make you feel better to beat yourself up?

Could you perhaps work on new assertiveness tools so you can stand up for your own self, instead of contriving ways to make your STBX leave you alone?

Your values are not my values. But you recognize you crossed your own boundaries. It would be good to figure out why, and how to stay within them in the future.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

posts: 5942   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
id 6851983
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Mrs Panda ( member #27303) posted at 1:27 AM on Saturday, June 28th, 2014

What bothers you? That you crossed your boundaries ?

Or that your husband used it against you to call you tainted, and the hypocrisy angered you?

One thing is true...."revenge cheating" never has the intended effect.

Me-48 FWW Him 51BH
M 20 years,. Fully Reconciled ❤️.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

posts: 2080   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2010   ·   location: NY state
id 6852294
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worried_lady ( member #27605) posted at 5:21 AM on Saturday, June 28th, 2014

I don't see this as a MH at all. You are separated, filed for divorce. Are you ready for a relationship......no but you are not a cheater. What I think.........I think the minute your not soon enough to be X found out he made you feel like you were on his level. He can't say you cheated. That is not the only reason he signed...nope don't buy it at all. IS he low enough to use it to make you feel bad about yourself. I bet it he. No don't fall for his game. You need to be away from him and get your thoughts straight. He is playing with your mind. Don't let him. You are far from a cheater. You are a beautiful person that is very down about the situation in your life. This was not supposed to be how it ended. He was not supposed to cheat. I think many women in your shoes have slept with somebody too soon after they have filed for divorce. The pain can be horrible. For just a second it is nice to be able to close your eyes and take a deep breath. With what you have been living with you have not felt safe enough to take a deep breath for a very long time.

You are not a MH. You are not a cheat. You are surviving the best you can for the hell you have been through. Don't beat yourself up. Each day just wake up a little stronger and regain your self esteem and dignity. Don't let him take you all. Be good to yourself.

(((larac123)))

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

posts: 575   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 6852445
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BrokenButTrying ( member #42111) posted at 9:08 AM on Saturday, June 28th, 2014

Lara, you are not a MH. You had filed, your M was over and both of you were very aware of that.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with.

It was definitely too soon for you to have a sexual relationship with someone and you definitely did it for the wrong reasons. I think you need to talk to your IC about it, work through your feelings leading up to the encounter and establish some better coping mechanisms.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:08 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]

Madhatters - We have R'd.

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.

posts: 1363   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 6852515
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wishicouldredo ( new member #43623) posted at 3:48 PM on Saturday, June 28th, 2014

I also agree it's not cheating.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with

^^^ This. Exactly this. Don't be so hard on yourself.

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2014
id 6852685
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