"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I have a wonderful support person at work who is a FWW, and the OW as well. She reminded me (in regard to this particular issue) that I cannot expect a different person to think, learn, and grow exactly the same way I do. It was a revelation for me, and helped me to re-examine steps in our recovery from what works for ME to what can work for US.
Reading is still important to me, and I now believe that we are both trying to do what the other needs/wants, so we read out loud together. It's not much, just about 5 pages at a time, and definitely not every night. We do it when either one of us feels compelled, and it is almost entirely me - but that's ok with me now. I take comfort in the fact that he is always willing, never rolls his eyes or complains, and the fact that we both hear the same words at the same time.
We did this with 'after the affair' early on, but now we are reading books about relationships instead of survival.
Hugs. You are not alone.
We also read posts together on SI occassionally. This approach has worked for us.
[This message edited by whattheh at 12:11 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 11:38 AM, March 31st (Monday)]
I could have written your post a few weeks ago.
The thing that really struck me is your line that procrastination is a way of life for him. So, his lack of initiation and follow-through doesn't just apply to working on healing your relationship, but everything. I know firsthand how challenging it is to believe your spouse is fully dedicated to R when they seem to spend more time surfing the web than talking/reading/etc, but it might just be that procrastination in general is actually the issue, and not his dedication to R.
My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD. He's starting meds this week. While not a panacea by any means, we're super hopeful that when combined with habit modification, positive behavior changes will be easier. I don't know if this might be applicable to your husband, but it can't hurt to read up and discuss in IC, just in case.
It's so frustrating sometimes to think you are the only one pushing R, and without you, the life boat would sink. I'd suggest maybe being very explicit with the things you'd like him to do--finish x book by y date so we can discuss--and writing a list for him. Sometimes having a visual reminder can help, especially if your husband, like mine, struggles with auditory memory.
This struck something in me about my own journey, too. It seems he's very focused on helping you with your pain and doing things to move forward, but avoiding things having to do with the past. I might be wrong, but from your post he listens to you talk and ask questions about the A, but doesn't really initiate those discussions or share his feelings and thoughts about it--doesn't explore it WITH you. These observations, along with his possible resistance to doing things on his own that explore the A (reading, writing, etc.), might reveal a resistance to "going there" with you. His guilt and shame might make it difficult for him to "be in it" and explore the ways in which he hurt you and damaged the relationship.
I've had success in reading things that I want him to hear out loud to him, or I'll dog ear pages and hand him the book to read those pages.
It's not that my H doesn't think our R is important enough, he is a procrastinator with a very short attention span when it comes to reading. I on the other hand enjoy reading.
I am a fWW. I can speak about what I did honestly because I am no longer that person. I make healthy choices now. When/if my husband comes to me with hurt and I can't respond due to my own pain then it becomes about me. Your husband may gain some help by posting here, specifically on the wayward forum?
He found the time and the ways to cheat on you, he can find the time and the energy to help make it right. It is very important for the BS to not accept less that what you NEED. And right now, he's dragging his feet and making your hurt worse instead of better. Many waywards think they can half-ass their way through recon much like most of them half-assed their way through their marriages. Well, that doesn't work any more. It's 100% effort, all day, all the time. To allow less it to only torture yourself and drag this process out even longer.
Whether he is conflict avoidant, or full of shame, or what have you, is irrelevant. His job is to identify it, and fix it. You should not have to hand hold him through this process. While many do, it slows the process down.
There came a time when I told my FWH that I would not remind him of my needs any more. But that if they were to continue to go unmet, they he would need to exit the marriage. Period. I mean, seriously. I don't care if someone isn't much of a reader. If it is going to save your marriage? Read the fucking book and stop being a fucking baby about it.
Demand more, my friend.
[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 11:48 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]