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Apparently we have different definitions of civility

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dbellanon posted 3/29/2014 23:17 PM

This morning, DD4 had her last ballet class of the the season. XWW had been bringing her for most of the classes, and I hadn't seen her dance since the first week, so I wanted to be there for the last session.

When I came in, I said hi to my daughter and took a seat a few chairs away from XWW. I didn't say hello to her, which apparently pissed her off because on the way out, she chewed me out in the parking lot for being "cold" to her.

I was seriously taken off guard. After all, I was there to see DD, not her. What did she care if I acknowledged her or not? But according to her, she was concerned that DD would notice that I was being cold to her, not giving her the time of day, etc., and told me that I needed to treat her the way I wanted DD to treat her, that my behavior was not, in her estimation, "civil."

Now for the record, I'm pretty sure I usually do say hello, but this is not the first time that she has chaffed against my dispassionate and businesslike demeanor with her. It seems to drive her crazy.

She told me "You need to get over whatever you need to get over. You need to start treating me like the mother of your child."

So two things: First of all, telling me that I need to get over whatever I need to get over has to be one of the most callous and oblivious things she possibly could have said. Second, what the hell does it even mean to treat her like the mother of my child?

I don't disparage her to DD, and I even try to drum up some excitement on DD's part for their time together. But I'm not going to pretend to be friends with her.

My response to this lecture was somewhat weak. I've gone over the scene a dozen times in my mind and I still have trouble deciding what I should have said, or what I should say if she brings it up again. There were a lot of things I could have said, but it would have been very easy to get drawn into a fight, and I didn't want to take the bait, or risk fighting in front of DD.

What would you do?


SBB posted 3/29/2014 23:37 PM

Next time your response should be to laugh and say:

"Sorry dude, this is as good as it gets for you. I'm here to see my daughter - not you. You deal with whatever you need to deal with and leave me the hell alone. What you think is none of my business. Furthermore, I don't actually care. Look up the word 'divorce' in the dictionary, it's right there in between 'cheating' and 'syphilis'".

The better, NC version is to completely ice her out. Don't even acknowledge her and move away when she speaks to you. Like you would a crazy person talking to you on the street.

The sad clown used to irritate me with "Good morning SBB!", "Hi SBB,", "Have a great day, SBB!". He still tries it to this day. I ice that fucker out. I'm so good at it that I don't even notice I'm doing it.

We had to share my big girls first day of school and he tried to cut me out of it by not allowing me to see her that morning (he had her the night before). He claimed I would make a scene even though I never have. I told him I would ignore him and expect him to ignore me and his response was "I would hope we could do better than ignore each other" my response was "this is as good as it gets for you, dude".

Amazing how they start spouting "for the kids" after what they've done. By amazing I mean hypocritical.

It is just another way they try to manipulate and control us.

They want an amicable D when it suits them - once there is nothing left for them to fuck us over with.

Civil = not throwing my shit at you. TBH my shit deserves better....

FTG. Fuck her to hell. There is no remarks column for her - what she thinks of you matters less to you than she might imagine.

[This message edited by SBB at 11:38 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]

Softcentre posted 3/30/2014 01:55 AM

Look up the word 'divorce' in the dictionary, it's right there in between 'cheating' and 'syphilis'".

t/j: LOVE IT!


Back on topic...She's looking for ego kibbles and threw a tantrum because you didn't give her any and made her look 'bad' (in her mind ) in front of the other mums (chances are she's told people you're still friends). It's confirmation that crickets works

Lobo posted 3/30/2014 02:49 AM

I would have said a short "hello". Just an acknowledgement of her presence, nothing more - if only for the sake of your daughter. Remember, children learn by what they see.

Sadmumma posted 3/30/2014 04:33 AM

Civil = not throwing my shit at you. TBH my shit deserves better....

Well now thats had be chckling for a while now.

Reminds me of something I said the other week ( to a GF) "I'd throw a shit filled baby nappy at OW but I wouldnt want to get skank on the nappy"

SBB posted 3/30/2014 05:50 AM

^^^

Skank on the nappy!! Love it! Immortalised in the quotes thread.

Abbondad posted 3/30/2014 06:01 AM

Dab,

Although I sometimes don't practice what I preach, I am firmly in the crickets camp. It's just the best default response in all situations. Literally every time STBX has wanted to talk to me, texts/emails me, and I responded--with anything--it has backfired on me and opened the gate to all sorts of hostility and game playing.

Now when I am tempted to respond to her, I run though each possible response (snarky, sarcastic, mild-mannered, non-committal, polite) and then reject each one of them, reciting to myself, "What's the point?" And then settle on silence.

Ignore her utterly. It's the best defense. Plus a nice side-effect is that it will drive her crazy. :-)

She just wants your attention in any way possible. Don't give it to her.

neverbeokay posted 3/30/2014 06:35 AM

she chewed me out in the parking lot for being "cold" to her.

This is not civil behavior.

But according to her, she was concerned that DD would notice that I was being cold to her, not giving her the time of day, etc., and told me that I needed to treat her the way I wanted DD to treat her, that my behavior was not, in her estimation, "civil."

Would DD notice she was picking a fight with you in a public place? Is that how she thinks DD should act?

She told me "You need to get over whatever you need to get over. You need to start treating me like the mother of your child."

Sorry exWS, you do not get to tell me what I need or how to act.

Nothing uncivil about ignoring someone who you don't wish to speak with, it is far more uncivil to pick a fight in a public place.

Don't spend another second feeling like you did anything wrong here. She just knows how to push your buttons because you are probably the kind of guy who wants to be polite and a gentleman. Ignore that crazy.

tesla posted 3/30/2014 08:01 AM

I was going to see a riding lesson that stripper-shat signed teslet up for. I thought long and hard about whether I would acknowledge him and how I would deal with him if he tried to engage with me.

I decided that I would acknowledge him with eye contact and a nod...
If he tried to start small talk with me, I would say, "uh-huh...isn't that nice," in my sweetest teacher voice possible.

And if he had the balls to accuse me of being uncivil and not treating him as the father of his child, I would have said this:

"That's odd, I figured that your manner of leaving me meant you have no need of my consideration or civility."

Turns out they didn't show up for the riding lesson.

wonderpets posted 3/30/2014 08:27 AM

After 6 months or so , I decided I was done forever with lectures from her. "I know you are upset, but I do not care. Never talk to me like that" summarized my feelings, then enforcement of separation agreement terms strictly for a month or two.

When we get along, we are usually pretty flexible with the kids, so this can be a big inconvenience for her.

Merlin posted 3/30/2014 08:42 AM

Your behavior is your behavior.

Her reaction to your behavior is her reaction to your behavior.

No intersection of the two is required.

nekorb posted 3/30/2014 09:06 AM

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. I also don't see it as the only option, but it's the one you chose. :::shrugs:::

I agree with the others that she is just trying to get ego kibbles or otherwise engage you for reasons that only exist in her time and space.

Since we aren't living separately yet I haven't had to deal with this situation. I know it will come up. I'm pretty friendly and issue benign greetings to strangers, even, so I imagine my goal will be to treat WH with the same attitude that I extend to those people. We don't have to be friends to be in the same physical space and be cordial.

Idk. We will see. Like I said, I'm not in that position yet. You know what they say about the best laid plans....

Catwoman posted 3/30/2014 09:54 AM

I, too, was subjected to a tantrum for not being "nice."

Apparently, I was supposed to stay and chit chat with him in the parking lot, vs. taking the CatKid and leaving to run a school-related errand for said CatKid.

Translation: I was looking for my ego kibbles and you didn't give them to me! It's not fair!

I am no longer in the ego kibble business. Sorry.

Cat

BtraydWife posted 3/30/2014 10:03 AM

She told me "You need to get over whatever you need to get over. You need to start treating me like the mother of your child."

That's hilarious. You hurt her feelings and she tried to turn it around on you. Just laugh at her and walk away next time.

shiloe posted 3/30/2014 10:10 AM

Just laugh at her and walk away next time.

^^This

or just walk away. Do not look it in the eye.

Look over it or through it, when it is done harping, just walk away.

PurpleRose posted 3/30/2014 11:50 AM

She told me "You need to get over whatever you need to get over. You need to start treating me like the mother of your child."


Oh, does she mean like the way she treated you- the FATHER of her child? With the single most disrespectful behavior one could show to their spouse? That kind of behavior?

What a loon.

She deserves nothing from you, least of all acknowledgement of her presence or innocuous conversation.

Ice ice baby. Just keep singing that in your head- it will remind you to give her the crickets she deserves, with the added bonus of putting a silly grin on your face from having the visualization of Vanilla Ice in all his white-boy wannabe rapper glory!

damncutekitty posted 3/30/2014 12:11 PM

It would be tempting to remind her that she hasn't treated you with the respect due to you as the father of her child since well before the D. But I wouldn't expect a favorable reaction to that one.

Your best bet is to just ignore her little tantrums.

still2suspicious posted 3/30/2014 14:57 PM

If your DD is right there amongst you two, well then MAYBE a cold nod, or hi, would be appropriate.

Otherwise, crickets, with maybe a look of "crap, I got shit on shoe" would be more appropriate.

Give her what she deserves: nada!

Come up with a saying that fits YOU. Practice it over, and over, in your head and mirror. That way the next time she has the balls to snark at you it will just roll off your tongue. Don't let her suck you back into the "what's best for DD". She obviously does not practice what she preaches, does she??

Don't feel bad about your response. We ALL can come up with the best comeback after thinking about it for a while. That's why if you have your response down pat BEFORE hand you know you won't beat yourself up afterwards. I know, easier said than done.

Sending strength.

Random thoughts posted 3/30/2014 15:12 PM

A "sorry you feel that way" would have been fitting this is her problem to work out like she told you to do.

Or "sorry my lack of acknowledgement sent you into a tizzy I'll try better next time.

Thefly559 posted 3/30/2014 15:25 PM

No contact , No response ,No acknowledge of existence is best in my opinion. SBB hit it on the head civil = not throwing shit at you!!!!! this is great!!!!

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