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My fault.

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Zayda1 posted 3/30/2014 06:55 AM

We are coming up on the 2nd antiversary and I am still struggling. I can tell that my IC is frustrated with me. The issue is that after all this time, after spending thousands in MC and IC I still struggle with believing his affair wasn't my fault.

You see I nagged, complained, whined and generally made him feel he never did anything right. I would complain because he didn't push the button down in the shower and I got soaked every morning. I complained and whined when he unexpectedly had to work late and I was left alone to take care of our kids. I would yell when he wrestled with the kids at bedtime. I would get angry when he put my work shirts in the dryer.

I have really tried to stop doing these things. I try to be supportive. When he works late I say "ok, no problem, I'll handle things at home", but inside I'm screaming "are you working or are you having sex with someone else". I try to combat this by asking "you know what I need from you right?" To which he will respond "yes, photos and gps." I hate that I have to remind him for reassurance, but I also realize it's my fault. If I had been nicer to him he wouldn't have turned to another woman. I still feel I am not doing enough for him. Seriously, I'm laying in bed typing this while he is downstairs feeding our kids breakfast and doing the dishes.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be a good wife? Why do I keep resenting my own husband. This can't be healthy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I work full time, am doing college courses online, am dealing with some major feminine issues and surgery (biopsy and ablation) in June and all I can do is sit here and feel sorry for myself because my husband f'd some chick a couple of years ago. Why can't I just live in the present and deal with my real issues instead of making WH's affair my main issue?

I just feel so messed up.

justme1264 posted 3/30/2014 07:17 AM


Listen - as a fellow BS - we sometimes find reasons to take cause for the A. The truth is...again and I wasnt your fault. He fucked up - yes that is the right word - by BETRAYING you.

Reality check because you need it right now. My wife nagging me about things or complaining or anything else NEVER EVER gave me the consideration to justify screwijg another woman and breaking my vows otherwise we all would be cheaters.

Marriage problems no matter what they are should be addressed by each in a healthy way or D. Simple as that. Your husband's A was never about you it was about him.

I know, finding blame in yourself is a way to make sense of what is senseless. But you are wrong. It isnt your fault even .00000000001 percent.

Now, I dont care if you need him to send you a pic every minite of his day or quit his job. It isnt about what is needed to be done it is about what you need to feel secure in your marriage. He broke that...he needs to fix it. No matter how. That's called remorse. Continue IC and MC. And be easier on yourself.

brokensmile322 posted 3/30/2014 09:09 AM

Hi Zayda,

I was reading your post and something struck me …

You say that you believe his A was a result of your awful behavior.

But then you go on to say that you are resentful.

What are you resentful of? Is it the A only? Is it 'all that you do'? (college, work full time, take care of house etc…) Try to identify what you are resentful and angry about in detail.

Dig deeper… There might be answers hidden in those feelings.

eachdayisvictory posted 3/30/2014 10:45 AM

I agree, keep digging. You have to figure out what you are really hung up on.

I would suggest that you read through the thread titled 'radical acceptance' that is on the first page here. I think some of it may be relatable for you.

You are not alone, I was a shit to my husband pre-A, but that does not excuse what he did. Nor does his A excuse my shit behaviour. Acceptance is key for me.

Just edited to add that the 'serenity prayer' says a lot for me too, even though I'm not religious, in fact I'm borderline anti-Christian (FOO issues), but the idea is so great;

Grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

These are the things I focus on now.

[This message edited by eachdayisvictory at 10:47 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Zayda1 posted 3/30/2014 11:55 AM

Thank you all for your input. I'm not really sure what I am resentful of. More for me to discuss with my IC. I'm heading to read the radical acceptance thread now.

Mousse242 posted 3/30/2014 19:20 PM

Umm nothing you did was wrong nor did it warrant you being cheated on.

Affairs have nothing to do with whether or not you were a "good" wife. It's about their ego. Period.

Your nagging at him was because he KNEW you got blasted in the face with the shower yet didn't care enough to bother to flip the switch. Your nagging at him about your work shirts was because he didn't care enough to take the time to sort them out of the laundry or not pay enough attention to whether he was putting them in the dryer in the first place. I'm going to guess that you complained about working late because he didn't give you a heads up at all earlier in the day that he might be working late, etc.

I'm not saying it was all his fault but him using you being a bad wife as an excuse is bullshit. Him being a better husband so you didn't have to nag would also have fixed the problem too.

FixYou71 posted 3/30/2014 22:06 PM

Hey, I say take all the credit you want for your own stuff. You wanna feel bad for nagging too much or being negative or whatever go ahead. But don't let yourself take credit for his choices. Did you have an A? No. You didn't. Can you be a better version than the wife you once were? Sure you can. Were you justified in youe 'nagging, as you said? Maybe. I tend to agree with what Mousse242 said about the nagging though. At least regarding the examples you mentioned. Sounded more like frustration to not being listened to and not having your wishes respected to me where those examples are concerned. He's the one who went outside the marriage. He should have made different choices. You are where you are now. Get better at what you need to and don't take on stuff you're not responsible for!!!

peoplepleaser posted 3/31/2014 08:09 AM

Oh it's such a bad position to be in. I went through a similar panic and realization a couple times. It's hard to realize that you were not good to your spouse, that you did things or didn't do things that led them to feel unappreciated, not special or even hopeless. When I'm feeling insecure my default of to nag or criticize, too. And I look back and see how what I truly felt for WS pre-A was not adequately or fully expressed. It breaks my heart that she believed for any amount of time that I didn't love her or think the world of her.

Worse than that is the position we are put in to now demonstrate those things when they are least worthy because of how they responded to it. And for those of us who share this behavior, it's so easy for them to justify their behavior on us. It's so easy for us to understand to the point of justifying their behavior by our own actions. Many times my WS said she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't treated her like shit. Many times she equated my lack of trust in her ability to be faithful to her lack of trust in me to be kind. And I struggled with the comparison, both in terms of trust and in terms of adequate comparisons.

What I've come up with is that my poor behavior continued partly because she allowed it. My behavior occurred in the relationship with her having all the information she needed to make a decision about whether to stay, leave or risk confronting it. She chose none of these and opted to engage in deceitful behavior that kept me from information I needed to make the same decisions. At several points she could have come to me and let me know that my behavior was taking her out of the relationship, but she didn't.

In the end, she owns the responsibility for making an A a viable option in our relationship. No matter how it happened or what came before, there was something broken in her that made her capable of this. Her capacity for it had nothing to do with anything I did. She came to me and our relationship broken in that way, whether she realized it or not. We cannot live in a relationship with the idea that if we aren't "good" to our spouses then they will deceive us and hurt us in the worst possible way. Early on after DDay 1 I remember her saying that it won't happen again because we would be good to each other. What a horrible way to rugsweep. She was basically telling me that my behavior would determine her ability to be faithful. She also told me at one point that she regretted what she did, and it made it more difficult to be vulnerable and totally honest about what she did because it gave me an excuse to treat her as bad or worse. In the end, my behavior became amplified in her perceptions to justify her default behavior to feel good about herself. I wasn't as selfish and mean as she portrayed or convinced me I was. She owns her responsibility for her contributions to our relationship problems pre-A. Though I accept responsibility for my poor behavior, it didn't exist in a vacuum.

So we are now tasked with being kind and compassionate while reeling from their indiscretions. We must focus on both fixing the relationship and healing from what was done to us. It's maddening and so very difficult.

Yes, I think that some of what was posted in the Radical Acceptance thread might help you. In addition, there are so many more things to explore. Relationship issues are the result of two people and how they interact. Infidelity is the independent decision of one person.

Nagging and criticizing is a symptom, not a cause. What was going on in the relationship that led to your reactions pre-A?

How has WS helped you heal from the A? Does he still blame your behavior rather than his own brokenness? What exploration has he done and shared with you to this end?

I feel most comfortable when my WS shows compassion for my pain. I'm better able to validate her without linking my behavior to her horribly destructive decision to stray. What has happened can't be undone, but it can be a map for what needs to happen now for both of you to heal together. I'm guessing that if you love each other and either one of you is struggling with moving forward, then you have overlooked a need that needs fulfilled to move forward. What is it you need from him? From you?

I'm so sorry you are here. It's a crappy place to be. I hope you find what you need.

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