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New information learned. Major set back!

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PRNDL posted 3/30/2014 09:51 AM

Well, as you guys may remember, my wife of 7 years, together 14 years, we have an 11 year old son, had a 1.5 year long A with a guy. The were very close.

She treated me so absolutely horribly during the A. D-day 1 was a year into the A and it continued in my face for 6 more months.

I was shattered. I needed counseling and meds to get through it. Being that she woulnt stop, I moved out and filed for D.

I have been doing well. Slowly recovering. I initiated the 180D and NC.

I recently learned she was back with the OM. Ghis was hard on me.

Yesterday my STBXW called crying to "get one last thing off of her chest". She confessed to having a one night stant about one year ago with a total stranger. This while she was having her long term A. The ONS was with a guy 25 years older than her! WTF? This hit me like a ton of bricks! I feel like i went back to D-Day #1. Panic, anxiety, and so on.

What do I do? How should I process this?
Why am I taking it this way when im in the process of D and moved out.

I still hurt so bad. D-Day was a year ago. How long should I be recovering for?

suckstobeme posted 3/30/2014 10:17 AM

I'm so sorry.

You just started to process the wallop of the long term A and having to file for divorce and then she decided to hit you again. What a selfish, horrible thing - you are divorcing and practicing NC. There was no reason for her to disclose her ONS except to hurt you. It's normal to take it hard. You haven't fully detached yet.

I can say though that, while it's extremely painful, it should also help to show you just how broken she really is. There is a void there that no man is going to be able to fill. Not you, not OM, not a total stranger. No one. She is just going to search and search and search. Unfortunately, she's gonna keep trying to find self worth and validation from another person until she figures out that it can only come from within. That is, if she ever does. She's got serious problems and one day you will see that she is toxic and would have given you the pain of many more As had you stayed. You don't need that abuse in your life.

Don't try to rush recovery. There is a reason that they say the average time is 2 to 5 years. I'm about 3 years in and I still have a bad day sometimes.

FaithFool posted 3/30/2014 11:08 AM

I'd be tempted to share that tidbit of info with her current squeeze. But I'm evil that way.


Kajem posted 3/30/2014 11:15 AM

I was divorced from my XH almost 5 years when women he used to work with came up to me and told me they "had an inappropriate relationship with him". I was devastated all over again. I was transported back in time to first finding out. It sucked!

The good news was it took a few days to come to grips with it. The head knew it, but the heart takes time to catch up.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

norabird posted 3/30/2014 11:49 AM

Suckstobeme is right--she is being malicious. As she feels you pulling away she is desperate to get a reaction from you and to know that she can still control your attention. It is beyond cruel. Take some small comfort in knowing that when the D is final and you are further down the road, her toxicity won't be part of your life anymore. It is normal to be reeling again with the new knowledge, but you will recover from this too. Keep focusing on you and time will help with the rest.

shiloe posted 3/30/2014 11:54 AM

What a piece of work!

Why would she do that, what did she wish to accomplish?

What did you say to her when she revealed this?

You need to go NC with her.

PRNDL posted 3/30/2014 17:32 PM

Like a moron, I wanted more info. Who, what, where, and when. She confessed to having this ONS with this guy and another Girl friend of hers. A damn threesome. I know, it sounds like BS.

Her girl friend had been seeing this man and he asked her to bring a friend. Her friend asked if she was interested and she said yes.

How disgusting!!! Im shattered!! Why?

This woman was my buddy. My best friend for 13 years. We have a son. I was her first. she destroyed all of our innocence. Why do such a nasty thing?

She said she was in a dark place and regrets it.

She cheated on me and on her OM.

SpecialK posted 3/30/2014 19:36 PM

Wow, what a piece of work she is. Bet she makes her Momma proud! not..... I hate people who wait until you are gone or out of the situation and then feel the need to vomit all the dirt they know. Why? You are ending your marriage, therefore the only reason(s) she had for doing this is either to have total honesty (really to clear HER conscious) or to take one final jab at you. Either way, you are so much better off leaving her at the trash dump where she belongs. You'll find someone with integrity, she'll always be the loser.

Pass posted 3/30/2014 20:50 PM

She confessed to having this ONS with this guy and another Girl friend of hers. A damn threesome. I know, it sounds like BS.

On DDay, I discovered my wife about to enact this exact situation the next day. And it fucking hurt. She was willing to fuck up our marriage for the sake of a cheap thrill.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know that it hurts like hell.

Here are two possible reasons for her telling you this now:

1. She wanted to relieve her guilt by confessing.

2. She wanted to hurt you more.

It doesn't matter which reason it was. She had her central motivation, and didn't give a rat's ass what effect it had on you. She is showing you loud and proud what kind of person she is.

You've started recovering once, and you'll get there again - but it'll hurt.

cantgetup posted 3/30/2014 21:52 PM

I'm sorry. It's terrible. But in a strange sort of way did it give you any relief? Bear with me a minute...the fact that she cheated on the other man, with another man AND another woman gives you perspective many of us don't get. Many of us think and doubt what we lacked that caused a W to stray. Even though we all know it's not us, it's them, sometimes the heart doesn't listen to the head. In your situation you sort of have evidence--something concrete--to point to it just not being you. I understand that doesn't necessarily turn off the love you had for her, but try this on for size.

nekorb posted 3/30/2014 22:31 PM

I'm sorry. She is just being nasty.

Daddo posted 3/30/2014 23:12 PM

You definitely should tell the OM.

She fell into a dark place - and she' still there.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will get better - I promise. Just one day at a time, you will get through this. Just focus on being the best parent you can be, survive and you will heal.

PRNDL posted 3/31/2014 21:41 PM

I spoke to the OM. Now that they are together and its all out in the open, I wanted to lay sone ground rules in reference to my son. He said they were taking things slow snd would not introduce our son and his son into this situation for another year.

I told him about my STBXW's sick ONS orgy. And he said he knew. She confessed this to him a year ago. About a week after she did it.

The OM is an idiot for keeping her. After how much she cheated on me and that ONS.

I told him I was leaving her for being a horrible person, and he is taking what I threw away. He agreed and said that was what he wanted.

You know, between the people I deal with in my career, and what my wife and the OP did to me, i believe people have all went insane and this world is going to hell fast.

Where have things like manors, morals, ethics, and empathy, gone?

shygirl07 posted 4/5/2014 21:23 PM

After my ex and I broke up after 7 years (him leaving me for his ex ) I found out he had cheated on me . . but I had my suspicions had happened years ago in vegas and I knew in my heart but he lied and lied and lied to me... so hearing what I thought yearrrrs back wasn't true, was really true, stung really bad...

but you will move past it. You seem like an amazing person and im sorry but she is a little jezebel floozy lol just trying to make you smile but in all honesty she deserves to be schemed and deceived as she has done.Sounds like she has her own demons. . feel better, give it some time after you process youll move past .... remember you matter most

bigskyblues posted 4/6/2014 00:14 AM

PRNDL, wayward's are simply broken inside and a normal decent person just simply can not understand them (which in a way is a good healthy thing). I finally realized there was nothing I could do to help her and that she was the only one that could help herself, and she chose not to. After D-day#2 I realized I had to let her go. I knew I needed to stay strong for our children, and for my own well being. I also realized she was at the point in her life where she had chosen her own path (albeit a false one) to happiness that no longer included me.

Stay strong brother!


stronger08 posted 4/6/2014 02:17 AM

How nice of her to unburden herself and dump the load right on you. In time this is going to look like one big episode of Jerry Springer. But at least your no longer going to be the star of this shitty drama. NC bro, kids and finances period. Sit back and watch the implosion of her slutty life. Fuck that bitch !!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by stronger08 at 2:19 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

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