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Still struggling with his impatience

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swank posted 3/30/2014 10:34 AM

It's been 6 months since D day. Tons of talking, tons of therapy, some improvements, for sure.

But he still gets impatient with me. I think he feels like I should be more over it than I am because to him it's been forever. To me it's all still a raw wound. I'm working hard, and as I said, there is improvement, but I still have bad days. And if he reacts with impatience or anger, it just makes things worse.

I don't think he's still lying. I think he's just selfish and impatient and doesn't really understand what it feels like to be this hurt. I want to find some way to convey this to him. Probably best to talk about with our therapist, but we won't see her for a while - we're going on vacation.

I will say that he is very remorseful. Takes full responsibility for his actions. No blaming me at all. Just this tendency to be impatient or angry when I bring up what we call Subject A.

Any suggestions?

CATransplant posted 3/30/2014 11:18 AM


I understand what you are feeling and to you I sent (()) hugs.

I can only give you my observations and interactions with my own journey. My FWH is the most impatient man I have ever met when it comes to his A and my progress. I as you, have been working hard and the bad days are still exhausting and debilitating.

The issue for him was that every time I break down, he internalizes it as another failure on his part. My H has been looking at it like he feels so bad for the pain he has caused that he does not know what to do. The impatience and anger he feels is directed at himself, but because I am the one there, get the blast.

I can't tell you the number of times I have been hit with my H's emotions. He knows what is in his mind and is not very good about expressing it. Or should I say wasn't, until I had withdrew to the point of walking out of our relationship.

I think that was the point he needed to open himself up and be vulnerable with me. What did he at that time have to loose?

The arguments were severe and painfully raw for both of us. I would express my feelings with so much anger that he had no option but to listen. I was one who never spoke for myself. I was done! I was tired of saying the same thing only to hear "I understand". "I love you and I am sorry I hurt you." He did not have a clue to the depth of pain he had unleaded. But with my unexpected response to his remarks. He saw for the very first time that I was at my limit. I was for the very first time putting my needs before anything. It as thought I hit him with a 2X4. The look on his face was so shocked I will never forget it. He has truly started to look at his actions and why he made the choices he did. It shocked and hurt him deeply. Until this point he had settled on his reasons as why the A took place. He now understands that those reasons were so far from why, that he now understands that he has much more work to do.

I hope that the two of you can come to the calm in the storm and learn to listen with each others ears and perspective.

swank posted 3/30/2014 11:30 AM

Thank you. It's good to know you got through this. I don't feel like I can threaten to leave 48 hours before we leave on vacation! But when we get back this is going to be issue 1 with our therapist, and between us as well. I know that my therapist says a lot that guilt and anger are closely related - that would make sense with what you said about your husband's emotions as well.

Audrina posted 3/30/2014 11:54 AM

He is expecting you to be over this 6 months after DDAy?
It took me at least 3 yrs...
He was also impatient with me saying I should be over it by now.
I think that part of this had to do with his fear that I would NEVER get over this. That I would always looking over my shoulder combined with his guilt.

I made it clear that if he was not up for helping me heal then I was not interested in reconciling and that changed his outlook a little bit. He started to make more effort.
I do think the MC would help give him some tools for him to use when u trigger etc

[This message edited by Audrina at 11:56 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]

swank posted 3/30/2014 13:38 PM

We did discuss this a little with the MC and she said there's no time table for how long it takes but it would go faster if he were open and accepting and not angry and defensive. I think he needs to be reminded of that!

It's one of those weird relativity things - to him it seems like forever. I guess I can sort of understand that. He's the guilty one, he's the shamed one, he's the one who has to live with knowing he hurt the person he loves the most in the worst possible way. I'm sure that makes the hours and days seem long. But if he can't let go of that way of looking at it, I won't be able to get better.

I'm really hoping that on this trip we can relax, maybe not dwell on this stuff quite as much, and come back ready to tackle it again with a refreshed attitude. Of course I'm also afraid we'll spend the whole time fighting.

Wish me luck!

Morhurt posted 3/30/2014 14:03 PM

We struggle(d) with similar issues and one thing that seemed to help my H was when he could remember that my "bad days" were an expression of my hurt, not that he was failing. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it made sense to him!

EaglesWings posted 3/30/2014 14:19 PM

Totally leave the A at home. Both of you need the break, just have fun together. I KNOW how hard that can be.

We were 7 months out from Dday, about to spend a week visiting DD in Italy when I was hit with DDay regarding attempted ONS that had happened 24 years prior. Both fWH and I decided to drop it while on the trip. I can honestly say that once we left home I had not one A related thought, but the first morning back home they came back. However that week of rest and just FUN rejuvenated our R.

Take the vacation, deal with the crap when you get home.

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