I understand what you are feeling and to you I sent (()) hugs.
I can only give you my observations and interactions with my own journey. My FWH is the most impatient man I have ever met when it comes to his A and my progress. I as you, have been working hard and the bad days are still exhausting and debilitating.
The issue for him was that every time I break down, he internalizes it as another failure on his part. My H has been looking at it like he feels so bad for the pain he has caused that he does not know what to do. The impatience and anger he feels is directed at himself, but because I am the one there, get the blast.
I can't tell you the number of times I have been hit with my H's emotions. He knows what is in his mind and is not very good about expressing it. Or should I say wasn't, until I had withdrew to the point of walking out of our relationship.
I think that was the point he needed to open himself up and be vulnerable with me. What did he at that time have to loose?
The arguments were severe and painfully raw for both of us. I would express my feelings with so much anger that he had no option but to listen. I was one who never spoke for myself. I was done! I was tired of saying the same thing only to hear "I understand". "I love you and I am sorry I hurt you." He did not have a clue to the depth of pain he had unleaded. But with my unexpected response to his remarks. He saw for the very first time that I was at my limit. I was for the very first time putting my needs before anything. It as thought I hit him with a 2X4. The look on his face was so shocked I will never forget it. He has truly started to look at his actions and why he made the choices he did. It shocked and hurt him deeply. Until this point he had settled on his reasons as why the A took place. He now understands that those reasons were so far from why, that he now understands that he has much more work to do.
I hope that the two of you can come to the calm in the storm and learn to listen with each others ears and perspective.