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Did I catch him in the act?

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EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 11:21 AM

Okay so last night he had to me he was planning on going to a friends house(a coworker) to play pool and drink. I simply asked, "who is going to be there?" He instantly got irritated and annoyed. He said, "idk who will be there.. it's hard to tell." I could tell he was upset. It was 9pm by this time. I asked if could go get some food for me really fast before he left and said "sure..."

So then he comes back with the food, sit on the couch, throws his shoes and hat off and said I'm not going anywhere. He said he doesn't want to feel like he's being accused of something. And pretty much gave me the silent treatment after words. It's now almost 10am and still haven't talked(he is still sleeping)

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food. And that's the the real reason he stayed home? Idk. Any opinions? Or am I just nuts?

Flatlined123 posted 3/30/2014 11:26 AM

Sounds to me like he's definitely pissy over something.

deena04 posted 3/30/2014 11:39 AM

Go with your gut here. Something is off or he would not have reacted this way.

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 11:41 AM

Thanks. He was definitely acting weird... it just makes me upset we are supposed to be in R. I wish I could know the truth...

brokensmile322 posted 3/30/2014 11:50 AM

If your dday was Jan of this year, I would not want him hanging out with coworkers by himself or anyone else for that matter until we were strongly in R.

Is this person a friend of the M? Why weren't you invited? The cranky attitude is not conducive to R, IMHO.

Are you guys in IC and/or MC?

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 12:01 PM

Brokensmile. I tell him im not comfortable with him going out alone but he still goes. He never invites me to these types of things. His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

I am in IC. He is not.

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Morhurt posted 3/30/2014 14:07 PM

I'm so sorry. :(
Honestly and gently, him going out to drink and play pool this soon after DDay is not a good sign. You want to R but I think he wants to rug sweep and cake eat. A remorseful WS is unlikely to think going out and drinking is acceptable never mind being pissy because you asked who would be there.
I would suggest reading up on the 180.
((hugs))

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 14:13 PM

Thank you! I will definitely have to read up one the 180. I tried before and it wasn't working so I quit.

justme1264 posted 3/30/2014 14:16 PM

I say figure out the best way to talk to him. I think us BSs really becoming experts at understanding our WS is vital to R (be it complete R or D) the more I see and hear about people's experiences. It has to go waaaaaay beyond trying to make "sense" of things. we have to understand. And to me, it literally means being able to see all reality. Only then can we make informed conclusions. Your gut is telling you something and you should really pay attention to it.

Thing is, we have to be so intune with our own self before we can hope to understand their reality. It is tough. I feel for you. But only you know your marriage and your spouse.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:18 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

dancinginthedark posted 3/30/2014 14:24 PM

The angry response seems to indicate guilt. So sorry. Can you find out if there actually was a gathering?

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 14:25 PM

I just read up on the 180 again. I am doing the total opposite. I am going to try very hard to implement the 180 with everything I have.

I care too much and ask too much. I think the 180 will definitely help me move on and make myself happier. And if it checks him back into reality that's great. And if not, then it's not worth it to stay with him if he doesn't care..

Alexisk17 posted 3/30/2014 14:43 PM

Just remember that 180 is for you and your son, not for him. It's not easy but I found it a much more peaceful place to be xoxo

Random thoughts posted 3/30/2014 15:00 PM

Sorry EB1541,

But you can't be in a R, if your spouse is acting like he's single. He should be working on your relationship and not going over to his friend's house to hang out.

He doesn't get to go out and leave you and the baby at home with the excuse of who's gonna watch him..

He doesn't get it yet as to what he has done to your relationship, the lost of trust is not gained with an I'm sorry but with actions and from what you posted his actions with the childish silent treatment says he hasn't learn anything but to play the victim to your unforgiving heart.

Watch and listen to his words and action.

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 21:51 PM

Does the 180 make it easier for him to get away with things? Since I won't be texting him,,questioning him or asking for reassurance from him?

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 21:53 PM

Like right now he said he is playing basketball with his coworkers. Should I not text him at all? And ask no questions?

brokensmile322 posted 3/30/2014 22:03 PM

If you are going to do the 180, no, you would not contact him at all. And yes, he could be doing anything and getting away with things as you put it.

But the 180 is not to try to evoke a reaction from him. It is for you, to get strong.

If you are going to do the 180, you have to be willing to lose your M. You have to let go of the outcome.

Jrazz posted 3/30/2014 22:06 PM

I would at least be working on the 180 in this case... he's acting like a petulant teenager.

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food.

That's exactly what this was. If he were doing something honorable, he would be relieved to tell you about his plans. I don't know what he was planning, but it certainly wasn't kosher.

(((EB1541)))

EB1541 posted 3/30/2014 22:41 PM

Thanks for that advice and explanation of the 180. That will really help me. I think that I actually understand the 180 now:) thanks for all the support guys.

The line that hit the most is that, "you must be willing to lose your marriage. "

IWantDoOver posted 3/31/2014 08:02 AM

The 180 allows you to take a step back, detach, and look at your M overall.

His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

Contact your neighbors, church, community resource center, YMCA, etc. and start to generate a list of babysitters.

Your babysitter list will become invaluable if/when the two of begin R. You need to have resources at your fingertips so "lack of babysitting" can never again used as an excuse to bail on Quality Time as a couple.

Also invaluable in case of emergency. Interview sitters now, so you've goth them when you need them!

Also strengthen your Mommy friendships. Do you have local friends and families who can trade off babysitting services. If you build a strong group of "Friends of the Marriage" (i.e. married couples with strong boundaries and values) then you'll have shared FoM, and he'll be less likely to go hang out with single co-workers.

Sadwife222 posted 3/31/2014 08:12 AM

If I were you, I'd 180 him, too. But I would also put a voice activated recorder hidden in his car and put tracking on his phone.
Even my gut is telling me he's up to something.

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