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Newest Member: kenja (46021)

User Topic: marriage counseling... had first appointment
Smithereens
♀ 42800
Member # 42800
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It didn't go well. He barely spoke except to answer a direct question from the therapist. She said it sounded like he and I have never had a committed relationship and that WE don't know how to because both our fathers cheated on our mothers (excuse me, *I* am not the one who cheated and I've always been committed to this). HE had confirmed contact Thursday morning with his whore AP. A five minute phone call because she "needed someone to talk to." yeah, right. He was LIVID with me for checking his phone. I find it interesting that his phone was off for several days and it's on less than 1/2 an hour and she is calling him. And her needing "someone to talk to" is how the whole affair started in the first place!!

We are supposed to buy the book "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and take turns reading a chapter and marking it up (highlight things). We are supposed to create a "resentment list" about each other, and take it to the next appointment which is in 2 weeks.

He hasn't said he loves me since the appointment. Not once. Not even when I left the house this morning to go do laundry. He ALWAYS would say he loves me when I'd leave the house. This is .. scary.

He's not saying he loves me. But he's making plans, about things to do in the future. Things like when the weather breaks in about a month or so, we'll be able to get the gutters cleaned out and the shed stabilized. We can work on refinishing the deck. That sort of stuff. It's weird.

I honestly don't know what to think or feel. He just doesn't seem to understand the whole BOUNDARIES thing. I TOLD him that him having contact of ANY kind with her is essentially him saying that talking to her is more important to him than saving our relationship. He doesn't SEE that. I'm so hurt and so scared, and he doesn't seem to care about anything.


Me - 45
Him (WS) - 45
Married 11/17/2007
I found out on 2/14/14. Happy Valentine's Day to me, right?
Reconciliation? Honestly don't know if trust will EVER be possible again

Posts: 19 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Midwestern USA
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Others with more experience might say something differently, but I don't think I'd spend time in MC with someone who wouldn't go NC with the AP. I don't think you can save a relationship with three people.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 576 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
emotionalgirl
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shithereens......I am sorry you are here with us. Trust me you are NOT in R. Very gently, You can not R with a WH who is still in contact with OW. The reason he is still talking about the future is because he needs to keep you hanging on, just in case his A doesn't work out. What he is doing now is cake eating. Quit spending money on MC for now and spend it on a good IC for yourself. Go 180 and spend time loving yourself and doing things for you.

I know you want to believe, trust me I KNOW. I have only recently found out the difference that true R is. I ended up with an in house separation and seeing a lawyer, then a false R before he finally got the picture regarding just how much the OW from the EA was an issue for me. It is true what the SI veterans say...sometimes you have to be willing to loose it all to gain it all.
((((((Hugs)))))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
MomtoRoses
♀ 42271
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree w/ other posters. There can't be r when the ow is still there. I had a friend w/ who went to mc and the mc asked the wh if he would break it off w/ ow and he said no, so the mc told him to get up and leave and come back when he wanted to work on the marriage.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2014
Smithereens
♀ 42800
Member # 42800
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't seem to understand that this is not something I'm going to budge on.

We go back to the counselor on 4/12. With the resentment list (GUESS what will be on mine!), and the book that we've highlighted.

I'm going to give this a chance, and see what happens between now and then. HIS attitude and actions will tell me a lot.


Me - 45
Him (WS) - 45
Married 11/17/2007
I found out on 2/14/14. Happy Valentine's Day to me, right?
Reconciliation? Honestly don't know if trust will EVER be possible again

Posts: 19 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Midwestern USA
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HE had confirmed contact Thursday morning with his whore AP. A five minute phone call because she "needed someone to talk to." yeah, right. He was LIVID with me for checking his phone.

I agree with others here, absolutely NO CONTACT with AP is allowed if he's interested in attempting to save the marriage. No "needing a friend" calls, no goodbye screws, no emergency car repairs or plumbing leaks. NONE. ZERO.
Draw this line today! If he can't see it, or if he fails that simple test, I suggest you throw his stuff in front yard and call a lawyer.
That is the minimum starting position.

BTW, Shirley Glass's book is excellent!

[This message edited by twisted at 9:11 AM, March 31st (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
pearlharbr
♀ 38072
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't seem to understand that this is not something I'm going to budge on.

Gently, you are budging on it because he just talked to her and there were no consequences. Remember that believing someone's actions over their words holds true. He believes your (lack of) action over your words.

Did you spell out your list of requirements and the consequences of them not being met? If so, this is the time for enforcement. If not, why not?

I agree with the others, you are not in R and will be wasting time, energy, and money by continuing MC. Invest in yourself first.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 40
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He understands.

He is showing you he doesn't care.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8077 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 8

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