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marriage counseling... had first appointment

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Smithereens posted 3/30/2014 17:15 PM

It didn't go well. He barely spoke except to answer a direct question from the therapist. She said it sounded like he and I have never had a committed relationship and that WE don't know how to because both our fathers cheated on our mothers (excuse me, *I* am not the one who cheated and I've always been committed to this). HE had confirmed contact Thursday morning with his whore AP. A five minute phone call because she "needed someone to talk to." yeah, right. He was LIVID with me for checking his phone. I find it interesting that his phone was off for several days and it's on less than 1/2 an hour and she is calling him. And her needing "someone to talk to" is how the whole affair started in the first place!!

We are supposed to buy the book "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and take turns reading a chapter and marking it up (highlight things). We are supposed to create a "resentment list" about each other, and take it to the next appointment which is in 2 weeks.

He hasn't said he loves me since the appointment. Not once. Not even when I left the house this morning to go do laundry. He ALWAYS would say he loves me when I'd leave the house. This is .. scary.

He's not saying he loves me. But he's making plans, about things to do in the future. Things like when the weather breaks in about a month or so, we'll be able to get the gutters cleaned out and the shed stabilized. We can work on refinishing the deck. That sort of stuff. It's weird.

I honestly don't know what to think or feel. He just doesn't seem to understand the whole BOUNDARIES thing. I TOLD him that him having contact of ANY kind with her is essentially him saying that talking to her is more important to him than saving our relationship. He doesn't SEE that. I'm so hurt and so scared, and he doesn't seem to care about anything.

Wodnships posted 3/30/2014 17:24 PM

Others with more experience might say something differently, but I don't think I'd spend time in MC with someone who wouldn't go NC with the AP. I don't think you can save a relationship with three people.

emotionalgirl posted 3/30/2014 18:47 PM

Shithereens......I am sorry you are here with us. Trust me you are NOT in R. Very gently, You can not R with a WH who is still in contact with OW. The reason he is still talking about the future is because he needs to keep you hanging on, just in case his A doesn't work out. What he is doing now is cake eating. Quit spending money on MC for now and spend it on a good IC for yourself. Go 180 and spend time loving yourself and doing things for you.

I know you want to believe, trust me I KNOW. I have only recently found out the difference that true R is. I ended up with an in house separation and seeing a lawyer, then a false R before he finally got the picture regarding just how much the OW from the EA was an issue for me. It is true what the SI veterans say...sometimes you have to be willing to loose it all to gain it all.
((((((Hugs)))))

MomtoRoses posted 3/30/2014 18:57 PM

I agree w/ other posters. There can't be r when the ow is still there. I had a friend w/ who went to mc and the mc asked the wh if he would break it off w/ ow and he said no, so the mc told him to get up and leave and come back when he wanted to work on the marriage.

Smithereens posted 3/30/2014 19:44 PM

He doesn't seem to understand that this is not something I'm going to budge on.

We go back to the counselor on 4/12. With the resentment list (GUESS what will be on mine!), and the book that we've highlighted.

I'm going to give this a chance, and see what happens between now and then. HIS attitude and actions will tell me a lot.

twisted posted 3/31/2014 09:11 AM

HE had confirmed contact Thursday morning with his whore AP. A five minute phone call because she "needed someone to talk to." yeah, right. He was LIVID with me for checking his phone.

I agree with others here, absolutely NO CONTACT with AP is allowed if he's interested in attempting to save the marriage. No "needing a friend" calls, no goodbye screws, no emergency car repairs or plumbing leaks. NONE. ZERO.
Draw this line today! If he can't see it, or if he fails that simple test, I suggest you throw his stuff in front yard and call a lawyer.
That is the minimum starting position.

BTW, Shirley Glass's book is excellent!

[This message edited by twisted at 9:11 AM, March 31st (Monday)]

pearlharbr posted 3/31/2014 09:49 AM

He doesn't seem to understand that this is not something I'm going to budge on.

Gently, you are budging on it because he just talked to her and there were no consequences. Remember that believing someone's actions over their words holds true. He believes your (lack of) action over your words.

Did you spell out your list of requirements and the consequences of them not being met? If so, this is the time for enforcement. If not, why not?

I agree with the others, you are not in R and will be wasting time, energy, and money by continuing MC. Invest in yourself first.

confused615 posted 3/31/2014 10:43 AM

He understands.

He is showing you he doesn't care.

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