I know for my wh, he does not know full dates. He was in affair fog. His brain cannot remember everything, and it goes back 10 years, so that's why too. He vaguely remembers years. But I was more interested in how many he slept with. I will never know how many he chatted w/ online. I couldn't really ask that on the poly. I will never know a timeline or how many times he slept w/ xyz. He thinks it started in 2005 or 2006. Nice, huh? You are not alone.
I wasted a lot of time on the phone bill. I don't think it helped me that much, bc again he was just chatting. I could only find out who he was physical with. Good luck.
[This message edited by momentintime at 6:11 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was listening to a MC 10 years ago tell my now STBXWH that he "handles things well." This one statement has given STBXWH a pass on everything since then. I should have gotten up, walked out, and demanded better for me, and in turn, him. If you want it all out in the open to deal with it, then you should have that. Just my opinion. Hugs, and hope you get want you want and need.
And how in the hell is HE supposed to be benefiting by being allowed to not tell you anything? Does this therapist think he's some kind of hothouse flower who'll wilt and die if - God forbid - he actually be HONEST for once?
What a crock of bullshit.
Time for a new therapist. Seriously.
I cannot imagine a MC that would allow the WS to keep disclosure from the BS. Now, his IC may be telling him to drag on, but the MC should be treating both of you and deserve immediate "what's". The "why's" can come after his own therapy and the "why's" should not hold up disclosure.
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Now his "one night stand's" twins might be his and her twelve year old. He has some staying power doesn't he.
I'm old and my tolerance level is crap. This is how I see it- you tell me what happened, the truth and you do it now or get the hell out.
Life is too short to spend it in pure agony.
YOU don't. YOU get to call all the shots in R, and if he isn't willing to back handsprings while singing songs of his undying love for you then he doesn't get it, and doesn't deserve you. SA or not, he can't possibly be healing himself if he is still playing hide the truth.
You need to stand up and make a demand for the full truth, that you don't expect exact dates, but a general idea, and that you need it by the end of the week. If he fails to do so, then he doesn 't deserve you. YOU deserve much more than the song and dance, con-man bullshit you are getting now. You are almost 6 months out from Dday, and you still are stuck at Dday because you have not rec'd the full truth.
Demand the respect and love you deserve.
I am wondering, were there any questions you asked in disclosure that you wished you had not?
I'm being very general and very specific with my questions because I feel like he will pull a 'Hey! You didn't ask -that-!' Move.
I'm showing the list to my therapist on Wednesday and reviewing with her.
I've also been reading 'Surviving Disclosure' and it's helpful.
I don't understand why you have to get your therapist's approval. Take a stand and stick with it.
He is a playing mind games with you, and you are allowing him to continue. It stops when you say it does, and if he isn't willing to be forthcoming with the truth, you are not in R. You cannot move forward without the facts.
Put on your big girl panties and demand answers. You are not dealing with a child who stole cookies out of the cookie jar, you are dealing with an adult cheater and a liar.
Personally, I'm standing firm on the questions I'm asking because I want to know the answers reguarsless of what or how they think the questions will affect me.
I've been trying to follow their directives on this because I genuinely want resolution. Either to move forward with this relationship or to move on.
Please understand, I completly and whole heartedly agree with every single response I've gotten that suggest I scream enough is enough.
So I am asking every question that I want answers to. I'm am wondering though if anyone has asked a question they regretting getting an answer to?
The therapist want to review the questions to make sure I'm not asking questions that will hinder my progress.
At the end of the day you get to choose what you need to know in order to move forward.
I would have a very difficult time accepting the MC making decisions on what information could hinder my healing.
Will the details change your view on the marriage and him as a person? You bet your ass they will. Will they open your eyes to the manipulation he was pulling on you while conducting the A? Yep it changes your view on entire episodes of your memories.
It sucks. But it is the truth and as 1/2 of the partnership you have every right to know with whom you are sharing your life. And IMO if he can't even acknowledge what he has done with you and the MC, in the safety of the office and the MC buffer(how much more could he be babied?)--- that would be a dealbreaker.
You have the right to know who you are married to and have the choice on how you will move forward.
It IS going to hurt and hinder the process. Any MC that is trying to skip that step IMO is part of the rug sweeping.
He can not change what he will not acknowledge. You have waited and now it is time to step to the plate and pull off the rest of the mask. If his is unwilling to do so and wants to enlist the MC in that, see it for what it is. Protecting his secrets over your marriage and healing.