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Swaying posted 3/30/2014 17:53 PM

I've made a post a while back and your responses were very helpful so I thought i would ask another question.
What I know about surviving this I've learned from you guys. I'm hoping to get full disclosure here soon. We been in therapy since the beginning of November and yet I still have not gone full disclosure. I do know about the one longtime girlfriend he had. Turns out she's having twins of course. As if this could really get any worse. We still don't know if they're his and in fact she's actually gotten married since her pregnancy. And I do know about the one night stand. I don't know if there any other women just like the fact that I've asked several times. I am an individual counseling he is an individual counseling and together we are in marriage counseling. He's also going to a sex anonymous group. So in total we are in therapy three times a week. I keep asking when I'm going to get full disclosure and I keep getting told that it's not time yet. I finally got fed up with the process. I realize that this is supposed to take time. However this is been going on since August of last year and still I don't have any answers. I've asked for full disclosure and the therapist have agreed that we can do for disclosure at the end of the month next month. I'm expecting a timeline. But my husband says he has no idea of dates or times and he thinks that's completely unreasonable I get the impression his therapist agrees. I do not believe that he is given up his Ways I do believe that he's still in contact with one or more people that he slept with during the duration of her marriage. I've requested copies of the phone bill. I refuse to look at his text messages because those can be reached. So my question to you is is it unreasonable to expect an actual timeline like a calendar? Is it unreasonable to request copies of the phone bill? Are either of these things really going to help? If I were to get a timeline what information would be reasonable to ask for locations times people? Does full disclosure usually take four months into therapy? Should I have to have waited this long?

MomtoRoses posted 3/30/2014 18:03 PM

I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I wanted full disclosure and I wanted it as soon as I found out. But I didn't get it. My wh wasn't willing to tell me everything. So I got trickle truth. Each disclosure felt like the wind was punched out of me. Just when I thoguht I had it all, thenext month, I'd get another disclosure. It sucked. I requested full disclosure and I looked at the phone bills. I also made wh take a poly. I felt like he left me w/ no choice. I know many therapists agree w/ full disclosure. It's good he is in sa. Do you go to sanon? I find it helpful.

I know for my wh, he does not know full dates. He was in affair fog. His brain cannot remember everything, and it goes back 10 years, so that's why too. He vaguely remembers years. But I was more interested in how many he slept with. I will never know how many he chatted w/ online. I couldn't really ask that on the poly. I will never know a timeline or how many times he slept w/ xyz. He thinks it started in 2005 or 2006. Nice, huh? You are not alone.

I wasted a lot of time on the phone bill. I don't think it helped me that much, bc again he was just chatting. I could only find out who he was physical with. Good luck.

momentintime posted 3/30/2014 18:10 PM

If you need answers demand them. You don't need a therapist permission or concurrence, or a right time determined by them. Get what you need to proceed with your life. No excuses from your wayward. He is stonewalling and protecting himself. Remember the less he shares the less he has to face what he did. Take care of you.

[This message edited by momentintime at 6:11 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Leia posted 3/30/2014 18:53 PM

^^^^This. This is your timeline. If your MC won't take care of you as well as him, then it is time to find a new MC.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was listening to a MC 10 years ago tell my now STBXWH that he "handles things well." This one statement has given STBXWH a pass on everything since then. I should have gotten up, walked out, and demanded better for me, and in turn, him. If you want it all out in the open to deal with it, then you should have that. Just my opinion. Hugs, and hope you get want you want and need.

norabird posted 3/30/2014 20:13 PM

It is not at all unreasonable to expect transparency of the phone records and indeed this should be a requirement. I think you have been waiting too long and seeing too little progress. Look into a polygraph if you think that would help give you info. Others here may know more about the usual SA timeline but I'm not seeing that your boundaries are being respected. Please do think about finding an MC who will have YOUR needs in mind as well. You should not take a backseat.

Swaying posted 3/30/2014 20:59 PM

Thank you very much for your replies. I'm just frustrated because it seems to be taking so long. When you guys to get disclosure if you did get disclosure did you find it helpful? I did you find it more painful? Also how did you know it was really done? Somebody said above that they found out one disclosure and then they found another disclosure-that really sounds painful and I guess that's really what I'm afraid of that I really really know the full truth is come out. My husband actually works in law enforcement ha ha isn't that great? I'm not even sure how to get poly graph or if that's even option but I guess I can just ask right?

Swaying posted 3/30/2014 21:03 PM

I should say that our marriage counselor is also his individual counselor. It worked out that way and I agreed to it because he finally found the counselor that he liked. We've actually been through I think six counselors thus far. Over the past four years. I was really excited when he found he actually liked so I agreed to go see his counselor as our marriage counselor. And I do like the guy. We did discuss getting our own separate marriage counselor and having his own separate individual counselor me having my little individual counselor but I agreed to see his counselor as Marriage counselor.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/31/2014 11:40 AM

It sounds as though your husband didn't like any of the prior counselors because they didn't let him skate and they didn't protect him, like this one is doing.

And how in the hell is HE supposed to be benefiting by being allowed to not tell you anything? Does this therapist think he's some kind of hothouse flower who'll wilt and die if - God forbid - he actually be HONEST for once?

What a crock of bullshit.

Time for a new therapist. Seriously.

Lovedyoumore posted 3/31/2014 12:26 PM

Disclosure is very painful, but not knowing is worse. The truth, the real, whole truth hurts for a while. TT and not knowing hurts for as long as you do not know, possibly forever. Is that what he really wants? A wife who never has the truth, who never trusts him again, and never gets over the hole in her gut so the relationship never becomes what it could be?

I cannot imagine a MC that would allow the WS to keep disclosure from the BS. Now, his IC may be telling him to drag on, but the MC should be treating both of you and deserve immediate "what's". The "why's" can come after his own therapy and the "why's" should not hold up disclosure.

k9lover1 posted 3/31/2014 12:27 PM

Isn't it amazing they always have a "one-night stand" or they only kissed. Right.

Now his "one night stand's" twins might be his and her twelve year old. He has some staying power doesn't he.

I'm old and my tolerance level is crap. This is how I see it- you tell me what happened, the truth and you do it now or get the hell out.

Life is too short to spend it in pure agony.

tushnurse posted 3/31/2014 12:27 PM

Swaying from a Veteran here, I must say that you seem to be waiting on the OK from everyone possibly ever involved in this whole mess to get what you need.

YOU don't. YOU get to call all the shots in R, and if he isn't willing to back handsprings while singing songs of his undying love for you then he doesn't get it, and doesn't deserve you. SA or not, he can't possibly be healing himself if he is still playing hide the truth.

You need to stand up and make a demand for the full truth, that you don't expect exact dates, but a general idea, and that you need it by the end of the week. If he fails to do so, then he doesn 't deserve you. YOU deserve much more than the song and dance, con-man bullshit you are getting now. You are almost 6 months out from Dday, and you still are stuck at Dday because you have not rec'd the full truth.

Demand the respect and love you deserve.

(((and strength))))

Swaying posted 4/6/2014 09:33 AM

Ok. I've made a list if questions I'd like answers to and non negotiable.
Feels pretty good.
Actually, it feels like microwaved crap but... You get the idea.

I am wondering, were there any questions you asked in disclosure that you wished you had not?

I'm being very general and very specific with my questions because I feel like he will pull a 'Hey! You didn't ask -that-!' Move.

I'm showing the list to my therapist on Wednesday and reviewing with her.

I've also been reading 'Surviving Disclosure' and it's helpful.

annb posted 4/6/2014 09:48 AM

Be specific. If you aren't, then you will get the beat-around-the bush responses.

I don't understand why you have to get your therapist's approval. Take a stand and stick with it.

He is a playing mind games with you, and you are allowing him to continue. It stops when you say it does, and if he isn't willing to be forthcoming with the truth, you are not in R. You cannot move forward without the facts.

Put on your big girl panties and demand answers. You are not dealing with a child who stole cookies out of the cookie jar, you are dealing with an adult cheater and a liar.

Swaying posted 4/6/2014 10:02 AM

The therapist want to review the questions to make sure I'm not asking questions that will hinder my progress.

Personally, I'm standing firm on the questions I'm asking because I want to know the answers reguarsless of what or how they think the questions will affect me.
I've been trying to follow their directives on this because I genuinely want resolution. Either to move forward with this relationship or to move on.

Please understand, I completly and whole heartedly agree with every single response I've gotten that suggest I scream enough is enough.

So I am asking every question that I want answers to. I'm am wondering though if anyone has asked a question they regretting getting an answer to?

redrock posted 4/6/2014 10:14 AM

The therapist want to review the questions to make sure I'm not asking questions that will hinder my progress.

At the end of the day you get to choose what you need to know in order to move forward.

I would have a very difficult time accepting the MC making decisions on what information could hinder my healing.

Will the details change your view on the marriage and him as a person? You bet your ass they will. Will they open your eyes to the manipulation he was pulling on you while conducting the A? Yep it changes your view on entire episodes of your memories.

It sucks. But it is the truth and as 1/2 of the partnership you have every right to know with whom you are sharing your life. And IMO if he can't even acknowledge what he has done with you and the MC, in the safety of the office and the MC buffer(how much more could he be babied?)--- that would be a dealbreaker.

You have the right to know who you are married to and have the choice on how you will move forward.
It IS going to hurt and hinder the process. Any MC that is trying to skip that step IMO is part of the rug sweeping.

He can not change what he will not acknowledge. You have waited and now it is time to step to the plate and pull off the rest of the mask. If his is unwilling to do so and wants to enlist the MC in that, see it for what it is. Protecting his secrets over your marriage and healing.

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