[This message edited by english1969 at 9:43 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
I don't have any advice for your situation, as mine is very different. I'm sure someone will be along with something more useful than my post. Hang in there and I'm sorry you're here.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
You should check up on her and make sure she is where she says she is.
Do not let her make excuses about having an affair. Many, many people start a new business and struggle for years, that is not an excuse to have an affair.
Her increased sexual interest in your during the affair is because her affair made her feel more sexual and better about herself.
Is this OM married?
Right now, your wife needs to understand what she did is completely wrong and there just are no excuses.
She is sorry the affair is over. Many times that means the excitement of the affair is over. Affairs are exciting and easy. The OM has it very easy, he doesnt have to put up with any of the married life so yes, your wife sees the best in everything in an affair.
An affair is NOT real life.
Make sure to also read the info in the healing library -
My STBXW did the same things as yours (new underwear, demand for privacy, "he's just a friend/business associate", etc., etc.) You'll be amazed how much of the wayward's behavior is so scripted and predictable. Just the finer details are different.
[This message edited by english1969 at 9:44 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
I would start to distance myself from your wife's financial state. Even establishing a no liability situation, so if you do divorce you won't be burdened with her debts.
Very often the WS will make a big show of giving the BS 'complete' access to phone and e-mail, tricking them into believing that reconciliation is truly under way. In reality the affair goes underground; so you must be vigilant. I wonder if your WW is really going to give up on this exciting romantic fantasy. Quite a contrast to her marriage with all the money problems. You need to be on the lookout for unexplained absences, burner phones and hidden e-mail accounts.
We are still not out of the mode of focusing on what I did to create this environment?
"We?"...Many WS's want to stay 'in that mode', because it shifts the blame to the BS.
You did nothing
to cause her to have an affair.
You have the choice - to walk straight out of that mode right now.
Any discussion @ "the state of our M" is usually a delaying tactic the WS wants to use.
Shut that down.
In truth, your M is dead. She killed it with her betrayal.
You can have a new M, if you offer the gift of R (Reconciliation), and she does the work.
are the 4 basic requirements for successful R.
Without those 4 basic things (& she has to do the work - you cannot do it for her... avoid getting roped in to that - not your job!) -
you'll be pissin up a rope with your time...
You did NOTHING to "force" her to have an affair. Nothing. You didn't hold a gun to her head, you didn't tie her up and toss her on the OM's bed, you didn't force or drive her to have an affair. She made the conscious choice to have one. She made countless decisions, time after time, to keep going towards becoming intimate emotionally and then physically with a man that she was not married to. This was no mistake, this was a conscious, deliberate series of choices, of decisions that SHE made.
You own nothing, not one damned thing, about her affair. That is ALL on her.
Yeah. We all have marriage problems. Some big, some small, some hideous. And we all have choices that we can make about those marriage problems. We can get counseling, personal or marriage, we can talk to each other, we can draw lines, we can decide to divorce. You were right in the middle of those problems with her and only one of you chose to commit infidelity. So yeah, at some point, IF the marriage survives, you will both need to look at your marriage problems. But not now. Right now your marriage is a mostly dead person hooked to life support. The priority right now is to make sure that mostly dead person gets out of the ICU, not to try to give that dying person a nose job. You stop the bleeding and save the life before you worry about things like a broken arm, broken fingers, cosmetic surgery, etc.
D-Day, June 10, 2012