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Newest Member: jon72 (46048)

User Topic: Need to let it out
english1969
♂ 42941
Member # 42941
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by english1969 at 9:43 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
Leia
♀ 42510
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you're here. One of the hardest things is to be married to your business partner. We had a business for several years, so I understand what you're saying.

I don't have any advice for your situation, as mine is very different. I'm sure someone will be along with something more useful than my post. Hang in there and I'm sorry you're here.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
MomtoRoses
♀ 42271
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ugh. I definitely think deleting emails and setting up new account is BAD news. I hope your counselor is up to date and realizes these are bad signs etc.
I never suspected so never checked anything w/ my wh. NEVER. 10 years of lying to me. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. Keep us posted.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I would have trouble believing this was only an EA and also that it is over--very possibly the A could be continuing. At the very least I'm not sure she understands the magnitude of the betrayal. I'm glad you're each in counseling; hopefully you can use your sessions to clarify for yourself what type of transparency, remorse and boundaries you are going to need to have in place in order to trust again. And if those requirements aren't met then there must be consequences to your WW; to that end it is probably a good idea to have some lawyer consultations. Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4236 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
english1969
♂ 42941
Member # 42941
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by english1969 at 9:43 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this time, you have to be vigilant that the affair does not continue or start up again. She might be transparent with the emails and phones you know about, but of course there could be other phones and email addresses.

You should check up on her and make sure she is where she says she is.

Do not let her make excuses about having an affair. Many, many people start a new business and struggle for years, that is not an excuse to have an affair.

Her increased sexual interest in your during the affair is because her affair made her feel more sexual and better about herself.

Is this OM married?

Right now, your wife needs to understand what she did is completely wrong and there just are no excuses.

She is sorry the affair is over. Many times that means the excitement of the affair is over. Affairs are exciting and easy. The OM has it very easy, he doesnt have to put up with any of the married life so yes, your wife sees the best in everything in an affair.

An affair is NOT real life.


Posts: 4447 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't go further into this without preparation and information.

Make sure to also read the info in the healing library -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

My STBXW did the same things as yours (new underwear, demand for privacy, "he's just a friend/business associate", etc., etc.) You'll be amazed how much of the wayward's behavior is so scripted and predictable. Just the finer details are different.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 657 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
english1969
♂ 42941
Member # 42941
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by english1969 at 9:43 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
english1969
♂ 42941
Member # 42941
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by english1969 at 9:44 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree your WW seems rather casual about all of this; she doesn't seem to understand that she could lose her marriage with one more foolish decision. You can bet the OM has been pressing for 'physical interaction' and I would surprised if there hasn't been some incidents of touching and kissing, or even a full PA.

I would start to distance myself from your wife's financial state. Even establishing a no liability situation, so if you do divorce you won't be burdened with her debts.

Very often the WS will make a big show of giving the BS 'complete' access to phone and e-mail, tricking them into believing that reconciliation is truly under way. In reality the affair goes underground; so you must be vigilant. I wonder if your WW is really going to give up on this exciting romantic fantasy. Quite a contrast to her marriage with all the money problems. You need to be on the lookout for unexplained absences, burner phones and hidden e-mail accounts.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
english1969
♂ 42941
Member # 42941
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by english1969 at 9:44 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still not out of the mode of focusing on what I did to create this environment?

"We?"...Many WS's want to stay 'in that mode', because it shifts the blame to the BS.
You did nothing
repeat
NOTHING
to cause her to have an affair.

You have the choice - to walk straight out of that mode right now.
Any discussion @ "the state of our M" is usually a delaying tactic the WS wants to use.
Shut that down.

In truth, your M is dead. She killed it with her betrayal.
You can have a new M, if you offer the gift of R (Reconciliation), and she does the work.
Remorse
Transparency
Honesty
No Contact
are the 4 basic requirements for successful R.

Without those 4 basic things (& she has to do the work - you cannot do it for her... avoid getting roped in to that - not your job!) -
you'll be pissin up a rope with your time...

english69)))


Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^read that again, and then another time.

You did NOTHING to "force" her to have an affair. Nothing. You didn't hold a gun to her head, you didn't tie her up and toss her on the OM's bed, you didn't force or drive her to have an affair. She made the conscious choice to have one. She made countless decisions, time after time, to keep going towards becoming intimate emotionally and then physically with a man that she was not married to. This was no mistake, this was a conscious, deliberate series of choices, of decisions that SHE made.

You own nothing, not one damned thing, about her affair. That is ALL on her.

Yeah. We all have marriage problems. Some big, some small, some hideous. And we all have choices that we can make about those marriage problems. We can get counseling, personal or marriage, we can talk to each other, we can draw lines, we can decide to divorce. You were right in the middle of those problems with her and only one of you chose to commit infidelity. So yeah, at some point, IF the marriage survives, you will both need to look at your marriage problems. But not now. Right now your marriage is a mostly dead person hooked to life support. The priority right now is to make sure that mostly dead person gets out of the ICU, not to try to give that dying person a nose job. You stop the bleeding and save the life before you worry about things like a broken arm, broken fingers, cosmetic surgery, etc.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 13

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