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appletoo posted 3/30/2014 19:44 PM

My story is one of several years of pain. It all started with me marrying the man of my dreams and finally being able to be called his wife. We both agreed before we got married that if either of us cheated we would leave. We were each otherís only one and never thought anything different would be possible.
Then I was raped. My life was thrown into shreds, I didnít acknowledge it but subconsciously I started to ruin my life and my marriage. The rape lasted a course of several months as somehow my rapist convinced me I deserved what happened and I was so ruined that I allowed it to continue. However, on my path of denial, I sought attention from another man who would also hurt me to prove to myself that I did in fact deserve what happened. I think this was also an attempt to end my marriage as I no longer felt I deserved to be with my husband. I slept with this other man two times. Each time I hated myself. My husband found out, and he learned of the rape as well.
I was able to see a counselor and learned that this was a reactive behavior that happens to a lot of rape victims. This made me feel a little bit better to know that I was normal. Unfortunately, it doesnít change the pain that I caused my husband.
This man is the most amazing person I have ever known and he has been here with me for the past two years while we both try to heal from this. But this week he told me he doesnít think he can do it anymore and I donít know what to do. For the last two years I have given him open access to everything, I have told him everything, but he says he will never trust me. He says he thinks there is more to it than what I have told him and that my story changed. The hard part is that I was also dealing with the trauma of the rape so things havenít been easy for me to sort out. I have never intentionally kept anything from him, but how can he believe me when I donít even remember everything.
He says what I have done is unforgiveable. I am struggling with knowing what I have done and that I can never erase it. I donít know what else to do and I am worried that I am going to lose the most important person in my life. He wonít go to counseling because he doesnít feel like it will help. He has never talked about any of this to anyone and keeping it all inside is obviously crushing him. I wish I could get him the help he needs because even if he chooses to leave me he still deserves the world and he will never get it if he lets this rot him. I try not to be selfish because I know this is my fault, I just wish he could understand that nothing would have ever happened if I wasnít raped (yes, I am aware that this is not an excuse for my behavior). I love him more than anything and I just want to take away all of his pain. I donít need sympathy, I just need someone who understands, how can I help him?
How do I separate the two issues for myself? They are so linked together in my mind I think that is making it more difficult for him too.

goodpanda posted 3/30/2014 20:31 PM

Who was this person who "raped" you? Why didn't you call the police?

CheshCat posted 3/30/2014 20:50 PM

Who was this person who "raped" you? Why didn't you call the police?

How 'bout lets NOT play "blame the victim", here, yah?

Stillstings posted 3/30/2014 20:55 PM

There is no victim blaming. This is a very confusing story and clarification is needed.

Darkness Falls posted 3/30/2014 20:57 PM

How 'bout lets NOT play "blame the victim", here, yah?

I fully agree with this.

Appletoo, welcome to SI. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. There are many here who are sensitive, thoughtful, and caring & who will give great advice and support.

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/30/2014 20:59 PM

Wow: "raped" in quotes? I thought SI was our one safe place to share how we are feeling! Such judgementÖ.
I am sorry, I know I am a betrayed and not supposed to post but I just felt the need to respond here. I am sorry appletoo that this is the reaction you got sharing your story. This is NOT typical. Please keep posting. You will get the support that you need and deserveÖI promise.

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 9:02 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

CheshCat posted 3/30/2014 21:00 PM

Putting rape in snark quotes that it didn't happen.

It doesn't matter who raped her. It has nothing to do with her situation.

Rape victims are under no legal obligation to report their rapes, in fact, most don't.

The implication that the rape is her fault for not reporting it is unacceptable.


Most waywards have to search really hard for what's "broken".
Rape survivors only have to search sometimes.
Because it's the rape itself that caused the broken.

appletoo posted 3/30/2014 21:21 PM

Dear "good" panda,

I am not here to be blamed. I have done enough of that myself. I did call the cops. And like most rape cases nothing happened to the guy because our society punishes victims and not the person who committed the crime. Do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and research rape before you call out a victim.

I want help for my husband. Not more persecution.

goodpanda posted 3/30/2014 21:23 PM

I never implied that it was her fault so don't go presuming to know more about my intentions here than you really do Chesh. It was an honest question. Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved anger issues

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/30/2014 21:28 PM

Of everything she painfully expresses in her post, you chose to address the rape by putting it in quotes which implies that you are questioning the legitimacy of labeling the action as a rape, and then make an assumption/judgement that she did not call the police. Please be more thoughtful when choosing to respond to a post of a person who is in tremendous pain.

goodpanda posted 3/30/2014 21:31 PM

Sorry appletoo. I never intended to blame you for anything. Perhaps the bluntness of my question came across the wrong way. Im new to the site here and not used to these types of forums

Klove posted 3/30/2014 21:33 PM

Rape in quotes?
Wow- I felt kicked in the guts just reading that- so it's not just Chesh who obviously has "anger issues"...
I must too.
Please be more careful...

appletoo posted 3/30/2014 21:37 PM

Thank you for the apology.

What can I do to help him?

Stillstings posted 3/30/2014 22:13 PM

Help him with what? Again your story is very minced up and confusing. Clarification would be nice, especially since serious accusations and dangerous behaviors are involved.

appletoo posted 3/30/2014 22:20 PM

I need to know if there is anything I can do to help my husband deal with the mess I have made.

I guess it makes sense to me, I have read it again, what can be clarified?

[This message edited by appletoo at 10:21 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

stupidgurl posted 3/30/2014 23:41 PM

First let me say I am so sorry you were raped, that is terrible. I have been in your shoes at the young age of 16. I know the pain and lifelong torment it causes.

Next, I have to say put yourself in your BH's shoes, you were raped, but did not tell him. He probably feels like if only he knew he could have help you to stop it after the first time it happened. He should have been informed right away, not only for your safety but for his own safety as well (std's), and so that he could have been given the chance to help you and protect you.

It is in no way your fault that you were raped, it was not my fault, it is no person who experiences it's fault, it is 100% the rapists' faults. But he probably feels unsure about everything because you did not inform him about it.

I think what everyone is wondering is why did you not tell him after the first time it happened?

Stillstings posted 3/30/2014 23:42 PM

Who raped you? Family member? Boss? Friend? Co-worker? How were they related to your BH?

Unagie posted 3/30/2014 23:54 PM

Apple, snarky comments aside I want to concentrate on you and what brought you here. I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here firstly.Your rape was a blow to your husband because he is supposed to be the one you can count on, the one to protect you and you kept silent. That is something you will both have to work on together to come to an understanding. He must try to understand why you didn't confide in him and you must figure out why you felt you couldn't.

Now for the actual OM in your situation, well work must be done on both ends but in this it must be individual and jointly. You must be able to answer his questions and understand the world of pain he is in. He must be able to sort through it all and work out somethings on his own, including what he needs. Your assault makes this much more difficult as the majority of the broken is tied into it. Please be gentle with yourself and him and take this one step at a time. Please continue to post as for the most part we are a loving community who supports each other.

Jrazz posted 3/31/2014 00:17 AM

Welcome to SI, appletoo.

I'm devastated for both of you to hear what you've been through. I appreciate that you want to help your husband get through this, but right now I'm so much more worried for you and what you have been through.

You speak of seeing a counselor in the past tense. Can you tell us a little more about this. You deserve much support and need a lot of therapy to process what has happened. You really can't help your husband until you get healthy.

(((appletoo & BH)))

Softcentre posted 3/31/2014 01:26 AM

appletoo - I hear you. I wasn't raped but sexually assaulted. I wasn't sexually active at the time. So I started acting out by kissing a whole load of different people for a couple of years. Part of it was feeling I didn't deserve a proper relationship (but still yearned for one), part of it was risky behaviour and putting myself in risky situations (I think to explore if all men were like this (they weren't),or maybe self punishment), part of it was taking control (if someone was going to do something, I would choose who, I would have started the kissing) and part of it was self validation (proving I was attractive/had power over men & finding some kind of self worth/ego kibbles in that).

It's hard to admit as a BS, but I can only imagine how I would have acted out if I was married.

I felt to blame (I wasn't), I felt dirty, I felt that either no-one would believe me or that my dad would end up in prison beating up the man - so I didn't tell. I have so much admiration for you,for reporting it to the police. That kind of courage can help you with R

I'm going to say something very hard, but I think you may need to hear it and it may be something that your BH feels or not, if he does, he's likely to find it hard to say, but maybe you need to raise the presence of a counsellor: Your BS is already struggling with your deliberate infidelity. The trouble is, he may also be wondering if the rape really was a rape or whether you are a serial cheater using it as an excuse. Personally, I believe you. But right now your BH is doubting everything. If there was no rape in the equation, he would be second guessing every little thing, men you knew etc, in your relationship. He probably has a lot of conflicting ideas/emotions about what happened to you, on a number of levels. Partners of rape victims often feel a kind of jealousy of the rapist (territorial thing), anger (sometimes projected onto the victim) at their powerlessness. Your BH may be very scared about all the 'horrible' things he is thinking and scared stiff about talking about them.

t/j Panda - Your comments seem very passive aggressive: maybe something to consider in counselling?

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