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My wife and I have been married nearly 40 years. Over the last couple of years her attitude toward me seems to have changed and she has become very critical and hurtful in her comments and actions. She prefers to meet her girlfriends than spend time with me. A few years back I had an accident that has limited my physical abilities, including lovemaking.Several weeks ago I was glancing at a porn site before heading to bed. I was about to shut the computer off when I came across a video that stunned me. It was of a white woman with a black man on top of her. The thing that I first noticed was how much she kissed just like my wife. After seeing this 4 or 5 times I then started to work with the start and stop controls. When I did this I discovered that the porn video was of my wife. I played the video over and over and inspected every detail right down to birthmarks and dental markings and pubic markings. I listened to her voice; after 40 years you recognize your spouse's voice. There was no doubt the woman having intercourse is my wife. After I made certain I confronted her with the video. She gasped when she saw how graphic it is, but then she denied that it is her. She admitted that it is her face, but is not her. My wife and I have been together for a long time an I recognize her body in this video, along with her voice, and her mannerisms. I was shocked, but certain that this is my wife. I never suspected anything like this, especially at our age. After confronting my wife with this video we were both struck about what a bizarre situation we are in.
This isn't like typical cheating situations where one spouse suspects the other and maybe follows or hires a private investigator. This story would even be to weird for the movies they play on LMN.
We are headed for a marriage counselor very soon, but I cannot think straight or get the adultery image out of my head. I've invested 40 years of my life with my wife and always expected to be with her until the end. Now my hear breaks that she would do this and continue to try to deny that it is her. I have looked for ways to disqualify her from being the woman in the video. Instead, each time I look at it I only find more reasons why it is her. There are no disqualifiers but many, many personal characteristics telling that it is her. My wife's attitude toward me has changed dramatically since showing her the video.
She is now much more loving since she realizes the possible consequence of what I have found. I don't want to lose her; I just want her to be honest with me and faithful for the remainder of our marriage. I think I can recover from the heartache if she can do that. How do I get my wife to admit what she has done?

I have no idea what to say Maury. Others will be along (weekends are a bit slow here).

Know that you are heard and that many here have been through heartbreaking experiences and will weigh in.

Wow, Maury. Well, this story sure competes with the top stories on SI.

What a shock for you. I am so sorry. You say she's now more loving? But hasn't admitted anything yet? What DID she have to say about the video??

I don't like:

Over the last couple of years her attitude toward me seems to have changed and she has become very critical and hurtful in her comments and actions. She prefers to meet her girlfriends than spend time with me.

It sounds like something has been going on for a long time. Also this loving stuff sounds like she's trying to sweep it under the rug. Don't let her do this at all.

She's got alot of explaining to do, and showing you how wrong she was, completely remorseful. Don't let her off easy. And absolutely do not take any blame at all for her behavior. The porn video is bad, but the hurtful couple years is additionally abusive.

I am so sorry you've had to come here, but everyone will give you sanity saving ideas. Don't let the MC try to even start to think you caused her behavior. Your ww needs her own IC for a while anyway to get to the bottom of what is wrong with ww that she did this to you. IC would also be good for you to support you through this. It's going to take quite some time, I'm sorry to say.

Keep reading in the upper corner yellow box library.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry Maury.

Right on discovery, we betrayed want to stop the tape as it were--literally in your case. We think, let's just make this go away and move on! Let's get our love back and keep our relationship! It's a shock and most people's brain don't really handle it well. That is what I hear when I read you saying, without knowing the first thing about how this video was made, how many there might be, what type of involvement your wife has with porn, how many people she slept with in this way, and a million other huge details that you do not know--that you just want to keep her and the M.

Frankly, that attitude is a bad one for you. You CANNOT commit to forgiving and moving on without knowing what you are up against. You must find that out. Whether through a PI or a polygraph you must discover what is actually happening. Because who knows how deep this goes. See a lawyer, tell her she must get a polygraph; do not commit to MC until she has agreed to a polygraph, because MC without truth is beyond useless. Think about your boundaries and your lines in the sand and be willing to walk away and file for D depending on what you find and on her level of remorse. Otherwise you are basically setting the stage for letting her get away with murder. Forgiveness has to be earned. Your wanting her to be honest and faithful will never do anything to make her honest or faithful. So you have to step back from what you want and figure out what she is capable of.

Take care of yourself.

Shocking on many levels. As a lady that has been in marriage 37 years, our generation generally has a sense of value fidelity and commitment.

So deeply sorry you have this situation . Please get right into marriage counciling

norabird is right

It is way to soon for you to know what you want - other than wanting what once had. You can't have that - there is no going back.

Spend the 6 months digesting this, learning all you can - healing from the tremendous pain and damage this has done. Then, maybe as early as 6 months, maybe it will take longer, you can start to decide what you want.

Read the 180 rules - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Get the full story - insist on full disclosure, full transparency. Work on healing

Good luck
I know you are in pain, but it will get better.

Perfect time to put that polygraph test to use.

I'm sorry Maury, but you know what you saw and cheaters lie.

It really sounds like she is trying to convince you that you really didn't see what you saw.

This isn't going to go away.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

Of course it's her. You know your wife. You know how she moves, you know her body. You have been married for 40 years. I think it's absolutely insulting that she is playing the " it's not me" card when you can clearly see it's her. She is treating you like you're stupid.

How old is this video? Why is it on the internet?

This is obviously unusual. I can imagine your wife is treating you differently, since this does not sound like a typical affair.

I would imagine you are also wondering how many other videos are on the internet and who else might recognize your wife.

It's her face but not her body? How does she explain this?

Thank you all for the ideas and suggestions. I never thought I would be in such a position or need to consider these actions. A polygraph? Always figured it was for strange people/criminals. I will consider all of your ideas and hope it can save the marriage. I may be better at this when/if the pain begins to subside. God Bless you all.

Maury - The pain will subside along with the shock in time. But it will not be tomorrow or next week.

You have to realize what shock does to the body and the mind.

It is obvious your wife has a lot of questions to answer. It might be best if she answer these in front of a qualified marriage counselor.

You wrote that your wife has not admitted this and is much more loving and caring since you found the video. That is very telling.

She can start by explaining to you why her attitude changed towards you in the past couple of years. And then go from there.

Your wife should be livid if she had no idea her face was used in something like this. And if that was the case, the FBI should be involved right away.

But I think she knows the FBI cannot be involved because she does know the full story of what in the heck happened.

Since you are in shock, your mind will go through every emotion there is and it can change in minutes from anger to depression to not caring and back and forth. Whatever you do, do not drink alcohol, and drink water and try to eat.

Your body and mind is in shock just like anyone's mind would be at a time like this.

Bad. If you are sure. Statistically the chances of finding your wayward on random porn video are extremely small unless she is porn star. Less small than a random high resemblance? Many times people on the subway have started up conversations with me because I look Excatly alike... you name it. But you say you are sure,in which case, I am very sorry.Strange things do happen

Maury,

I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I'm sorry you've found out in this manner and sorry this has happened to you. That's a tough one brother. I have no advice for you friend because I don't have the words. I can lend my support to you. You came to the right place and keep posting.

Wow! I rarely see posters here who have been in marriages as long term as yours or mine..

There seems to be an extra added layer of difficulty emotionally and legally in making an exit plan when one decides to end a marriage that has been this long..
I agree that your WW must get a poly..

Marriage counseling is pretty useless at this point, stick with IC..
If you do decide on couple's counseling make sure that the counselor delves into why the F*88ck your WW behaved as she did and betrayed you in such a massive way..

During counseling sessions, care and attention and priority must be shown for your feelings in the wake of your discovery of your WW's infidelity..

Now is NOT the time to assess or work on the marriage problems..

Now is the time to build up yourself, who you were before you were a husband and father..Build up or enrich your network of friends...Develop good methods of relaxation or distraction, healthy ways to cope and get thru the days..

Once the shock and numbness wear off, who's to know if you will even WANT to work on improving marriage with this woman..

You may decide that she doesn't deserve to be married to you..

Whether you stay in the M or leave the M, it is always a good investment to work/focus yourself to the point that you will know that you will be okay whether or not you and your WW stay together..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:55 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Hey Maury - how are you doing?

Yo, first things first. You have no guarantees that she was faithful even before the accident that rendered you physically limited. Get tested for STDs, everything under the sun. Make her get tested too, and make her sign the papers that will allow the doctors to release her results to you.

I'm sorry you're going through this.