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majorspud posted 3/30/2014 21:06 PM

I had an A, I admit that, and I had an EA four years ago. When EA happened we talked about it nothing physical had happened and we talked it over, made some changes and things went on as normal. What i didnt tell him was the whole truth. I talked to an old boyfriend thru fbook and on the phone. I felt a pang of affection for the guy, I cant say why, I just did. I read more into it than there was, wanted more than he was willing to give. We talked about old times, what we got up to, the fun we had, we were only kids 15 or so, it was never a physical thing we were too immature. It felt comfortable, wrong I know. I wanted to meet up with him to see how he had changed. He sort of agreed to meet me but wouldnt commit to anything, I didnt think anything of it, just thought it was one of those things. The more he wavered the more I wanted to see him, didnt give a thought to H and how he would see it. I wrongly thought he was flirting with me, that he still held a torch for me. I found out later that wasnt the case. With this in my head I thought he wanted me so I badgered him more about meeting me. I even went and bought new underwear in his favourite colour. He eventually agreed to meet me. I arranged to go to a cousins house that was a good 2 to 3 hours on the train, told him i was going an that i could meet him then. He said that was ok. I went he didnt, I had a phone call from him not long before i left. He told me he didnt want to come see me as it wasnt worth it. He had had an A before an got found out why would he risk it for me. I had travelled miles to see him and he blew me off, made me feel terrible. I went home early feeling totally rejected. He never contacted me again. H found out as one of my so called friends was jealous of me, so she told him everything i had ever said about it. The proverbial hit the fan. The fallout was not immense but did cause me and H to talk. I fudged a bit an didnt tell H the whole truth. H believed me an we moved on.

Skip to last year late summer, my M was a bit rocky and I was feeling pretty low, a family friend started talking to me on fbook, I thought it was harmless, it turned out it wasnt. It went from fbook to txting, to sex txts that were very explicit, to meeting him a few time, to us meeting and having sex. It was only a one time thing, straight sex no oral whatsoever, I met him once after. I had an emotiknal bond to him as I thought my M wasnt all it was supposed to be. It lacked communication, I thought H didnt love me, he treated me like a child, didnt seem to be sympathetic towards me no matter what I was going through. This had been going on for a few years. My AP said all the right things to make me feel better, I fell for him. I thought i loved him. In my head my M was over so it was ok. The A lasted a couple of months but was very intense on the txting. A mo th before H found out, I sort of lost the plot and wanted to leave H, I told him it was because of the way he treated me. It nearly killed him, I decided not to leave, I wanted to stay and make it work. I hadnt told AP it was finished just didnt bother telling him. AP did t contact me so I thought it was ok. Two nights after talking to H, I went out drinking with a friend, had alot to drink and started talking to another man, years younger than me and very attractive. He had spoken to me first and I felt flattered that this young man was paying me some attention, we talked for about 15 mins, I went to walk away from him and turned back, I dont know what possessed me but I took out a pen an wrote my fone number on his hand. I walked away, thought it was bloody stupid of me to have done that especially as H was making an effort. What an fookin idiot I was.

H found out about affair about a month later, not a pretty sight at all. I am guilty of TT and have been doing it for the last 4 mths. I always thought I was being honest when in fact I was fudging things or outright lies. H and I were working it out, even though there were things he didnt know about. Tonight I have finally given him the rest of the truth. Thats when he broke again and got very angry, I have lied to him about thus affair an the EA I had. I wouldnt be surprised if he hates me. I have great difficulty talking, I physically cant say what needs to be said and this has caused many problems. I wrote down all the things I never told him. Now i am a liar and a cheat and a few choice names he called me. He now says that I have lied to him for the of our marriage, I know I havent. I know the whe truth is out there but he insists on me telling him something new or he will walk. There is no truth to come out, how can i tell him something more did? I understand why he is the way he is, he has even taken off his wedding ring. He thinks I have cheated throughout our whe M an says that i have lied and cheated the whole time, that he knows there is more to come out. There is no more to come out, he has said he will walk if i dont start telling the truth, again i have no more truth. How in hells name do i fix this. I am going to lose him because i cant tell him any more.

Thank x

appletoo posted 3/30/2014 21:35 PM

Hi Majorspud,

I'm really not of much help, but I think sometimes its good to know that other people are in the same spot. My husband also wants more details that don't exist. I have asked him if he wants me to make something up so that he can feel better that he's actually getting information. It feels like he wants it to be even worse than it is, and it just doesn't make sense to me. I think the problem is that once you question yourself or remember a new detail, he feels that you are hiding something else when you aren't. Its a vicious cycle and I don't know how to end it. Feel free to PM if you need to vent.

BaxtersBFF posted 3/31/2014 08:02 AM

Sorry you're hurting majorspud.

It sounds like you are getting to rock bottom. You know that point at which there really isn't anything else, no other way but up. There is a point which I think most WS's get to where you just feel like there is nothing left inside of you. There is no fight left, nothing to hide, and that you are just a pile of mangled flesh and bone in the middle of the road. Have you gotten there yet?

In your case, you've told the major truths, the outline and probably many of the details are out now. There may still be some more details which you've forgotten in the face of the big reveal.

You said you started writing stuff down. That's good, now add to it. The more you pour out, the more memories may be loosened about past events.

On your written truth, leave out the "because I thought" bits. I understand that you may have felt this way, but when you say "because I thought" and then put something about your BH or the state of your M, you are just blaming someone else instead of taking responsibility for your choices to cheat.

Dig deeper. Write it all down. Give that information to your BH and let him know that you are continuing to work on it, to fill in the details and get every last bit of truth he needs.

Don't start confessing to things that really didn't happen, as that will just cause more trouble down the road.

Listeningclosely posted 3/31/2014 11:06 AM

majorspud -

When we crash and burn, the world starts to feel like it's swirling around you like a hurricane. To counter this, it's usually best to take baby steps. Focus on one day at a time, one right decision at a time.

It's already been suggested to you that you document the history in factual and straightforward detail. This is not just for your BS. This is also to help you wrap your own mind around what took place.

If you are not already seeing an IC, you need to. The most critical question you will ever answer in all of this is why you made the choices you did. This ultimately is the sole pursuit of a WS if they want to heal. At first the voices in your head will give you all the "fluff" answers that deflect from the truth. It was because I was lonely. Or it was because I was denied affection. Or it was because I hit a mid life crisis.

The real answer take time and a challenging process to reach. These are the ones that discover our own weaknesses. We have choices in all of it. We could choose counseling. We could choose to file for divorce. We could choose to accept the issues in our relationships. But we chose an A - the most destructive choice we could make. It's only when we find the real answer to why we made that choice that we can start our healing process. That answer is also required in order to provide a truthful answer to our BS when they ask how they can be certain we will not make the same choice again in the future. Our pleas of knowing the pain, of hating ourselves, of admitting to what we did will always ring hollow. It's only when we can truthfully answer why we made those choices that we can repair any damage and move forward.

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