I've found it,my why and how.
Its taken a while, I've had hints and fleeting moments where I could see and feel it but never where . "yes".
I have allways pushed the sexual abuse by my grandfather and during high school the sexual assault aside telling myself it was nothing.
Well it wasn't. It left me with the belief no one could be trusted no one could protect me, and I wasn't worthy of it.
When I met my husband that all changed. He inspired me to feel safe,loved protected. Inspired me to be fly. I was also terrified of loosing him. I had nightmares night after night of loosing him not being able to function and just being lost. Not being there when he needed me. (now quite aware that's codependency) But he was my life,my love my everything.
After he found out I remember a conversation we had and I finally said I didn't trust him. It rang true to me. And it was blurted out. And its taken a while for me to understand it. First I had thought it was cause my past relationships and being cheated on. So I had projected that onto him, and so I figured he did. His carreer easily made it so and no one else had shown me different.
But it just didn't fit right or feel right.
Before my first affair, he got drunk one night while away at work, and he and his work mates ended up over a hill road, totaled the truck and could have been killed. My world stopped. I reacted with a lot of anger that I couldn't put away.
At the time I thought it was about the truck, the fact he could have hurt himself, and how stupid could he be. And his continuos "get over it"
Now looking back with a new understanding of myself, my coping my,fears, he took his safety his protection away and it set in motion, the belief I wasn't worthy of love and protection. So I started pushing away, disconnected from, so I couldn't be hurt and proved that no one was safe and I wasn't worthy of it anyways.
How messed is that. And worse that its taken a second time to sit down and figure it out. To understand it , to do something about it.
Like my IC said I declared war on me and my husband.
Lately I have been having a huge struggle in trying to put myself back together, my body, my soul and my mind all seem to be separated. I've wanted to put all of this down and tell my husband. Its time to write it down.
I am planning on sitting down and writing this out how I was feeling where it came from it giving it to my husband. And what I now understand
My nightmares have come back and I can feel that old feeling, of loosing him, that intensness, that scares the crap out of me. To trust. To love that much, to be afraid of that love. To love has meant pain being let down. FEar of being intimate or to trust. And to expect to be treated right. Not the opposite belief that I don't deserve to be treated better.
I know this may sound rambly or even a little confusing. I sometimes have a hard time putting it to words. Some of you do it so well.
Its really so simple and yet so very complicated a person doesn't even know its happening to them, its so suddel that fear, that noise in the back of head the separation slowly but methodically I did. I can see it looking back. My "inner voice "my little girl" inside of me. Screamed louder than logic. or reality.
I need to forgive myself as well. I am learning to accept it. Now to find the strength to forgive all of me.
Thanks for listening and sorry for the ramble.