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nekorb posted 3/30/2014 22:12 PM

I don't really understand the 180 rule about crying in front of our WSs.

Understand it or not - I broke it today.

My ear has really been hurting the last couple of days so I asked him to look in it and see if it is infected for me. He was so close to me. My arm was touching his stomach and I just wanted to turn into him and put my head on his shoulder so badly. Instead I just stood there and cried while he looked in my ears. He asked if he had hurt me and I said no. He aid it looked fine and then went about his business, brushed his teeth and left the bedroom.

And now I'm crying about it as I type this.

Can you ever get to the point that you love them as your children's' parent and it doesn't HURT so damn much?

Right now I can't see it happening. I can't ever imagine not loving him. I can't imagine it not hurting. I can't imagine not feeling like I've been thrown away like a piece of trash. I can't imagine not feeling unimportant to the one person who was always supposed to be there for me.

We were never going to get divorced. We were always going to work at whatever the problem was and work it out. We were never going to cheat - we would always go to the other person and say we were unhappy but we WOULD. NOT.CHEAT.

What is wrong with me?

Why doesn't anyone ever stay with me?

My mother left when I was 8. (She was having an A)

My stepdad gave me the cut direct a year after mom died because his OW (A started while mom was dying) didn't want him to have anything to do with me - this was after a nearly 20 year relationship!

And now WH is having an A and leaving.

Oh wait - I'm sorry, the A isn't why he is leaving me. He is leaving me because of ME. It has nothing to do with OW. (His words)

What if it *IS* me??

Shitty night all of a sudden...

careerlady posted 3/30/2014 22:19 PM

I'm so sorry. I thought my marriage would be forever too. And actually I had a pimple or something in my ear that STBX lanced for me a few months back. I didn't cry but I felt how you felt. I'm sure there's a point at which the love/hate thing just becomes hate and then sinners down to indifference.

ImEnoughForMe posted 3/30/2014 23:08 PM

It's not you. It's him.

I notice my emotions are intensified when I'm very tired or sick. I know all about ear infections, they're extremely painful. I hope you get in to see a Doctor tommorrow.

Again - it's not you.


FieldsOfLavender posted 3/31/2014 00:20 AM

Nekorb, your words make me cry very much.

I'm sorry. ((((nekorb))).

justme1264 posted 3/31/2014 00:36 AM

I frankly don't care if the mods suspend me here. It needs to be said and especially in defense of you.

Your husband is a little bitch. Anyone who cheats and blames the the Bs as the reason they are leaving is a little bitch. He can't even be man enough to own his shit. If you want out of the marriage then own up and leave. Don't cheat and then leave while saying the BS is to blame. That is little bitch 101 in the sheepdog world. Miss, you deserve better. I am so sorry your husband turned out to be a little bitch.

Just keep reminding yourself of the truth when he tries to blame you for his A or the D. His words are not manly...not even close.

It Is Not your fault. Life is tough, taking of your wife and children is tough. It is man's work and not to be left to boys like your WS.

He did you a favor...imagine if the all the chips really feel and he met a wolf. You think he has the nuts to stand up to a real problem when he has the nerve to blame you for his A?

SBB posted 3/31/2014 03:53 AM

It Is Not your fault. Life is tough, taking of your wife and children is tough. It is man's work and not to be left to boys like your WS.


Nekorb, this is normal - we all feel this way in the beginning.

I recommend you read "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" - it helped me realise that I was not only healing these fresh wounds but some very old wounds too.

This new hurt brought back all of my old hurts to kick me in the guts just like they're kicking you in the guts now.

My part in this is not in causing him to do it but in gravitating towards someone like him and being a suitable mark for someone like him.

I felt like I'd known him in a past life or something - I felt so connected. Truth is it was his brokenness that was so familiar to me. That was my 'normal'. That is why I gravitated towards and attracted someone like him. I did know him in a past life - my childhood.

Your mum failed you. Your stepdad failed you. Your dad failed you. Your husband failed you.

They all failed you. You did not fail them.

YOU didn't cheat. You didn't lie. You didn't abandon a child and you didn't do this to your family.

It is not your fault.

((Nekorb)) Challenge these thoughts when they come. The logic is completely flawed and comes from a place of hurt, not of truth.

Klove posted 3/31/2014 06:14 AM

Can you ever get to the point that you love them as your children's' parent and it doesn't HURT so damn much?

Right now I can't see it happening. I can't ever imagine not loving him. I can't imagine it not hurting. I can't imagine not feeling like I've been thrown away like a piece of trash. I can't imagine not feeling unimportant to the one person who was always supposed to be there for me.

Wow do I hear you.
I have no answers- but man do I wish indifference would hurry.

It's a process, I guess.

mamazen posted 3/31/2014 07:17 AM

Big hug Nekorb. I feel your pain. Such honesty.

I am going through similar emotions (among many; intense rage too for me, which I realize is simply the defense against the abandonment pain).

I am reading some books now on dealing with the "negative emotions"....they all say not to suppress them, to "befriend" them with curiosity, and be a witness to them. I try to do this when I am able to remember. It's the only way to transform them....if we suppress/deny/run from them we never really heal.

Wishing you a healing journey through this.

((((((( another hug to you ))))))

kg201 posted 3/31/2014 08:30 AM


Your connecting your ex's actions to your parents is the main part that stood out for me with this post. As much as you can try to separate them. Each of those people had their own issues to deal with. Your parents clearly had, as I can't imagine any parent leaving their child, except for selfish reasons. I hear the pain about the fact that these leavings happened to you, and. I wish you a future where you do not feel this as much as you are now.

As far as the love part. If you are still in the same house, then that is going to keep weighing on you until it ends. How can you possibly begin to heal if you have a daily reminder of the hurt? I would also encourage you to examine what you mean by love. What is it that you love? How do you love? Is it the same as before, or is it different?

With my STBX, I would be hard pressed to say I love her, but their are moments when I see her where it feels "normal"... Like this morning on the transition of me leaving the house and her coming in to put the kids on the bus (we are trying to sell our house, and have had a set up where the kids stay out while she and I move in and out of the house on a weekly rotation). I briefly told her that the basement was flooded and the interaction felt "normal". As if nothing had happened. But I know it has and have come to a place where I have accepted that her behavior was not loving towards me, and how could I possibly return love.

So the question to you...."what is your new, accepted, normal?"

Take2 posted 3/31/2014 08:56 AM

I strongly second the recommendation of the book from The Journey from Abandonment to Healing! It was written for you!
I got a copy through the library.

hugs and prayers neck orb. (And your tag line... You can lean on Him too, even while you are waiting...curl up in His lap and rest.)

norabird posted 3/31/2014 09:47 AM


You are not to blame for being left. Put that on repeat. When the negative thoughts start, cut them off and tell yourself: This is not my fault. I do not deserve to be abandoned. I am worth cherishing. I am beautiful. My worth does not reside in others. It resides in me.

It is all so, so true.

lastdance posted 4/1/2014 00:01 AM


I want to come to your house and beat the crap out of your miserable, no good, selfish, heartless pig you married......he is despicable..............I wish I had a magic carpet and yes I would come to you and beat him up ..........real badddddddddd


(((((((((( HUGS))))))))

crazynot posted 4/1/2014 00:31 AM

First, I agree with everything the other posters have said. And second, (((())))). But most importantly, Nekorb, the reason you have these experiences, these conversations and these constant reminders of the agony is that HE'S STILL IN YOUR HOUSE. It starts to heal the day he leaves and you reclaim your space. Is there NOWHERE he could go? In fact, who cares where he goes? Is there a tiny part of you that thinks it's easier while he's physically present? Because I understand that totally but have to tell you that that's not the case.

jackie89 posted 4/1/2014 03:21 AM

I am here to tell you I could of written your post word for word, 1 yr ago. And yes you will feel better, it won't hurt as much as time goes on. But really you won't start to heal while he is still living with you.

It hurts to see him go on with life as if nothing has changed, when you are right there hurting so much.

Just keep thinking;
-one year from today, you'll be in a totally different place.
-you deserve so much better than him
-you will be loved, really loved by someone that deserves your love.
- and most importantly - IT IS NOT YOU.
He's a POS.


brokenpinkribbon posted 4/1/2014 07:44 AM

I feel your pain as much as if it was my own.
I'm going through the same range of emotions, I asked my husband to leave after only a month of trying the 180, I couldn't do it any longer knowing he was still talking to the OW
I had to reserve some dignity and self preservation not to allow this to go on any further.
I also got the blame for my WH having his affair, because I didn't do this or that right. If I talk to him even for a short time on the phone I'd come off thinking it really was my fault my marriage failed.
I echo all the other posts
My WH has been gone for a six weeks now, and I hate the loneliness, and hate the fact he has someone and I don't. I solely take care of our daughters who are 14 & 17 and he wanders home for 20 minutes or so when it suits him, then leaves making me feel exactly like you described in your post.
I hope for both of our sakes the pain does ease over time and we can have normal thoughts running through our heads again, and it doesn't involve our WH any longer.
I'm sorry I can't give you insight to how you will feel given time, but thanks to all the other wise people on this site who have walked the same awful path, they can.
Sending some strength to you to make the right choices for you, as from now, as I've been told many times since this has happened it's all about us now, let's be selfish!

debbysbaby posted 4/1/2014 07:45 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting. And it seems impossible to believe it gets better, but I want to share one of THE BEST quotes I have ever read. It took me quite a long time and lots of disappointment to truly "get it". I have it on my fridge, and if I can get my teenagers to live this, they will go through life being fine. Soak this up and live will save yourself a LOT of heartache and disappointment.

It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.

For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

[This message edited by debbysbaby at 7:46 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 4/1/2014 07:52 AM

(((((((nekorb)))))))) I'm so sorry you are hurting. And sick. And in daily contact with a blameshifting doooooosh. Being in the same house as you separate your lives and end the marriage is utterly soul crushing.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/1/2014 11:02 AM

Oh Lord,
What you stated about everyone leaving you, I was thinking about this the other day at lunch when I was driving back to work. My mom left when I 8 also, we were raised by my dad until she got herself together, She had an A also, my first stepdad, was a ass to me really, my second I loved very much but we lost touch, and my third, I feel in love with when he was dying of cancer, I never knew how wonderful he was because I was afraid to get close then he died.

I will be with wh 20 years in Sept, and married 7, he doesn't even know how long we have been together or married. He started the A after our 2 year married. It ended last year (I think) but he still wants a divorce because to much has happened to be fixed, but he was never remorseful or put in the effort to fix us or himself. Everything is about his happiness and what he wants.

Been at this for 5 years and you will come to a place where it won't bother anymore. But, I understand what you felt as I have also, many many times. And the False R was enough for me.... I will always love who I married and that young boy and the father of my kids but I don't love who he has become. He never see the pain he has cause or the words that kill me inside, or the actions that rip my soul apart. He will never know because he is not or won't feel empathy because then he would have to admit to the HELL he has put me through. He blames me also but I know the truth and I feel sad that he doesn't get it because he DOESN'T want to. How could someone hurt someone that they say they love or loved? Do they hurt people they don't know or love??? NO, they treat a stranger with more respect than us. Horrible.

Charity411 posted 4/1/2014 12:13 PM

You can get to the point where you maybe don't love them as your children's parent, but you can sit in a room with them without wanting to pound the daylights out of them and/or they have no affect on your emotions whatsoever.

In the last three years our daughter got married and had a baby. (In that order. Yay!) We got through the wedding just fine, although I did take sick pleasure in informing him that he had to drive three hours to pick up the linens our daughter wanted. I even danced with him at the wedding, which oddly, OW whom he married, did not.

And then I spent 20 hours in a waiting room with them both while our daughter was in labor. It was all very civil. What I discovered during that is what an asshole he is. Really. It's his personality. He's extremely annoying. But when you're in love you somehow don't see it. I found myself thanking God I dodged a lifetime with that bullet.

scarednbroken posted 4/1/2014 22:23 PM

Oh Nekorb.... I cry every day. Although I think in my case it's not because I loved and lost. I did that for 18 years. No. My pain is in the daily roller coaster he has me on. Nice one second a total ass the next. Cordial and civil the next second. Then intimidating and bullying the next. I am crying out the stress. It's good for you.

Ps. The more I read about your story. The more I think our WH are twins. They are way too much alike. And you are I have had similar disappointments. My father was a WS. My mother a OW after her D. I was molested by her AP and my uncle. No one believed me. I hope both of us find happiness and peace very soon.

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