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User Topic: She was living a double life
shockedmike
♂ 42950
Member # 42950
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 months ago I met a woman and we began conversing During the period where I was getting to know things about her she told me about her ex-boyfriend. She informed me that they had an on-again, off-again relationship for 5 years and that one year prior to us meeting she had ended it for good and had cut off all contact with him.

Fast forward a year later, some things occurred with email that made me suspicious.

Saturday night (2 days ago) I told her there were lots of things that hadn't been adding up for me and begged her to tell me the truth. She told me that she had seen her ex a few times, but "not for the reason you think." Eventually I got her to admit they had sex, but she insisted it had not happened often (who cares). She told me he didn't know about me. I happened to have his number because I had a backup of her computer from when I had reinstalled windows, so I gave him a call. WE had a long discussion. He was truly surprised by the whole thing. However, he told me something that floored me--they had been together for 7 years! She had never ended things with him. Thus, the entire time we've been together she is cheating on him with me and me with him.

I got angry because there have been times where she will tell me she is too sick (she has a chronic illness) to see me, but then I find out she's with him. At one point she made a big deal about me expressing my suspicions that these "too sick to see you" episodes were for her to do things without my knowing. So I was 100% correct yet she made me feel like I was wrong.

At this point I feel like I am emotionally sick. My mind keeps replaying every single inconsistency that happened during our relationship and I want that to stop. This is driving me crazy. It has put me over the edge. How do people do this to others?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Orange County
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day at a time.
Put your running shoes on and run like 'Lightning' Bolt away from this two-timing chick.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
4everfaithful83
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ShockedMike, Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us.

Your situation is heartbreaking. How any person could carry on 2 relationships at once just boggles my mind. Is the OM upset? Are they still in contact?

I'm sure others will come on and give you better advice than me, but a few things are:

1. Read the healing library, it has some really good stuff in there

2. You need to 180 HARD. She doesn't even deserve you right now. She's lied to you for 18 months, and to the other man. Do you live together? I would kick her out or move out yourself. Do not answer her phone calls or text, unless it about a bill you pay together or an animal you own or a child.

3. You cannot "Nice" her back, so don't even bother trying. In fact the nicer you are, it seems like the more power they feel like they have, and the worse you'll feel.

4. PLEASE take care of yourself. I know its hard, but try to eat even if you aren't hungry. Drink plenty of water and get lots of sleep. One day at a time. Don't worry about getting through the month, just tell yourself "I'm going to get through today"

I agree with Gonnabe2016 - I'd run FAST from this woman. All cheating is wrong, but this is just...I'm not sure you can come back from this. I don't really see how you could ever trust her again.

She doesn't deserve you, and she's obviously broken inside.

I'm sending you strength today!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 months? I agree, cut your losses and walk away.
She deliberately lied to you, ( and the other guy) to cover her cheating. Probably can't fix people like that, life's too short to waste the time trying when you don't have that much invested.
18 months is nuthin', chalk it up to experience and move on.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:36 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edit for dbl post

[This message edited by twisted at 9:53 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other posters in saying that you should run..For some reason that only she and you may know, she is stringing you along..

You deserve much much more than she is giving you..One can be so much happier living alone without having any committed relationship..

Things tend to change for the better with time..Either one gets used to living alone without being in a relationship or one meets a boatload of new friends in a short period of time..

Oftentimes your choices of activities makes all the difference in the people/friends you meet..

It sucks being in a dysfunctional relationship where what few crumbs of caring that are being thrown out to you are accepted with elation..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Nov 2011
shockedmike
♂ 42950
Member # 42950
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your advice. The OM is extremely angry. I am certain they are still in contact because he called me to confirm some things. When I told him a certain item he asked me if I had the evidence. So I texted it to him. A second later he sent a text that was meant for her basically letting her know that he had further proof of her lies. They have a very dysfunctional relationship (on again, off again for 7 years apparently) where they don't "date" because her mom and sister cannot stand him so they THOUGHT she was no longer seeing him.

I am completely done with her. I won't respond to her if she texts, emails or calls. I have some of her stuff in my storage unit and my best friend said he will meet her to give it to her if she wants it. I gave her until this weekend to pick up her stuff from him.

Thank you all. The pain is horrible and the bruised ego as well. She really played me for a fool and I had clues all along. I am posting this to help others:

1. When I first met her we would email and IM a lot. She told me how her "ex" (the OM) cheated on her so she broke up with him. Later when we were having a talk about something I mentioned his cheating and she tried to convince me that she had never said that (I had the IM conversation to prove she did) and then when she saw the proof said "we have a different definition of cheating". She would defend him when anyone said something bad about him despite telling me how awful he was to her. RED FLAG!

2. On her own, with no request from me, when we first started dating (first 6 months) she would text me "Hey, heading to the hairdresser so I won't be in contact again for an hour or so" and stuff like that. Well 6 months in that stopped. She started having 3 hour absences. She has a chronic disease so she would tell me she didn't feel good and was sleeping. The reality is that the pattern was changing because she was seeing him. RED FLAG!

3. At one point we went to a Starbucks for coffee and to get some work done. She needed to use the restroom so she asked me to get her computer connected to the internet. I did so and when Chrome opened it reopened tabs that had previously been opened and one was her AOL email. I immediately saw HIS name in the in box. I was calm and waited 30 minutes before confronting her. She was so slick. Immediately she said "Let's look at it together" and we did. She claimed to now know why there was that email and others from him in her inbox. I clicked on the sent folder and found emails from her to him. She claimed his ex-wife was trying to destroy our relationship. I really had no reason to not trust her. There were 2 things in her favor: (1) the sent emails said "Sent from my iPhone" and I had removed that signature from her phone the first week we were dating at her request; and (2) her demeanor when confronted was one of shock and confusion...exactly like someone who had nothing to hide. I told her that because I trusted her I would accept her explanation even though it made no logical sense to me. RED FLAG

4. More "seeing each other" patterns changed. She has to go in for IV treatments 5 days a month (one full week) and is wiped out afterwards so she would always make sure that the weekend before those treatments we would spend an entire day (Sat or Sun) together. That started to not happen. First in January, then in February, then in March. I have since found out that he gets his kids every other weekend. Prior to January her treatments fell on the week AFTER his weekend with the kids so she wouldn't be able to see him, but once January hit her treatments fell the weekend BEFORE he had his kids so she could see him. She would say she was "too sick" to see me, yet many times she would call me and be in her car and claim "I am just running to the store to get something" RED FLAG

The moral here is TRUST YOUR GUT. Mine was telling me something was wrong but I trusted her. I was the fool for doing that.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Orange County
turnedupsidedown
♀ 42953
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry Mike. I just found out last week that my love of 13 years and husband of 7 was living a double life for over a year. This is a great place to start. Everyone has given me such amazing advice so far.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
strengthandhope
♀ 37907
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a friend like that. Although she wouldn't tell me all that was up with her I would add things up in my head and....it was fuzzy math! Now after years of this she is a broken person and going through a lot interpersonally because of it. RUN DUDE! I love my friend but see how sheh destroys relationships.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
shockedmike
♂ 42950
Member # 42950
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strengthandhope, it is amazing how people like that really are. My ex would try very hard to convince me that I was confused or something. Once I was walking to my car and the phone rang and it was her. The street was very loud so I picked up and said hello. When she said hello back I said "Hang on honey, it is really loud out here and I cannot hear you" Well apparently it was so loud she didn't hear me say that so she continued talking. When I got to the car I said "I'm sorry babe, you need to repeat...I told you to hold on because it was too loud" Her reply blew me away! "You did NOT say that...you just THINK you said it!"

I realized last night that when something didn't add up and I would ask her for clarification she would never explain further. She would just repeat the same story no matter how much I told her it didn't add up. She would finally say "If you say so." But the reason she couldn't explain further was that she was lying. Liars can't explain too much or they risk showing their hand.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Orange County
strengthandhope
♀ 37907
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True dat shockedmike. My husband is a man of little words...even when the proof is in front of his face! I always chalked it up to his criminal mentality. He was in deep trouble years before I met him...seemed on the straight and narrow...seemed.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
strengthandhope
♀ 37907
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw you will see the term "gaslighting" on here. What you are describing is textbook. They try and make you question your judgement to take the heat off themselves. Pathetic and wrong! You know what you need to do. Good luck man.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that your here Bro. What's especially hurtful about your situation is that being she never ended things with the other guy she made you an unwitting OM. Clearly she has been playing the two of you. Glad to got out of the dysfunctional life she created for all of you. Now that the curtain has been pulled open and her little charade exposed, let her get what she clearly deserves.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5824 | Registered: Nov 2007
shockedmike
♂ 42950
Member # 42950
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stonger08, That's one of the things that angered me the most is that she made me the OM. Her alleged not-so-ex-bf called me and asked me to confirm some of the things I had told him so I provided him with all the evidence he needed. She tried to lie her way out of it with him (of course) so I made sure to provide him with whatever evidence he needed to prove she was a liar. She emails me and blames me for "ruining her chances with him". I didn't respond, but clearly my thought was that she ruined it all on her own. Of the 3 people involved, she was the only one who knew the entire story and could have changed things at any given moment had she cared enough to do so.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Orange County
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this may sound bitter..

People are rarely what they seem..

It takes a long time to get to know people, only to find out that you don't really know them..

Sometimes trusting somebody means trusting yourself more..

There is peace in knowing that you will eventually recover in time when people decide to hurt you..

There is also peace in knowing what to do and/or knowing your tolerance level for what people dish out.. Being able to dump the people you consider garbage in your life..

It is YOUR CHOICE whether or not a partner or friend gets a second chance to stay in your life..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey shockedmike. I just read through your thread and I don't have any additional advice for you as it sounds like you are done and moving forward. I wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I understand and can empathize with your pain. You have an extra layer of deceit that made you an unwilling OM. Awful. Clearly there is a lot very wrong with this woman.

I wish you strength, courage, and peace to keep moving forward in your healing process. It's now time for YOU.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Steve55
♂ 41621
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others; cut your losses, do a 180 (That's hard as hell, but you need to) and move on.

A relationship where one partner is living a lie cannot succeed.

This is a VERY similar situation to mine. I was friends with a co-worker for many years, we dated for about six months about a year ago and then she started to cancel dates, etc. She'd alternate cancelling with calling me for dates, so that kept me on the line.

I suspected she was having an affair with another co-worker, one who was married. I started suspecting when I found a gift with a suggestive card. Several months later, I looked at her phone and found months of texts between them that clearly showed there was an affair going on. There were a few sexts detailing how much he liked her in certain positions. I was devastated, but I'm glad I found out. I was really head over heels about her and this would have been much worse if I had found out and we were in an even more serious relationship.

Hang in there and please know that all of us on here been through this. This forum is a great source of support. Stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 1:05 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing when you look back and can actually see the trail of red flags. I found a lot of my pain was from beating myself up about being stupid. I've always considered myself an intelligent and perceptive guy, and I just shake my head for being such an idiot to not have seen it before.
I guess love really is blind.
The good news is, now I can see this stuff across the street.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:17 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Steve55
♂ 41621
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing when you look back and can actually see the trail of red flags. I found a lot of my pain was from beating myself up about being stupid. I've always considered myself an intelligent and perceptive guy, and I just shake my head for being such an idiot to not have seen it before.
I guess love really is blind.
The good news is, now I can see this stuff across the street.

I think feeling stupid that we missed the signs is all part of it. I know I do, though I've come to realize trust is what a relationship is all about. So, we naturally assumed that our partner was someone we could rely on to love and not betray us.

I know in my case, the suggestive card I found on her desk ("Here's some Skittles for Valentine's Day. Guess what I'm going to give you for St. Patrick's Day") should have been a major red flag, but I continued to buy the story that he was "just a friend", until I saw the texts/sexts months later. Yeah, I feel very stupid.

Love your signature line, by the way.. I'd like to try that on the guy f'ing my ex :)


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
shockedmike
♂ 42950
Member # 42950
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to update everyone on my progress. Early Sunday morning it will be a week since I found out the truth. The original boyfriend has been in touch with me asking me to confirm some things because, in his words "I want to end this once and for all and she has a way of convincing me that I don't really know the whole truth" so I provided him with pictures of all the cards and letters she gave me where she called me the best boyfriend she's ever had, etc. That was a point of contention because she's trying to convince him she only saw me a few times and has no idea why I would think I was her boyfriend. I provided him with other information she had provided me previously...like she told me when they "broke up" 2 years ago she joined eharmony to find a new man. I provided him with that information and the link to the profile (easy find via Google) and he was pretty hurt by that because they were together while she was doing that.

I cycle through so many different emotions. I feel sad, then mad, then I cry, then I get mad again. Too many people tell me to just move on, but it isn't easy when you loved someone with everything you had. It isn't easy when that person lied to you continuously. I know that fact alone should make it easier, but it doesn't.

One of my friends asked would I take her back. I actually had to think about that for a moment. As soon as I realized the only way to take her back would be to own her like a possession (open access to cell phone, computer, all email accounts, etc.) I knew it was not a possibility because I hate to be controlled and I hate to control other people.

I am looking for the strength I need. Found a graphic that says "A breakup is a blessing from God. It's his way of saving you from the wrong one" and to that I say "God why didn't you save me from the wrong one by making sure I never fell so in love with her?"

I also started a Tumblr blog because I am constantly tempted to email her things. Instead I post them to my Tumblr blog. If anyone wants to read it, PM me and I will give you the address. I don't want her to ever stumble upon it via a forum like this or I would post the link here.

Thank you for your kind words and your understanding. That's why a place like this is so important--like-minded people dealing with similar issues.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Orange County
Topic Posts: 32
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