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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: new here
blackbirdfly
♀ 41131
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I'm new here. Very new.

We just decided last night to get a divorce. Have been up all night talking. Crying. It's still very new. I feel like the whole world is different, like I'm underwater. Like nothing is real.

We have three children. We (I) tried to R for three years. But it has been three years of TT and pain and sadness. So here we are. Three years later. Five years post affair.

He still loves her. He emailed her and told her he still did and that he needed her to know and told her we were getting divorced.

I guess that's it. I know I'll need support.


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 48 | Registered: Oct 2013
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh... false R is one of the cruelest things a person can do. You deserve so much better than this. Others will be along soon to offer support, I am sure. Just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

(((blackbirdfly)))


Posts: 8008 | Registered: Dec 2010
imwideawake
♀ 23386
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry (blackbirdfly). I know it is a hard first step ,but you will get through. My situation was like yours. We tried for 3 yrs to R . I don't think his heart was ever really in it. Maybe mine wasn't either. Down deep, I think it was a deal breaker for me, it just took 3 yrs for me to be ready to D. Even with the 3yrs, the D process was very painful. You will get through it, and there is a new, awesome life waiting for you! Use all available resources and reach out for support. Divorce is not the heavy, bad word I originally thought.


Together 21 years.
Married 19
Me: BW, now 45
Him XWH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 20, 19, & 16
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 908 | Registered: Mar 2009
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blackbird...

You deserve so much more than what he's been giving you. Divorce is hard...very hard. But so is living in limbo and knowing his heart isn't where it should be.

When the dust settles down and you look back I think you'll be much happier to have him out of your life.

Stay strong and stay focused


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198836 | Registered: May 2002
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Blackbird))

Those first few days are the hardest. The fear of what lies on the other side of the decision can be paralyzing. But once you are on the other side. And it begins moving. And you realize that the sun can still shine, it does begin to feel better.

Hang in there. Buckle up for the ride, but you will get to a good place.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 772 | Registered: Aug 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will get a lot of support; the people here have been a tremendous source of strength for me. I would not have been able to get through the past five months without the D/S folks!!! Ask for what you need, even if it's just being heard.

Like you, I tried to R but my ex was not able to be an honest partner. The process to D in my state was easy and we had no kids but it was still gut wrenching--hang on for a bumpy ride but know that we're here for you.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 663 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
metamorphisis
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blackbird..
He doesn't still "love" her. He doesn't want to be alone. He apparently has a soul sucking need to be validated by another person at all costs as you are sadly finding out. And frankly, anyone that desperate and unable to be alone isn't capable of mature love.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this place, and the feeling of being underwater is shock. Be kind to yourself and lean on us while your world slowly normalizes and rights itself again. It's going to look different than you pictured, but you've also not pictured how serene and rich and wonderful life can be when you are living authentically and without this torture.
Give it time, and you too will find the peace that others who have walked before you have felt. The last thing you are is alone.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45290 | Registered: Sep 2006
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, blackbird. I'm so very sorry that you are hurting. You truly do deserve so much more than he is capable of giving. The years you put towards R with this man were a huge gift. The fact that he repaid it with TT and false R is beyond cruel - it's torture. I completely agree wtih meta - he doesn't love her, he's trying to latch onto her so he isn't alone. There's nothing healthy about his actions, just as there's nothing real about his "love."

((((((bbf)))))))

Although D wasn't what you wanted, I promise you that life not only goes on, IT GETS BETTER. You can survive this next part of your journey. It may seem overwhelming at the beginning, but you just take each step as it comes. You've joined a very compassionate and fierce tribe down here in D/S. We've got you, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26191 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that everything hurts so much and is so hard right now, but I know that a part of you has been needing freedom from his lies and general toxicity for a long long time.

We are all here for you any time you need us.

Sending hugs and love.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18315 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should read and reread the lyrics to the song your username is based on. Even when you first signed up, I think you knew where this was going just by your choice of username.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4270 | Registered: Sep 2005
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. ((((blackbird))))

You are right, support will be very needed. I hope you gets lots of it IRL too. Ask for whatever you need and you will be amazed at how kind people are. And be kind to yourself, too.

It is his loss.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he doesn't love her, he's trying to latch onto her so he isn't alone

This sums up ex-asshat (how my xh is known around here) so well... I don't think that man has spent more than a week alone since we split up and really, he usually has one waiting in the wings while his current relationship is falling apart.

It took me years to realize his behavior is (and always has been) all about HIM and his brokenness. Was I a perfect wife? Nope, of course not. But I was good to him. And you know what? Even if I'd been horrible, it still wouldn't excuse how he treated me (and the banana bunch) through several As and attempts at R. I didn't deserve it and neither do you.

One more thing I learned? It's okay to stand up and say no, that you're worth more than the treatment you're getting. And divorce isn't the end of the world. In fact, it can be the beginning of a road to a much better one. It definitely was for me.

(((bbf)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Iamhappytoday
♀ 39051
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so proud of myself the first few weeks after final D-day, then reality hit and the real work, just to breathe or get out of bed--began.
I'd read so many stories on here about 180 and NC, but not adhering at the time in my own situation.

Here are some truths: this place is a life-saver.
When you break NC, don't berate yourself endlessly, think of it as a construction site citing "x" days of no accidents.
Understand that false R and TT are so incredibly soul-crushing, and that you need to know that's going to take real work to heal, and that's ok. You are loved and supported, and heard.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
woundedby2
♀ 18522
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blackbird)))

Welcome to the D/S forum. We will take good care of you down here.

I remember the feeling of being underwater. That surreal feeling. I remember feeling as though I were observing my own life from outside a fish bowl. This is the anxiety and fear.

I would recommend that you get a couple of consultations with attorneys just so you understand your rights and what to expect in the divorce process. You don't have to retain one now, but you don't want to go into the process blindly.

Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7849 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
click4it
♀ 209
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((blackbird))))

I want to invite you to be vey kind to yourself right now. I can imagine the depth of despair you feel at the moment and the roller coaster of emotions that you are experiencing. I know no words will bring the comfort you need right now.

If you can I want to also invite you to know that we are here and will continue to support you through this difficult time. If you need to cry, vent, scream - we are here.

An in person support group I found very helpful is Divorce Care. Its a group for people that are separated and divorced or thinking of it. You can go to www.divorcecare.com to find one in your area.

Sending much love, hugs and strength your way.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
blackbirdfly
♀ 41131
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much everyone. Thank you.

The pain is so intense right now. I don't know how he could still be attached to someone from 5 years ago. That he is throwing his whole life away for a feeling.

That my family is going to be broken because he is still hung up on some little slut he dated for two weeks FIVE YEARS AGO.

Tearsoflove - I know the lyrics. I chose it for two reasons - one, it was the song at our wedding. We walked down the aisle to it. And I love it. And I don't want to hate it just because my marriage is over. Now, yes, it's sort of my message to myself.

Oh god this hurts so much. Oh god, I don't know how to get through it.


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 48 | Registered: Oct 2013
click4it
♀ 209
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hun, I know it hurts - the pain is so unbearable. I'm not going to tell you to try to feel anything different. The only way to get through the terrible yuckiness of the pain, it to be in it, as much as it sucks.

We are proof that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel you are in right now.

No matter how much your brain will try to make sense of what has happened and why, etc., you will not be able to make sense of it Its crazy, its nuts and that's his crazy to deal with.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blackbird,

You shouldn't hate it. It's a beautiful song and you deserve to use it to reclaim your strength. So sorry you're here and hurting. Hugs.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4270 | Registered: Sep 2005
mof2
♀ 40287
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BBF))))

Please hand in there. The pain is excruciating but you will get through it and just have to work through the pain. I remember that the only way I could get the pain to subside some was to cry. Do not hold back tears....let it flow. This is like experiencing a death. I think the only thing worse would be the death of a child. There were times when I wondered how I was still breathing.

It is a process but it is a process you will get through with time. 5 days after my XWH asked me for a divorce I was on the phone with my sister saying "I just want a week to go by, a month, a year....and it has and I am a completely different person.

Come here, vent, get things off your chest. We hear you and understand your pain. Do you have a support system? Family, friends? In the beginning, I had to talk a lot!!! My family would basically take shifts on letting me talk it out. My SIL was awesome!!!! ((((Hugs))))


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BBF)))

The pain is immense and there is probably lots of uncertainty too right now. It is probably impossible to image getting through this or even finding your happiness and hope for the future along the way, but it is there. It all begins with a single step forward and slow ply the fears and pains will start to shift. Hope will bloom as will your strength. Find people to support you. Vent your anger out whether in here or to people in real life. You can get through this.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53008 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Topic Posts: 21
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