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LdyD posted 3/31/2014 08:10 AM

It's been a roller coaster week (as to be expected). On Friday, I had a panic attack because my H didn't communicate with me and he broke one of my trust terms.

Background: his deceased mother's home and the AP are both located on Rt. 17 here. The first time H and his AP turned the EA into a PA was at his mother's house.

One of my trust building terms was that he not drive 'down' Rt 17 past the AP's trailer. At all! If he needs to go 'up' 17 (this way doesn't pass the AP's trailer) he MUST either be with me, or let me know ahead of time that he needs to go check his mom's house. I can track him on the Find my Friends GPS app. Then he MUST call me once he's there and talk the entire time until he leaves Rt. 17.

Well, Friday I bought 3 bouquets of flowers to arrange them into 1 beautiful bouquet for his mother's headstone. The Cemetary that she is in, is also on Rt. 17. Out of respect, I asked him if he wanted me to take them to the Cemetary or if he would like us to go together. He chose to go together.

On his way home from work, he text me saying that he was in front of the mall (on Rt. 3) this is the next exit up I-95 from Rt. 17 (aprox 10 miles). I checked the GPS map about 5 minutes later to see how close to home he was. The app located him going up Rt. 17!!!! (Our house is nowhere near Rt. 17! )

I freggin' LOST it! My first reaction was that he was lying to me about where he was (it should take longer than 5 minutes to get from Rt. 3 where he said he was to 1/2 way up Rt. 17 where I seen him!)

Of course I thought he was meeting the AP again.

I text him saying Rt. 17?!?!
He calls saying that he was going to the Cemetary and was expecting me to meet him there. I said... You never mentioned anything to me about meeting you there! (He usually does confirm with me if we meet up somewhere after work).

I reminded him of saying that we were going TOGETHER... That means in 1 vehicle! I was expecting him to come home and we drive together.

He made light of this and so I angrily said... I've gotta go, can't talk right now, and hung up on him. I was furious!!

I needed space to cool down and get my thoughts together. He went ahead and went to the Cemetary, then tried calling me back 3 times (I declined the calls) he text me twice asking me what's wrong???? I didn't reply.

I then put my cell on the charger took 2 Xanax and went outside to think.

I was hurt, pissed, and having a panic attack. While waiting for the Xanax to kick in, I started trying to process this.

I was proud of myself because I backed away before lashing out and accusing my H of lying etc.. I was proud of the fact that I was able to ignore his calls and texts (come to find out later that he lit my phone up 10 more times while I was outside!)

He turned around and came home. By the time he got home, my panic attack was under control and I was better able to process my emotions.

I explained to him why I hung up. That he broke one of my trust building terms. He admitted that he should have communicated more clearly with me, and apologized profusely. He said that I gave him a panic attack from ignoring his calls and texts. I explained that I Had to do that in order to get a grip on myself.

Did I overreact or was my response normal?

[This message edited by LdyD at 8:13 AM, March 31st (Monday)]

Wodnships posted 3/31/2014 08:43 AM

To me it seems like you reacted very responsibly and as normal as one can be in these things. It does sound like a honest miscommunication. I hope that once you calmed down you were able to see it that way too.

LdyD posted 3/31/2014 08:51 AM

Yes, I realized that it was an honest miscommunication. I could have been more clear as well. I told my H that,

SpotlessMind posted 3/31/2014 11:48 AM

((((Hugs))))) I think your response is very much in the range of normal for someone who experienced a recent trauma.

I'd never experienced a full-blown panic attack until after DDay ( though I can now see how stress over my mom's illness and work before DDay had already started me down that path). I've had a couple since. One time, my husband and I had fought and I'd left to spend the night at a friend's. I tried to get ahold of him in multiple ways the next morning and couldn't for close to an hour, and I panicked. I knew he was probably on his way to work, but he'd used late nights at work as a cover in the past, plus our agreement was that he was to check in immediately if I was looking for him while he was away from home.

I understand completely the worry that you overreacted afterwards, but in those moments, the panic is very real. It sounds like you were mindful enough to help yourself get through it, and you avoided saying hurtful things as well. All in all, I'd call that a success.