I used to be a confident, capable, intelligent, active woman with lots of interests. The longer I spent married to The Arse, the more my confidence disappeared, once he got into As, it really plummeted and I became very unhappy, blaming myself for most of it.
These last couple of days, I've been doing a job application and it's reminded me of all my achievements and accomplishments. I'm remembering who I am.
I'm also realising just how much The Arse has taken from me, in a bid to make sure I believe his lies and let him have his own way...in his passive aggressive victim way. I was finding it hard to say what I felt/meant because he'd accuse me of being critical, so I became a people pleaser, but hated myself for it. I let him change me. I lost myself for a long time. It made me angry deep down, but I couldn't work out where the anger was from.
I was writing my vision for changes that would need to happen in the job. At first I was just writing what I thought the people would want to hear. Today, I rewrote it and wrote my vision for change that needs to happen. This might mean they won't like it and i might not get it. But today, I realised that's ok. I am me. I need to be me in my job. I'm not hiding myself anymore.
It's hard though, my default is still to not want to cause waves, cramming down my thoughts...until it comes bursting out.
Anyone else going through this or been through it?
[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:51 PM, March 31st, 2014 (Monday)]
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - Unremorseful passive aggressive blameshifter. CL, AFF, EA's & at least 1 PA. Dday Aug 2012. He walked out April 2013, wanting D, now stalling
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him