My DD was 2/17/14, and I was 34 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't say we're 100% in reconciliation, just because I'm not sure we're to that place mentally yet, but we ARE in massive independent and relationship counseling in order to welcome baby girl into a safe and reasonable home.
It was a LTA, and much of my pregnancy was sapped of any joy from my H, which therefore made me feel very hesitant to express or feel any happiness over our impending arrival the past 9 months. I feel guilty that we're bringing her into this environment, and scared that she'll never know the love of a 2 parent family. I DO know that she will be loved and well cared-for. I also know that if I EVER got pregnant again, it would be a disaster for me emotionally.
So yes, I get the mixed emotions. Don't be scare to feel them. I also think it's healthy to show that vulnerability to your spouse. If your R process is healthy, I would think that he would be able to reassure you with his thoughts and feelings, even if he's also frightened... Like "yes, this is scary, but we're going to get through it, and it WILL be a blessing". We're just hashing through some of these things now, and I'm due on Friday - Ha!
Best of luck!!
I won't lie, pregnancy complicates R, even with a totally remorseful WS. I had a tough pregnancy and postpartum recovery, and the A recovery really took a back door to that. One thing we did right was tp plan for that. We were each in weekly IC and MC from the get go and reading on top of that. We did as much as we could to heal and make our marriage strong as quickly as we could. In some ways, I think this fast tracked our recovery, in others ways, things got really delayed. At almost 2 years out, my WH is just now digging into his major FOO issues, not because he wasn't remorseful or willing to do the work, but because he was totally out of touch with his emotions and we were dealing with so much it got back burnered in favor of learning better ways of handling conflict and communication in the marriage so he could be a better partner and father. All important things, but probably handled out of order out of necessity, kwim?
Right now I have a sweet 6 month old snuggling in my arms while I type one-handed and life is good. I wouldn't trade her for anything and can't imagine life without her. We have to work extra hard to focus on our recovery, but we are doing it. We have exchanged IC for reading books together, but with three kids age 6 and under, there just aren't enough hours in the day right now. We do see our MC at least biweekly now, although we took about 4 months off.
My advice is to do as much as you can to work on your healing during the pregnancy so that you can stay afloat for the first few months after the baby comes, and then plan to return your focus to healing from the A as soon as you adjust to life with the new baby.
Two final thoughts:
1. Be aware of postpartum depression. The A and the circumstances of the pregnancy put you at an increased risk. It is a very misunderstood condition, and your OB/midwife and IC should all be on the lookout as it will beard for you to self assess.
2. A remorseful WS makes for a very attentive pregnancy/birth companion. My WH was more present for this pregnancy than for any other. The pregnancy was the hardest by far, but because he was so great, it didn't feel nearly as lonely or difficult as my previous pregnancy.
(((deena04))) everything will be ok.
Then there's the whole body image/changes part of pregnancy, I'm at the looking chunky, not pregnant stage of things, the confidence I'd built up through the infidelity diet and running is all but gone because I haven't been doing anything but napping whenever I get a free minute!
Honestly it wasn't until a few weeks ago and a miscarriage scare that I realized how much I want this little one. I also want to bring them into a family that is strong and healthy, we're still not there and I feel like this has given him another excuse to rug sweep in a sense. But life hasn't been totally miserable either, he's been a wonderful support around the house, doing about 80% of the work because I'm completely wiped by the time 8:00 pm rolls around.
That's the long winded way of saying, congratulations! Be gentle with yourself, give yourself some time to come to terms with the news and above all, take care of yourself.
[This message edited by happierdays at 8:43 PM, March 31st (Monday)]