Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Alldone2 (45714)

User Topic: Pregnant and R
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we didn't think we could have anymore children (won't go into why, but that's what we were told). I just found out we are! Literally about half an hour ago and have not told WS yet because I am shell shocked. We have a blended family and love our children dearly. I am not sure whether I am happy or sad (don't judge, please). Has anyone had to deal with this in R and how did that affect it? I am 37 and really thought this ship had sailed, if you know what I mean. Not trying to be negative; just think it hasn't hit me yet.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and to top it off...the day he cheated (even though I didn't know it until 4 months ago) was two years ago tomorrow...stressing and triggering bad on top of this.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Dec 2013
crazytalk
♀ 42668
Member # 42668
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs and prayers, deena.

My DD was 2/17/14, and I was 34 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't say we're 100% in reconciliation, just because I'm not sure we're to that place mentally yet, but we ARE in massive independent and relationship counseling in order to welcome baby girl into a safe and reasonable home.

It was a LTA, and much of my pregnancy was sapped of any joy from my H, which therefore made me feel very hesitant to express or feel any happiness over our impending arrival the past 9 months. I feel guilty that we're bringing her into this environment, and scared that she'll never know the love of a 2 parent family. I DO know that she will be loved and well cared-for. I also know that if I EVER got pregnant again, it would be a disaster for me emotionally.

So yes, I get the mixed emotions. Don't be scare to feel them. I also think it's healthy to show that vulnerability to your spouse. If your R process is healthy, I would think that he would be able to reassure you with his thoughts and feelings, even if he's also frightened... Like "yes, this is scary, but we're going to get through it, and it WILL be a blessing". We're just hashing through some of these things now, and I'm due on Friday - Ha!

Best of luck!!


Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: midwest
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, do NOT feel guilty about any reaction you may have to this pregnancy. We had a surprise pregnancy in R, and I did not take it well. I cried, and accused WH of doing it on purpose to try to trap me in the marriage That is how I felt though, so trapped. All of the empowerment I had just gained through IC, all of my momentum to go back to work, all of the confidence that I would be fine if we divorced - all of it was just sucked right out of me. I considered an abortion, but realized quickly I couldn't. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy for months. I felt like a stupid 16 year old for letting it happen.

I won't lie, pregnancy complicates R, even with a totally remorseful WS. I had a tough pregnancy and postpartum recovery, and the A recovery really took a back door to that. One thing we did right was tp plan for that. We were each in weekly IC and MC from the get go and reading on top of that. We did as much as we could to heal and make our marriage strong as quickly as we could. In some ways, I think this fast tracked our recovery, in others ways, things got really delayed. At almost 2 years out, my WH is just now digging into his major FOO issues, not because he wasn't remorseful or willing to do the work, but because he was totally out of touch with his emotions and we were dealing with so much it got back burnered in favor of learning better ways of handling conflict and communication in the marriage so he could be a better partner and father. All important things, but probably handled out of order out of necessity, kwim?

Right now I have a sweet 6 month old snuggling in my arms while I type one-handed and life is good. I wouldn't trade her for anything and can't imagine life without her. We have to work extra hard to focus on our recovery, but we are doing it. We have exchanged IC for reading books together, but with three kids age 6 and under, there just aren't enough hours in the day right now. We do see our MC at least biweekly now, although we took about 4 months off.

My advice is to do as much as you can to work on your healing during the pregnancy so that you can stay afloat for the first few months after the baby comes, and then plan to return your focus to healing from the A as soon as you adjust to life with the new baby.

Two final thoughts:

1. Be aware of postpartum depression. The A and the circumstances of the pregnancy put you at an increased risk. It is a very misunderstood condition, and your OB/midwife and IC should all be on the lookout as it will beard for you to self assess.

2. A remorseful WS makes for a very attentive pregnancy/birth companion. My WH was more present for this pregnancy than for any other. The pregnancy was the hardest by far, but because he was so great, it didn't feel nearly as lonely or difficult as my previous pregnancy.

(((deena04))) everything will be ok.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Dec 2012
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks; I was planning a triathlon this year. Side joke: every time I have planned that in the past is when I found out I am pg. I should have known. I am not sure how to handle it yet and will tell my WS tonight, but I am not in a hurry. I already know he will be ok with it and probably thrilled, but I am kind of the buzz kill here on it. Just not excited. I hope that passes.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Dec 2013
crazytalk
♀ 42668
Member # 42668
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ YES. THIS! 100% agree to feeling trapped. I can't exactly 180 right now and it's driving me nuts, but I'm thinking it might be for the better since I was always the "strong one" and it would have probably driven him away. I need lots of help around the house and can't get away with keeping him out of some of the vulnerable places. And our focus is completely different than if I wouldn't have been pregnant (I probably would have waited on paying a MC until he had figured out some FOO issues).

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: midwest
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena04 I was planning a marathon. I'm back training for a half now, and in a swim clinic building up enough endurance to do a sprint tri! You'll get back there. Don't worry about being the buzz kill, you have earned the right! It may take you the entire first trimester to wrap your head around this. I didn't get to the point of being excited about the baby until a few weeks before she was born, and even then it was a mixed bag of emotions. That is ok, and what therapy is there for. The sooner you and WH get to a place where you feel safe letting him be there for you, the easier it will be.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Dec 2012
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support. I really don't know what to think. Right now, I am triggering bad and pretty much don't want to tell him. I don't want him at the doctor. I don't want him involved with this at all. I feel he lost that right. Dreading tonight - maybe waiting to tell him. Just not sure I can deal with it today.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Dec 2013
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others have said don't feel guilty about your feelings. You are in a tough situation so it's going to be hard to be super excited right away. I didn't get pregnant during r but found out 10 days before our baby was born. It has made r a lot harder I think. I struggled with bonding because I was depressed and preoccupied with a stuff. I think she sensed my anxiety and in turn was a very difficult baby. Lack of sleep and our busy lives made me extremely emotional. It's been two years and I still struggle. My advice to you is focus on taking care of yourself, get into ic if not already, and don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Good luck to you and congrats! No matter what happens in your marriage your going to love that baby and that's all that matters.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2012
happierdays
♀ 38537
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can so relate to how you're feeling deena. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and I'm not going to lie that I've had totally mixed emotions about it. We'd been told a couple of years ago that we had about a 10% chance of conceiving again and therefore did nothing to prevent and surprise! Right after I found out I was upset and angry, mostly because it made/makes me feel vulnerable and dependent. I know that on the salary I make I could support our daughter and myself, but two kids would be a stretch, though I know there's always a way. I also struggle a bit with the fact I'll be 40 when our wee one is born.

Then there's the whole body image/changes part of pregnancy, I'm at the looking chunky, not pregnant stage of things, the confidence I'd built up through the infidelity diet and running is all but gone because I haven't been doing anything but napping whenever I get a free minute!

Honestly it wasn't until a few weeks ago and a miscarriage scare that I realized how much I want this little one. I also want to bring them into a family that is strong and healthy, we're still not there and I feel like this has given him another excuse to rug sweep in a sense. But life hasn't been totally miserable either, he's been a wonderful support around the house, doing about 80% of the work because I'm completely wiped by the time 8:00 pm rolls around.

That's the long winded way of saying, congratulations! Be gentle with yourself, give yourself some time to come to terms with the news and above all, take care of yourself.

[This message edited by happierdays at 8:43 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 146 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats to those of you also in expecting. I didn't realize we had our own "club". I am doing a tad better today, but still figuring it out. I chickened out on telling him yet. Today is the anniversary of when he actually committed the act (two years out), so I am just getting through that first.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.