Hopefully, you've spent some time reading the boards and looking through the Healing Library (the link is in the yellow box on the main page above Dr. Phil's head). There's a lot of information in there that's very valuable, so please spend a lot of time reading here.
Has you husband actually told you he wants to divorce? Has he been to a lawyer? Is he still living at home? Unfortunately, without more details, it's a bit hard to try to give you some advice as to which direction you might need to go.
You're amongst good company here.
I wish you much strength.
Right now everything IS turned upside down for you. Please remember to eat well and drink plenty of water. Take care of yourself.
Read the healing library and practice the 180!
Know that you are not alone, and you did nothing wrong! His affair is a reflection on himself, not on you. NOTHING makes it OK, and don't you let him convince you otherwise.
You can't "nice" your husband back, practice the 180 immediately!
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
He is basically blaming me saying that I showed our child more love and attention than him so he went elsewhere to find it
[This message edited by Credence at 10:44 AM, March 31st (Monday)]
I promise you, your life is NOT over. I totally understand that half your life has been dedicated to this guy - I really do. I, too, married my high school sweetheart that I'd been with since 15 years old, thinking it would be forever. Sadly, it wasn't. People grow and change and become completely different individuals as they grow into adulthood and get older. It's just a fact of life. You became a responsible young mother once you had your baby, but your husband didn't progress at all. That's NOT your fault, and it wasn't your job to constantly feed his ego 24/7 just so he wouldn't stray. That's on HIM, and him alone.
You might want to seriously consider going to a lawyer and getting some good solid legal advice, since your husband seems to be pushing the divorce issue. I know you don't want a divorce and that's perfectly fine, but knowledge is POWER, Turnedupsidedown. When your cheating spouse is telling you that he wants a divorce, you can no longer assume that you're both on the same team and that he's got your best interests at heart, because he clearly does not.
No doubt, having his 'girlfriend' waiting in the wings offering him a safe place to land has given him the courage to act like a horse's ass and basically desert his family. That's on HIM.
I remember a time in my life when I was so completely devastated by betrayal that I honestly didn't know how I was going to perform the monumental task of putting on my makeup that morning for work. I distinctly remember looking at my makeup bag that morning, wondering how in the name of all that was good and holy was I going to be able to physically do it? You might as well have asked me to climb Mt. Everest.
I can still remember that day and moment many years ago because I believe that's when I was at my absolute lowest point. And it's cliche as hell but the truth is that once you hit bottom, there's only one other way to go - and that's back up. And that's exactly what I eventually did.
My point is that you won't always feel like you do right this moment. I promise you, you won't.
Please, PLEASE go to a lawyer as soon as possible.
Breathe, try to eat, try to sleep, call on friends and family to help with your child, and know that this is not your fault. Know also that you are young, and will honestly be better off without this manchild. You will make it through.
If your loving them causes you to disrespect yourself...are you going to choose loving him, or loving yourself and your child? I hope it's the latter.
Unfortunately we can't tell ourselves to stop loving who we were with. We can't disengage the feelings by turning a switch. They linger, painfully, for a long time while we mourn and grieve. It shows you have a good, loyal heart.
That is okay. It is being human.
But you can't let the desire for the comfort of being near him, being back together, override your healing. If he wants to divorce you, your healing includes accepting that. It's a struggle to get to acceptance. But begging, pleading, fighting will not help.
You can share those feelings with friends; with family; with a therapist; with church, if you have one; with us here at SI. Certainly you should not judge yourself for being heartbroken. You've been traumatized! It's awful.
Try getting a copy of Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Try to remember the bad things about your marriage, so you are not remembering a partial picture. But feel your feelings, and give in to expressing them so long as you do it in a safe place. I can't tell you how many bathrooms I cried in while this all went down.
I want to tell you to hang on. You are smart, strong and capable You will survive this, and be better off for it, believe it or not.
He is basically blaming me saying that I showed our child more love and attention than him so he went elsewhere to find it.
He is a sad broken man. You are doing great so far. Changing the locks, and throwing him out was smart. If the OW he is having an A with is married you need to reach out to her spouse ASAP and pull the secrecy off of this ugly thing. A's tend to die in the light of day, and the more people that know the sooner reality can come crashing down around your H.
I get wanting to work it out, and I get being with him your whole adult life. I was 15 when I started seeing my H. You have to put yourself, your needs, and your childs needs first and foremost right now though.
See a lawyer, and start drawing up D papers, hold his cheating behind accountable when it comes to being daddy.
See your Dr get the full STD work up and talk to your Dr about what you are emotionally dealing with right now. That kind of weight loss is bad for your body, and you will be much more likely to catch any bug that comes your way. Talk about meds to help you sleep, and allow you to eat. Get some ensure, or protein shakes, and if you don't like those, make smoothies with chocolate icecream with them. Your body needs these calories right now. You have gone into an extreme and extended fight/flight mode.
Remember NOTHING YOU DID or DID NOT do caused this. He is broken, he has to figure that out on his own.
Keep reading, keep posting.
I'm so, SO sorry for the agony that you're in. It's a terrible place to be.
Please, read and re-read neveragain and norabird's posts. I'm asking you to read them more than once because you're in shock and can only absorb so much at a time. Go, read them now and hang on to every word (even if it's hard to believe right now), it will start to sink in slowly. Even if you only absorb and hold onto one sentence, it's a start.
Please, please go read their replies again. They have so much wisdom to offer.
I'm praying for peace and direction for you, I know it's hard to even breathe right now.
It is really the only thing you can do at this point. If he is really serious and wants out, then there is nothing you can do to change that and you need to try and move forward. You will get tons of support here.
If he panics and decides he wants his life back, then the real work starts. The HARD work. None of this will go away in a day. It will take time but you will get plenty of advice how how to do a successful reconcilliation.
Just try to breath right not, take care of your health, be good to yourself. You did nothing to deserve this. Hugs.
so sorry to see you here........you will cry and hurt........you will be in denial......you want to die.........BUT REMEMBER YOUR HUSBAND HAS 12 MONTHS AHEAD OF YOU.....HE HAS ALREADY DETACHED HIMSELF FROM YOU..........HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGD........HE HAS LIED TO YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE FOR A YEAR........HE HAS ALREADY CHECKED OUT OF THIS HOTEL.........YOU CANNOT STOP HIM........YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM STAY.....HE HAS ALREADY MADE HIS CHOICE>........
just remember that you are suffering,missing him ,and wanting him back ,but this will pass too.........he had his time to get over you,this is your time.......you had no warnings.....very unfair, we .......that is what betrayal is....
read as much as you can......do NO CONTACT.....180 right away......HE NEEDS TO MISS YOU......NEEDS TO KNOW HOW IT WILL BE NOT TO HAVE YOU IN HIS LIFE AGAIN.......see a lawyer as fast as you can.....educate yourself about your rights,,,,,,protect yourself and your child,,,,,,REMEMBER HE HAS HAD 12 MONTHS LEAD ON YOU......STAY ALERT,,,,,,,HE HAS BEEN PLANNING HIS ESCAPE ......HE HAS THE LEAD ON YOU