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LdyD posted 3/31/2014 11:35 AM

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

My WH and I have been having date nights and constantly saying "I Love You" to each other. A majority of the time, he says it to me first, and I'll reply.... But I am guilty of saying it first at times.

Going by # 17, how should I reply or pull back when he wants to schedule date nights or says I Love You or I Miss You? (Which both are very often) he texts me a lot while he's at work.

#9 & 10 are the hardest for me to figure out with making him feel like I don't want to be with him.

The others, I understand and feel although some will be tough, I feel that they are necessary to help my own self-esteem.

All suggestions welcome!

Wodnships posted 3/31/2014 11:38 AM

If your husband is truly remorseful and being honest with you and you are trying to reconcile I don't believe applying all of the rules in the 180 are helpful. The 180 is more useful in 1. Helping you move on from your relationship. 2. Showing your husband what he's giving up.

If things are on track and you are both dealing with your feelings about the affair canceling your date night and not saying I love you isn't going to help strengthen your relationship in any way in my opinion.

LdyD posted 3/31/2014 12:11 PM

Wodnships, Thank you! That's how I feel as well. We are openly communicating about the A and everything else right now. He seems genuinely remorseful and he has already started showing positive changes.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/31/2014 12:25 PM

The 180 shouldn't be used if your WS is remorseful and he is doing actions to show that he is. The 180 is a tool to emotionally detach from an unremorseful WS and to get yourself stronger. If you have both committed to reconciling than the 180 can actually harm the reconciliation. OTOH, some of the 180 should, imo, always be in place for yourself, LdyD. Like, #'s 22, 23, 25, 26 are good to use all the time, even with remorseful WS's.

LdyD posted 3/31/2014 12:55 PM

That makes perfect sense. I was struggling to figure out how the 180 helps a committed R from both partners. I do see several tips in there that can be useful to help those (like myself) with low self-esteem.