SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 4 weeks since I confessed my horrible LTA to DH. The affair was both emotional and physical and with someone DH knew and trusted. DH was completely blindsided and devastated, obviously.

I had been in therapy prior to confession and had made major changes in my life to try to "fix" things without coming clean. I never thought I would confess but it became clear that it was the fair and right thing to do. DH knew about the therapy and never asked much since I have serious issues with my FOO. I was also heavily involved in church during this time and experienced a tremendous shift in my faith (which had a lot to do with my confession). In the months prior to confession Dh remarked that he had seen a huge change in me for the better.

Dh has decided he wants to reconcile even though my affair was horrific and most would say it is unforgivable. He believes I am keeping NC and believes I am truly remorseful. He believes that I've spent the last year trying to work on myself and end the affair. He believes that my biggest concern right now is HIS healing. We are in church, therapy and have a small circle of Christian friends who know and support our reconciliation (some who have survived infidelity themselves). We are praying over each other and have many others praying for us. We seem to be in a good place- getting along, talking, being intimate, laughing, etc. Of course there is still crying (both of us) and the occasional angry outburst (him) but overall we are doing well as a couple.

My fear is that it's too much, too fast. Is this too good to be true? Is he trying to rugsweep because he's in denial and just wants his life back? He should be angrier, he should be making things more difficult. Will he wake up in 6 months and decide he can't handle it? I would love advice and to hear experiences from both sides. I have smashed him into a million pieces and I'm desperate to make it right.

Intothelight,

I would consider myself in a "too good to be real" R; however, I am over a year in. Your BH is very new to this and I would suspect that once it really sinks in his feelings will fluctuation. They may be like mine and just be little fluctuations or he could do a complete 180. The important thing is that you continue to be there and support him no matter what.

My fWH and I had a basically drama-free R after 5 false Rs and like you I questioned whether or not I was doing this whole R thing right. Members that have been here a lot longer than I told me that everyone's R is different and that as long as my fWH was doing what I needed him to do than our R was right for us. So, you need to do what your BH needs and be prepared when and if he 'fluctuates'.

Mack

It seems that your confession and the changes you began to make before it paved the way for R to have an opportunity to go so smoothly. Lots of the posts I see about struggling with R tend to include issues of blameshifting, the fog, gaslighting, TT, and difficulty showing true remorse. Your story doesn't seem to include any of that. From what little I've seen, it's the continued lying and deceit after the A is revealed that creates the biggest barriers to R. By confessing and already engaging in IC you are giving him every reason to begin the process of trusting you since he decided that the A itself wasn't a deal breaker.

It might be that at some point he will falter and need to express some intense anger or feel the need to be alone for a time to process his own feelings. Like Mack9512 said, you will just have to be prepared to give him that time and space should it happen.

It has only been 4 weeks. He is still in shock. That doesn't mean it will get really bad, but it will absolutely go up and down even with the most remorseful spouse who does everything right.

We are 5 years into R. My spouse has been a model former wayward and has done everything right (still does every single day) and it has at times been so good that I wondered if it was too good to be true and at times so bad I wondered if we'd make it another day. It cycles and you need to be prepared to be blindisded by the cycles and how fast they can come on (even years out). He may want his life to go back to the way it was, but at some point he will have to accept, it never will be the same again.

The best thing you can do is focus on what the hell made you do it and how can you make sure it doesn't happen again. Be transparent, be humble (everyday he stays is a gift), do not get defensive(even if he asks the same questions 50,000 times and if they pop out of nowhere, maintain iron clad boundaries (ask him to define what his ideal boundaries for you are)...they may need to be adjusted as he moved through the process.

Enjoy the good days and enjoy each other when you can. It is possible to R. I wish I knew what the magic sauce was that makes it work for some and not work for others...but I don't. Just strap in and hang on, it is going to be a bumpy ride.

At four weeks out, I was still in shock. Your BH is very new to this. Once the shock wears off, expect him to be on a roller coaster of emotions.

Are you talking to your BH about the affair? Is he asking questions?

The anger will come. When it does, please try not to become defensive. Try to understand he needs to get his anger out, though it hurts you. try not to deflect. Apologize very specifically. Be patient.

We say it takes about 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. I think most SI veterans will say that's a fairly accurate time line.

We are talking about the affair- I talk mostly about the "why" that I've figured out in therapy over the last year and how I felt then vs. what I now see is the truth. I am sure I blame OM too much- I am sure I spend too much time talking about how manipulated and used I feel. I'm trying to be better about pointing fingers. He doesn't ask many questions. He says he is done hearing the details. I definitely TT those first few days after my blurted confession. He caught me in lies that resulted in him calling a divorce attorney which was terrifying. I've since offered to write a timeline with details- multiples times- but he said he's had enough disgusting details. He has mood swings where he gets very angry but he never says really horrible things to me- I just see it in his face. He bursts into tears sometimes. I really wish he would talk more- I encourage him to open up, scream at me, call me names and get it out- but that's just not him. I don't know how to help him.

You need to work on blaming the OM. You are responsible for your actions..and only you. Hearing you blame OM, even a little bit, will hurt your R..you..and your BH. You need to own this. All of it.

He may change his mind about the details. If he does..no more TT. Be honest. Lying about anything at this point could be the end of his wanting to try. Write a timeline anyway. Put it up. That way when he is ready, it has already been done. Add to it as you remember things.

Is he on SI? It sounds like he really needs someone to talk to. Maybe you could suggest he post in the JFO forum?

Thank you. I've told him I'll answer any questions when he's ready. I'm prepared for him to change his mind.

He has a couple of friends to talk to and is in IC. I don't know how much he's opening up at this point. He is not on SI but I'll suggest it.

Think in terms of 3 healings - you - your responsibility, your H - his responsibility, your M - both.

Right now, your H is, as others have said, in shock. In a month or 2 or 3, he'll get out of shock and really begin to feel the pain. If that doesn't happen, he's probably stuffing his feelings, and that should be addressed - it's eminently addressable, if he does the work.

It's possible that he'll go for forgiveness too quickly, because he wants to avoid the grief, rage, and fear your A has brought to him. Lots of us R without forgiving (I know that sounds strange, but it's true), but I don't think anyone can R without processing the pain. Given your faith, forgiveness probably will come - but it probably shouldn't come until your H is sure you've repented, and it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust, especially with a(n) LTA.

If you keep doing things that show you're trustworthy, trust and forgiveness will come - it's just a slow process. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt. (You write your H believes you're NC, etc. - I'm assuming you also mean that you are, in fact, maintaining NC, being honest, staying far away from TT, etc., so D-Day is the true date of last hurt.

Bottom line: I think your R seems too good to be true because it's too early for the real pain and issues to make themselves known - so a lot of pain is probably in your future.

But you're doing the right things. Stay focused on that, be optimistic, and don't worry about the eventual outcome right now - doing the right thing is the best way to ensure the right outcome. If you stay open, honest, and loving with each other, when the storm hits, you'll be able to handle it.

I think you're making the right choice in telling your H you'll answer his questions when he asks - that's when the answers will mean something to him. I think you'd help your R if you ask him from time to time what support he's looking for from you. Some of this is '5 love languages' stuff (search on that), but some of it is timing. Let him tell you what he needs, since you're probably not a mind reader.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:53 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

That's great that you confessed and started therapy first. Such an incredibly hard thing to do. I confessed to my BH as well.

Your R sounds a little like mine at the beginning... We even went ahead with our plans to start a family.... And then the 1 year hit. It has been a bumpy year 2. I have no idea if we will end up reconciled at this point. I hope your BH handles it better than mine has.

Glad you are posting. You will need the support!!

Confession does make a huge difference. But that said, you BH is certainly still in shock. He needs to get through all the stages of grief and he's in step one. Keep doing all the right things, keep digging deep and working on yourself, regardless of what your BH does or says. At worst, if he did decide one day he can't take it, you'll be a stronger healthier person in the end.

I know at first I seemed "okay" too, but it was only because of complete and utter shock.

He may be confused as to what feelings he should address and which he should try to control. He probably feels very overwhelmed and internally has a lot going on. I mention this because I know for myself I was all over the place and it wasn't until finding some info online and ultimately SI that I finally learned that all my feelings were valid and to be expected. Seeing that in writing was like a giant load off my back. I finally knew I wasn't going crazy and I wasn't overreacting or some weak person who couldn't just get over it. This is why I agree that SI would be a really good place for him to start. It would be a lovely gesture if you were to print some things off for him from the Healing Library that could help him see that these feelings are normal and also what to expect as you continue to R. I would also suggest printing off the thread about what WS need to do help their BS. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

You could print it and write at the bottom that you know he needs these things and commit to doing them, that you'll do whatever it takes to help him heal.

It can be difficult for a BS to be vulnerable at this early stage. Showing him that you are researching how to help him heal would be very encouraging to him. It may help him start to come out of his protective shell a bit when he sees your efforts to know his position and his pain.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. Our relationship was pretty bad the first 20 years. We had turned things around and developed a close intimate marriage and had been steadily getting better for abt 8 months when dday#2 happened. (It had been over for that 8 mos) The progress that we had made and the intimacy we had developed in that 8 month span did give us an advantage and I was able to forgive very quickly. The pain, however, was another story. Still had/have to go through all the same pain but without the added burden of trying to fix other major marriage issues at the same time. (Thank God)

I suggest you choose a few books (Not just friends, How to help your spouse heal from an affair etc) and ask if the two of you can read a chapter together a few nights a week. This way he sees you wanting to better yourself and help him heal and you're the one initiating it which can be a great source of comfort and help build that bond again. Most will say that the though the WS is the perpetrator he/she is also the very person the BS needs most as their comfort and support. You can use this opportunity to do that for him.