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saysomething posted 3/31/2014 16:30 PM

I dont know what forum I belong on here. Its been 3 years since the first dday. Im still stuck..still in pain...and afraid to reach out to wh. Hes run me over (emotionally) so many times that im afraid to jump back in and even start R.

I did reach out to my sisterand she has been a huge help. with everything that's happened I just feel lost. He's everything ive always wanted in "my" husband. We do everything together, we have alot of fun. But...hes lied to me soooo many timez that I dont know "how" to MOVE on. Sometimes I look at him and feel so much love and other times I feel like "you fuckin bastered, how could you, you dont deserve me"!

I drew my line in the sand and told him not to cross it! He did! Now what? How do I move forward? He claims he "will never lie again" how do I give another chance? I dont know if I have it to give.. I do love him, dont want to destroy our family. ...but I feel so alone and lost. I dont even know what im asking for here...has anyone had to forgive lies three years out? How?

Leia posted 3/31/2014 17:46 PM

First, I think you should read the healing library on the left.

I don't have any wise words, because my situation is different from yours. The best advice I have for you right now is just take things moment by moment. Hang in there and there will be others along with better advice that I have to offer.

annb posted 3/31/2014 18:58 PM

I think the only way a WH "really" begins to understand the devastation they caused is when they feel consequences for their actions and SEE what the A has done to the BS and the family.

If you draw a line, you have to make sure he understands what the consequences are. If you continue to allow him to get away with whatever it is he did, he is bound to do it again.

norabird posted 3/31/2014 22:54 PM

Is he able to discuss your lack of trust and your fears with you, and reassure you?

mandala posted 4/1/2014 00:11 AM

Im not sure what your whole story is, but you don't deserve this.

You have to ask yourself why he crossed the line you say you drew. Did you tell him what the consequences would be? Did you actually know what they would be yourself?
Do you think he's just pushing to see what you will take?

Or has he made a genuine effort to change? To help you? At this point it should be all about helping you heal if you are in R. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel safe and secure. Be totally transparent. You should have all passwords to everything. Know where he is, what he is doing, and who he is with at all times.
If you are going to be "moving forward" together at this point, he should be willing to carry you.

Having " a lot of fun" doesn't seem like much of a trade off for years of pain and emotional abuse.

And he most likely will lie again. If this has been going on this long and he's still getting away with it, why would he do anything else?

You are not the one destroying your family. He is. Do not blame yourself for his actions.

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