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Healing without knowing who the OW are?

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kate0421 posted 3/31/2014 16:41 PM

Okay, I have had a bad day. It started out with waking up from a horrible dream. It was about finding out that these OW were people who knew me. That they have been laughing at me. That they both have been seeing WS all these years.
Since its not in my profile I will briefly explain my situation. WS when Confronted with a polygraph told me he has cheated on me. There was TT and he says it was 2 ONS. Both were a couple years ago about a year apart (But what is classified as a ONS?because he met both these girls through his "party friends" ) slept with OW1 when we split for 2 months then again after we got back together (says he ran into her at a bar then drove back to her place) and slept with OW2 at a house party (she's friends with OW1) on the pool deck with everyone inside. He says he doesn't remember the names. Only the OW1 and it was Mist (or something like that). I have been obsessive about figuring out who they are. Everywhere I go.. is it her, her or her? It is literally driving me insane. It has ruined countless days and nights when I'm out somewhere and get that "paranoia" I have been on FB for hours looking through all my friends and friends of friends and in my town and state of all the women that come up with this name. I can't get past this. How do I get past this? How do I stop? He says that he really can't give me the names.... but he got both of their numbers TWICE. . He got both together when we were seperate and then once when he ran into them separately. I know my WS is still TT. I have been trying to just work on myself and better myself. I don't know how long I will wait for him to "get it". I have been doing pretty well the last 2 weeks then BAM this dream put me right back to obsessing over who they are. I just want to leave this whole town. I feel humiliated. This is MY HOMETOWN, and I just want to run away

BtraydWife posted 3/31/2014 16:46 PM

I think the only way I'd have to let go of who they were is if they were actual ONS and he didn't know their name, knew nothing else about them, etc. The idea that he CAN get back in touch with them in some way would require me knowing exactly who they were.

It would be a huge problem for me until I knew that info. Now way could I heal with him knowing that much about them and me not.

Has he willingly dropped all his party friends? He looses them too. Consequence of his actions.

confused615 posted 3/31/2014 16:55 PM

I'd tell him to give you the names of the OW..NOW. I don't believe he doesn't know their names..or at least couldn't ask his friends who were at the party.

And if he can't? Then tell him he's going to have to go through with the polygraph...due to the TT...and the unbelievable bullshit that he doesn't know their names...and one of the questions will be, "Do you know the names of the women you have cheated with."

Hmmm. If you don't know their names...then they could be friends..relatives..a "new" friend he just met and wants you to be friends with too..a neighbor..a coworker..really..they could be anyone. How can you possibly feel safe without knowing the names of your enemies? You can't.

He knows. And he is either protecting himself..or the OW...or he is still having an affair with one of them..and he's protecting the affair. And he slept with OW1 at last twice? Yeah..he knows her name.

He may never get it. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with this disrespect on top of the cheating. He is wanting you to believe the unbelievable.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:57 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

Holly-Isis posted 3/31/2014 17:25 PM

Keeping walls up between you and him means windows open between him and the OWs.


He's being selfish, protecting himself and them to your detriment.

xOw1 was a "friend" of mine. I knew who to look for when I was in a store or driving down the road. I was on alert, but I was relatively emotionally safe.

xOw2 was a coworker and it took some time to find a picture. MrH refused to even tell me her hair color or height. Just that she was "like you Holly" in not wearing much makeup. She doesn't even live nearby... at least an hour's drive away.

When we were near her town, I was the same as how you described. Every woman was potentially the OW. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself, "Leave the selfish bastard if he can't at least protect your heart."

That's what I'm telling you now. Look at how far apart my d-days are. You can't R with someone who won't give you the information you need. Who will hide this info from you. You'll always be looking for "her" or wondering if this is the tip of the iceberg. Nope, he needs to answer you and be there for YOU.

kate0421 posted 3/31/2014 17:27 PM

That's the thing though, when I left him years ago we were young his way of dealing with an argument was to leave with his friends and get wasted. It was durring this time we were seperate that he found these "party friends". After we got back together he still ran into a few of them occasionally for a year or two. Two of those times I was out of town and he ended up partying all night and Fing these hoes.
He said he hasnt seen these guys in a few years. Around this time i remeber him and his friend went out. He got so wasted he woke up with his SUV gone, pants shredded with his package hanging out, he had to go over to our friends house to figure out what happened. Turns out they were drinking he got smashed started driving like 90 on a 45, ripped off some random drug dealer, got his truck stuck. His friend kept trying to talk to him to get him to stop trying to start his truck because it was out of gas. Walked to a 711 and instead of going around a fence he just bolted through it (hence the shredded pants and brushes everywhere) then the next day we went to 711 and they were all laughing saying he was trying to buy gas without a vechile and was trying to pay with his keys...and he didn't remember any of this.. I was with him the whole time while he was really freaking out trying to ask his friend all these questions. After this particular night he said he really kinda snapped outta his whole party stage. Said that one day soon after all thus he was with our son and me and just kinda snapped into this wtf am I doing with my life.
I have noticed the changes, he hasn't drank liquor in years... until now I just thought it was because of that bad hangover and it made him sick to think of it. The worst that happens in an argument the last few years is he will just go out in his man cave and work on something. And have his little pout.
But after DDAY everything has become a question..
I don't know if I can get over this. What If I befriend one of the OW and then introduce them? I hate this paranoia feeling, thinking it could be anyone at anytime anywhere I go... I don't think I have trust that my WS would tell me if he ever saw one of them, even though he says he would ya because his words are soo trustworthy

confused615 posted 3/31/2014 17:31 PM

Just because he hasn't talked to any of these guys for a few years...doesn't mean he can't make a few phone calls and find out their names.

Funny though. He had sex with OW1 twice...several months apart. So he wasn't so drunk the first time that he didn't remember her when he saw her the second time.

He knows their names. At the very least, he knows OW1's name.

kate0421 posted 3/31/2014 17:44 PM

I think the hardest point about all of this for me is I found out years later..
My WS has never been secretive about passwords or phones or anything. We actually shared a phone for almost 2 years. There is no was WS has been in a LTA . I have been thinking about every possible scenario and the worst I can come up with is if he pays prostitutes for the 20mins 30mins here and there that are unaccounted for completely (and that's his to and from work) And I do have that as one of my polygraph questions. Thing is he canceled on our new MC last minute after going to a MC that made things ALOT worse for us. So I don't plan on even doing a polygraph until he commits and goes to IC and MC. I have been working on emotionally detaching myself from him. Also working on myself.
I just have a HUGE fear that I won't get over this paranoia even if we are not together. I'm afraid of never healing without knowing

kate0421 posted 3/31/2014 17:49 PM

@ confused615 he said the OW1 name was mist... I've never heard that as a name so I asked if it could have been like Misty, his reply was that he doesn't know. From looking all on FB, I have seen people with the name misty go by mist as a nickname. ..but I'm still not sure because I don't know who she is...

SpotlessMind posted 3/31/2014 18:21 PM

I cheated on my husband over ten years ago. It involved kissing rather than sex, but the rest is similar to your husband's story in that I was abusing alcohol and at a party. My husband sometimes gets stuck in cycles of digging similar to yours, and as I've also been stuck in those cycles myself, I know how horrible the feeling is. I cut off all contact with the people I used to go out with, and I honestly did not remember any associated last names. Because of intoxication (and time lapse), many of the party details are hazy.

Maybe if your husband wrote out a timeline with as many party details as he can remember, it would help jar his memory? I obviously can't know whether or not he is hiding things from you, but it does seem like he might be able to recall some first names, especially with OW1. Alcohol really can screw with memory though, and if he was drinking pretty consistently back then, there's really no telling what he remembers and what he doesn't. At the very least, a timeline might help point out any inconsistencies in his story.

In my husband's case---one of the three women he had sex with was a ONS on a work trip with a girl he met on an affair site. He'd chatted with her and exchanged emails for probably a few months at least (I guess she also sent him erotica) before they had sex. I don't know if it's because his long term affair and sex with my friend were just so much more devastating to me, that I just couldn't muster up enough interest to care about this one as much? I don't know her name, haven't seen a photo, know next to nothing about her. But she also lives a good 7 hours away so I don't live in fear of running into her, like you do. I suppose my feelings could very well change if I accompany my husband on an upcoming work trip. I've done plenty of digging in the past...but it was all related to other women he met beyond the three he had sex with. I think uncertainty is the main reason. I'm pretty certain that things happened as he explained them with his ONS, whereas for many months I questioned that he hadn't had sex with these other women.

I'm sorry this is so difficult. Personally, I'm at a point now where I think my own digging is more damaging to ME than striving for acceptance. I would get caught in an obsessive downward spiral that was scary and made me feel out of control. There might well be details my husband forgot to tell me, and if they bother me enough, I ask. But those details aren't going to change the fact that he cheated on me and our family, for a very long time, or the emotional abuse he inflicted while he was cheating. The thing is--it's easier to get to a place of acceptance when you feel like your spouse is being upfront (most of the time, bc in cheating situations it's pretty impossible not to question things sometimes) and trying to help you heal to the best of their ability, and it doesn't sound like your husband is there yet.

SadInNC posted 3/31/2014 18:25 PM

It sound like you will never heal without the info. You need the info or it will be rollercoaster/limbo forever or divorce.


kate0421 posted 3/31/2014 18:54 PM

[Spotlessmind) thanks for sharing with me. I guess I'm just not sure how to "accept" this. If I could flick a switch to have acceptance, believe me I would... I just don't even know how.

[SadinNC] this if my fear. I'm afraid I will have this "paranoia" foever, even if I'm single. .

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