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I cant seem to stop the unrelenting guilt, pain, and sadness

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PRNDL posted 3/31/2014 21:55 PM

My wife of 14 years, married 7, we have an 11 year old son, cheated for a year in 2012. 3 D-days and 6 more months of cheating, horrible verbal abuse and limbo. I moved out 5 months ago. Shes still with him. Divorce in progress. She cycles monthly from wanting me back to hating me.

I miss my wife, my best friend. Before the affair we were two peas in a pod. I miss my family. I miss my routine.

D-day was one year and a month ago.

I fight back tears all day long every day. There is an empty dull aching inside me all the time. I cant smile. I dont find things funny. Nothing makes me happy. All I do is act like a normal person all the time. My eyes are always tearing.

How long does this take? Anything I can do to speed this along?

What do/did you guy do to make the pain let up a bit? I just need a small break from the pain here and there.

I feel like im missing something in me

Any advice?

norabird posted 3/31/2014 22:48 PM


A good IC can help you free yourself of the guilt. You have not failed, it is not your fault; you have poured your love out. Forgive your errors in the past as none of us are perfect.

As for the rest....yes, your DDay was over a year ago, but your limbo has been much more drawn out, and the D process is new to you with all the heartbreak it entails. So, don't blame yourself for not being further out. You have had a lot to contend with.

I have no new suggestions, just the usual: rely on friends and family IRL for support, to vent or to distract yourself, try and find new areas you want to pursue as a hobby or skill, exercise, eat right, take care of yourself, maybe try reading a book such as Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Be kind to yourself.

And maybe, just maybe, stop fighting back the tears when they come. Let yourself cry when you need to. The tears will pass if you let them come, and are part of your body processing this trauma.

FaithFool posted 3/31/2014 22:51 PM

I moved out 5 months ago.

Sorry PRNDL, the first couple of years are pretty weepy and miserable, especially after everything you've been through.

It took me a really long time to get close to feeling normal again.

Please get and read Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It saved me during the darkest days when I would scream in the shower and cry endlessly in the empty house after he left.

It is an amputation, the pain will always be there, but it lessens over time.

Get some exercise, meds if you need them for the panic attacks (I got a prescription for Ativan and took them once in awhile when things really spiralled out of control and I could not stop crying)..

Big hugs. You are in the darkest time now, but there is life after this awfulness.

Onan posted 4/1/2014 03:24 AM

Hey PRNDL, been over 2 years for me and know how you feel. Besides the other great recommendations may I suggest you watch the the comedy "Love is evol" with Christopher Titus.

Just to give you an idea he starts out with:
If you're in here tonight and never contemplated suicide - then you have never been truly in love.
And if you're here tonight and never contemplated murder - then you've never been divorced.

Not everybodies cup of tea but I found he made many relevant points.

crushed47 posted 4/1/2014 07:08 AM

I've been in your shoes and could have written the bulk of your post. What helped me was that I made a list of changes that I wanted to make to me and I stepped through that list religiously. Hitting the gym like a crazy man helped me alot. So did a new hairstyle and some cosmetic dental work. The point is that you need to focus on you - the only person that you can control. You need to let go of your wife. In her eyes, you are the cause of all her unhappiness. Don't allow her to see you in pain and anguish - that only strengthens her. Project a confident, bold new front or as they say "fake it till you make it". You will smile again, you will laugh again, the sun will shine again - it just takes time.

PurpleBlueBella posted 4/1/2014 08:49 AM

Your post makes me so sad. I know exactly how you feel... I just want to give you a hug.

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