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Newest Member: aoife (50534)

User Topic: The stages you go thru when dealing with TT
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These stages are based on my own journey and those of others that I've watched over the years. The sooner that a BS *works through* these stages and reaches the 3rd stage.....the sooner the situation will resolve itself (one way or another).

First Stage.
Love the way you Lie. Eminem/Rihanna

[I didn't even know there was a *Part 2* to this. Just discovered it while searching for the first one. I included it because it kinda fits the tension-building phase]
Love the way you Lie (part 2). Rihanna/Eminem

Second Stage.
Stuttering. Fefe Dobson

Then you eventually end up here.
Done. The Band Perry

I realize that the songs I chose for the first stage are mainly about a physically abusive relationship, but I think that the general *message* is also relevant to emotional abuse. This first stage denotes the denial and unwillingness to let go of the *comfort* of the familiar 'old' life. Also, Eminem denotes a blame-shifter who has the push/pull, love/hate attitude towards Rihanna -- and it is also good to note the one line where he says that 'he apologizes even though he knows it's all lies' (or whatever the actual lyric is).

My mantra for the second stage was: "if you're gonna be *man* enough to do it, then you sure as shit better be prepared to own it and talk about it." At this stage, Patience is leaving the building. It's time for the *dramatics* to stop and to 'strap on a set'.

The last stage is the "Whatthefuckever" stage. If TT continues until the BS reaches this point? The WS is toast.

From my own experience and from all that I've seen IRL (which includes this board), staying stuck in the 1st or 2nd stage doesn't result in the WS waking up one day and becoming truthful. It leads to anger and resentment in both people.

The final stage encompasses the saying that "you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it". The majority of the stories that I've seen that involve large amounts of TT did not turn around until the BS hefty-bagged the WS' shit. However, not all WS' are willing or able to be honest. The sooner that the BS gets *here*, the better for his/her emotional health.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:40 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8787 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 42822
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here are 2 that I find also represent the 3rd stage. Same title, difference songs, both apply.

Take a bow Rihanna

Take a bow Madonna

The second applies to my WH, ever the entertainer, funny guy.
Unfortunately I'm still teetering between 2 & 3. But giving him a couple more MC sessions that should give me a better clue as to where he's at. Not in a hurry, I'm prepared for the outcome.

edited to add song title.

[This message edited by LovelyDaffodils at 1:14 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

BS me 51
WS 44
OW easy NSA he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 13 yrs
Together 22
In house S Limbo

Posts: 79 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
♀ 41701
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, yes! I'm finally at the third stage. Thank God!

Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
♀ 37907
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't listen to "Love the Way You Lie" without breaking down. Partly because of FOO issues and I see similarities in my own marraige.

Rihannah. .. Disturbia...another great one for BS or WS.

Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
Topic Posts: 4

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