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User Topic: Did this happen to you?
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Stop  Posted: 11:47 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do when your spouse doesn't act like you betrayed him? Doesn't call you names or talk about divorce. Doesn't demand answers or gives ultimatums. Has sex with you and talks to you and treats you like he always has? When you cry because you feel like you don't deserve it tells you he forgives you and says that now you have to forgive yourself?

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Husband certainly acted like I betrayed him; he acted shocked, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated, and insulted. He still does from time to time. This shit doesn't magically disappear.

However, he did not call me names. He never once asked for a divorce or even hinted at one (although early on he did question whether or not he was strong enough to reconcile with me). He gave only one ultimatum. He did insist on a fairly detailed timeline (I TT'd almost to the breaking point and it set us back; whether your BH is asking for it or not, I recommend writing it down so you have it.) He told me that he forgave when we were less than 6 months from DDay (maybe less); it was much earlier than I expected. Also, he initiated sex with me the night of DDay. He has held me while I've cried and cried and cried. He has listened to me talk about how shitty and unworthy and sorrowful and remorseful I am. (WTF is that all about? I cheated on him, and I'm the one crying? )

In a way, his behaviour twists the knife I plunged into my own soul; he is acting in pretty much the same loving way he always has. The difference is now I'm working on my own issues and I see his behaviour for what it is, not for what I thought it was.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 325 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is true. It is like a knife. I guess I want to be punished and yet he won't. He isn't even sad and can talk freely about the affair.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also used to think my H wasn't sad about the A.. I wanted a reaction after d-day.. any reaction to show he gave a shit.. but I got nothing.. a total disconnect and refusal to discuss anything to do with the affair. In actual fact we were BOTH scared to talk about it and still are. Even during months of MC where I initiated discussion about the A, he didn't want to talk about it and neither did the MC for some reason.

I am hoping, that in time, we will discuss it, when we're both feeling safe, especially him. Him not talking about it is about HIM and his way of handling emotions/betrayal/rejection etc as I have no doubt he feels these things, just has a different way of dealing with them. All I can do in the meantime is be transparent, loving and show my actions are trustworthy. Hopefully in time he will see me as safe again to let his guard down and be vulnerable so we can connect on a deep level at some point in our M.

As WW's we have to be patient.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jovie
♀ 41956
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long from DDay are you? Has he done anything that indicates he is healing himself?

My BH went through an anger stage and called me names, but we never really talked about divorce much. We made love a few days after DDay.

We've talked about the A and how I was feeling at the time, and he has rationalized (?) or come to some kind of peace where he accepts his part in the pre-A issues and has encouraged me to forgive myself. He comforts me when I get upset about the whole thing.

BUT, if your BH isn't in counseling and is just trying to forget about it, I don't think that is healthy. Can you encourage him to get to an IC to talk about how he's feeling about it all?

I agree with the poster who said to be patient, but delaying the fact that you have to deal with it, is not doing anyone any good.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be a year in june since I told him. He will talk about the affair if I bring it up. If I am sad he tells me I need to forgive myself for what I did and that he has and it is nonimportant to him. He did have a conversation with me that I ger only one second chance. He wasn't angry at my affair partner just doesn't like him and never really did. He gives him the nod when we happen to be a the same place. He doesn't treat me any different and he says he doesn't view me any different.

No marriage counselling, no individual counseling, and I am no longer seeing a shrink or taking meds.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
IntoTheLight
♀ 42957
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 4 weeks from D-Day. I do not feel like DH is showing his anger and sadness. He does get angry and ignores me but not for long. He cries sometimes. He's only talked about divorce once and never calls me names. We are having by far the best sex we've ever had (I'm aware this is hysterical bonding)and he continues to be a loving, wonderful husband. My betrayal was really terrible and I suspect he's still in shock. From what I understand, this is the calm before the very very long storm.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 84 | Registered: Mar 2014
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a while I held my breath. But I have been holding my breath for 10 months! I realize my BH isn't the norm. But surely other WW's have experienced this in their BH.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
Hardestthing
♀ 42712
Member # 42712
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your spouse been through a lot in their life? It sounds like there is a either a very deep understanding of what you did, or denial.

I can see why you would be concerned. Just remember to seek out why you were unfaithful and heal for yourself, not for them, even if they are not angry with you.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Calgary
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that your H is rugsweeping, that he is avoiding all aspects of your infidelity. Why? He is protecting himself against further hurt, the "let's forget about it and get on with our lives" mentality.

But I have been holding my breath for 10 months!

...and you are going to continue until both of you face head on your infidelity.

We both rugswept for 22 years! I descended into alcoholism (sober 1800 days now) and my H began collecting stuff.

We aren't in IC or MC, either. We're almost 5 years post-DDay #2 (#1 was in 1987) and I really wish we had had the benefit of help back then.

Your H is right that you have to learn to accept and forgive yourself; you have to do the hard work of discovering the why's of your A.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whys have been worked out. There really is nothing left for me to do but forgive myself. I'd say my husband is rugsweeping except he has no problem talking about it. He does not drink or hide his phone or spend any questionable amount time away from me. We talk about our feelings and everything. We have more sex. He was depressed for a while before and during my affair and has not been since.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had a very loving and strong home. No infidelity or any problems he ever knew about. His father passed away a few years before I met him and that was hard. They knew he was dying for a year. My husband's mantra is "you don't know how you will react until you react." He told me he always felt that cheating was the end. And then I had my A and confessed it, became an open book and went NC with the other man. I also told the MM's wife everything. My husband made me get tested for stds before we resumed sexual activities. But in that time he kissed me and held my hand. I had crashed before confessing and he was there for me and helped me get back on my feet and reminded me that by throwing everything away I was hurting him and my children.

I probably shouldn't have done online reading because it places doubts and fears in my that there is no evidence of.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
wheredoigo
♀ 42327
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both rugswept for 22 years! I descended into alcoholism (sober 1800 days now) and my H began collecting stuff.

We aren't in IC or MC, either. We're almost 5 years post-DDay #2 (#1 was in 1987) and I really wish we had had the benefit of help back then.

Your H is right that you have to learn to accept and forgive yourself; you have to do the hard work of discovering the why's of your A.

^^^exactly what Looking forward said.

In my first marriage, I was a BS that rugswept. If I would of done the research then to see why I was so "forgiving" no matter how he treated me I would of discovered my abandonment issues that resulted from my childhood.

Even now, I can see the devastation of long term rugsweeping without infidelity that occurred in my own parents relationship. After 40+ years of rugsweeping it has become toxic for them. They are at retirement age with no retirement, a business that won't sell, my dad is going through prostate cancer while the my mom (the rugsweeper) is resentful that he wants to retire from their business that she built for him during her battle with breast cancer because she loved him and wanted to give him his dreams and never spoke up about her own feelings because she was too scared.

Rugsweeping = time-bomb resentment

I'd gently approach him and request that you see a MC together and work together until he feels comfortable enough to face his own work alone. It is hard work now, but it will help you move forward healthy and not revisit your past later. Time is priceless. Do the work now. Face the hard topics now and build the relationship you always want when he's ready. Not facing it now could mean one day you might be too late for do-overs.

What do you do when your spouse doesn't act like you betrayed him? Doesn't call you names or talk about divorce. Doesn't demand answers or gives ultimatums. Has sex with you and talks to you and treats you like he always has? When you cry because you feel like you don't deserve it tells you he forgives you and says that now you have to forgive yourself?

You are asking the right questions to help you and your BS move forward. Doing these things will help him and you find true forgiveness.


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do when your spouse doesn't act like you betrayed him? Doesn't call you names or talk about divorce. Doesn't demand answers or gives ultimatums. Has sex with you and talks to you and treats you like he always has? When you cry because you feel like you don't deserve it tells you he forgives you and says that now you have to forgive yourself?

For a while I held my breath. But I have been holding my breath for 10 months! I realize my BH isn't the norm. But surely other WW's have experienced this in their BH.

We're married to the same guy.

I confessed. He said he forgave me. Asked a couple questions. He laid there and listened, I poured out everything I could think of. He didn't demand whys. He didn't ask for or expect transparency. I volunteered everything. Rarely, if ever did he act upon it. The only thing he ever said was, "This is your last chance." Put the fear of God in me. I got to work.

I waited for the name calling and ranting. Never came. I waited for the rage. Never came. He didn't demand IC or MC. I offered. He rejected. Divorce was never an option with him. Ever. He was never mean to me during intimacy. He continued to sleep with, cuddle, and kiss me.

He never had anything to say about AP. Never asked for pictures. Never asked to see what communication I could recover. Never asked.

Everyone told me he was either A. Rugsweeping or B. Processing his own way. Only time would tell. However, till time told, I had to listen to QS and follow his lead.

He's recently told me he's depressed. To the point he wanted to die. When we broke it all down, it wasn't me so much, but overall rejection and abandonment he's faced his whole life. Yes, I did it to him. But when he would talk, it was all across the board.

So I think in a way, maybe he has rugswept a bit? I dunno. He said he loves me. He loves what we have now. He is crazy proud of who and what I've become. "We" are ok. He's just not. It's partially me, but mostly FOO. *shrug* I'm still confused and not entirely sure whether to call it rugsweeping or not. Doesn't really matter to me. I see a hurting man standing before me and I want to help him either way.

Sorry if that didn't make any sense.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with these suggestions is there is no resentment building or even wall between us. There are no negative changes in our relationship only positive. Sometimes I wonder if I did too much research and work on my own. Like I took away him making demands or anything. He is a very head on confronting sort of guy and confident to the point that most people joke about how he has no self esteem issues. He is handsome, successful but balances it out with being helpful and kind. He is never described as a jerk.

Don't get me wrong. We fight but usually it is my fault. He has been unfair at times and can jump to conclusions and get mad when he misunderstands me. But I can always get him to admit when he is wrong. We have never went to bed with bad feelings between us. Even the day I confessed he slept beside me and was approachable not shut off and cold.

If this is rugsweeping and no bad signs have appeared is it really that bad? And if it is how can I do anything to change that. The MC thing is because of time and I know I really haven't fully pushed because there is a part of me that is afraid it will open pandora's box and also that a WS cannot in any affair related situation "push" the BS.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, thank you for yor reply. My husband was depressed before the A. He discovered he suffers from SAD. This last winter he did much better. He loves me and he wants me but apparently his happiness is self esteem actually do come from within.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with these suggestions is there is no resentment building or even wall between us. There are no negative changes in our relationship only positive.
Same here.

Look, contrary to the "norm", maybe your H is just different. Kwim? Just take his lead. Fix you. Do what you can to help him. If/when things surface, deal with them. That's what I was told a couple years ago. I can't make him process and heal the way I or anyone else on SI thinks he should. He is his own individual. Just watch. And be there if/when it changes.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I can total relate to what is being said. It would appear that my H is also rugsweeping but I'm not sure.. maybe he really has processed it in his own way and has genuinely forgiven me and dealt with the emotions a betrayed person goes through?

Rugsweeping suggests that he has filed it away in his mind as it's too difficult/scary to face, but as his wife I think I'd see splashes of resentment or hurt due to this.. fact is I don't.. He's very put together and very solid in his manner. He's kind and thoughtful and has been communicating more (or trying at least). He's loving towards me and has his self-esteem in tact (at least from what I can see).

Perhaps, we as wayward women/wives find it difficult to understand why there's no name calling or pronounced hurt actions, as I know, If the situation were reversed I wouldn't be as understanding as he? Who knows.. sometimes I think I try to look for something deeper as I'm so analytical, which there may well be.. or it may just be as simple as he's forgiven his wife for fucking up and trusts she won't do it again and has seen the positive changes she's making? I've also had him say this is my last chance.

I don't know if this applies to anyone.. but for me, initially at least.. his lack of reaction was bound up in his lack of "care" for me. To me, his rugsweeping signified and only magnified his lack of concern for me and our marriage. I have since re framed this whole way of thinking and not been so shallow with my thoughts.. it's way more complicated than that. It's him and his foo issues and his way of dealing with things. I know he loves me as he shows it.

There has been a steep correlation between my healing and the way I perceive his care for me. His behaviour and actions have not changed.. but as I work on myself and become a better person, I rely less on his reaction to validate me. It is what it is. It's his to own, while my becoming healthy is mine to own.

I also apologise if this was not clear. It's a hard thing to describe for me.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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