((LovelyDaffodils)) It really started with his cell phone records. Since I pay the bills and handle all our business, once I started to get that feeling in my gut I was checking them. At first my blind trust told me it was some guy friend, but then there was a number that was being texted to/called excessively, and at late/early morning hours. Couldn't figure out who it was at first, and WH changed his phone passcode. Finally I did some work on Google and found a name matched with the number, then found her on his Facebook and Instagram. But no proof of an affair, so I had to wait until I found out his phone passcode to check his texts (there were only a few he had not deleted already, but enough to provide proof)... hence DDay #1.
Looking back on his phone records after that, there were a few numbers he was calling at 1-3am etc., so I spend days upon days going over every single number to get names. Some were still contacts in his phone. A few of those I also found were his 'friends' on Facebook. The ones I couldn't find out I used google, you can also search Facebook with phone numbers, if the person has a number in their account. Also, privacystar.com/reverse-lookup is a great tool and sometimes will give you the phone owner's name.
Soon after Dday1 I told him I knew there were other women too, but he avoided talking about it saying nothing had rose to the extent of this OW. And he pretty much deleted all messages on all platforms, so I had no solid proof of anything with anyone else, besides a few cryptic emails (which he has also since deleted). I knew my only option was to contact them, but even then, would they tell me the truth? Plus, after DDay1 where I called the OW from his phone and had an extensive conversation with her (and WH in front of me), I wasn't sure I needed or wanted to go through that trauma once again. After all, I knew there were others, what would be the worst thing to hear that I did not already suspect?
But - at a certain point (really it was after he told MC that there was only this 'one' OW) I needed to know. Especially because I wanted to know if he was still lying! (Yes)
The dumb girl I spoke, who was also all over his cell phone records, of I contacted via messaging on FB. (He had actually already blocked her, and 5 other girls, so that was a clue!). I told her that I see she's friends with my H and we should be friends too. She said she wasn't, and I told her I knew, that he told me. I sort of pretended to be nice, and just asked questions in a way that gave me the answers I was looking for (which was did they sleep together). Really, I don't know what it's given me at this point, besides confirmation that my WH is still lying to me (maybe trying to rugsweep, or protect me, whatever what does it matter). The point is, when I was going through a rough time emotionally, severely stressed out, and in another town looking for a job and a place for us to live, he was out getting drunk, hitting on and sleeping with multiple women. The question for me (which I am trying to decide) is, is this how he is as a person and has always been, and hence will continue to be? Or was this more of an isolated situation where our marriage was breaking down? (Still no excuse to have affairs!)
Anyway, the right thing to say to the OW - guess thats hard to say, because it depends on what info you want, and what kind of person they are/where they stand. The initial OW seemed very apologetic and told me the story pretty straight up. But even though she was severely lied to (he said we were separated and divorcing) she would take him back in an instant, so I would never trust her or speak with her ever again. OW2, she was a straight up booty call, and she figured it out at a certain point, and I think had more respect in herself that OW1 (he also told her we were divorcing). Stupid WH wouldn't have the first clue how to file for S or D, let alone handle his business affairs or make it on his own, really. He a manchild that I've been taking care of for 10 years. I think if I did leave him he would just find one of these other women to move in with and take care of like I do. And since he's a musician there is a tons of groupie types that will jump at it...