I've been given info that I already suspected. But the worst part is, in the last MC session I mentioned that I knew there was more that one woman, and I wanted everything out in the open on the table, and at a certain point my WH said to the counselor that the AP (i knew about) was the only woman he had sex with since we've been together. I now have confirmation from 2 other women that he slept with. What to f'ing do????
In your case, I understand why you have contacted them--it's because you knew you only had the partial truth. And I think it's important you know that he has hid more from you.
But if he can't tell you the whole truth...is he worth trying with? At the very least institute the 180, and see a lawyer. Trust and honesty are the bedrocks of R (I think they are motivated by remorse) and you don't have them.
I wouldnt trust the ow to tell me the truth. They would no doubt not even talk with me. Your absolutely sure you got the truth?
As a backdrop I have to say that during this time we were having issues with each other and the marriage, and I wasn't being nice to him at all, nor were we intimate for some time. I have said before I accept my half and how I contributed to the marriage break down. (Of course that does not excuse him stepping out, pursuing other women, etc.)
When we had dday and I did figure out he was contacting other OW(plural) besides the main OW, I sort of made a conscious decision (like you) that it was now in the past and if I was going to R with him then I would have to move forward with that knowledge regardless of details. I guess I just found it irritating that he would deny any OW(plural) besides the one when I was asking him to be honest. I think he is scared if I knew the totality of his misdeeds I would leave him, or he is scared to reveal his 'true self'... ??
norabird- I'm not sure if he's worth trying/fighting for! Honestly I go back and forth. I agreed to R, and I have seen many positive changes in him, coupled with setbacks like lies here and there. I told myself I would give it a year to see what kind of person he really, truly is.
If he is telling you it was one woman, and you now know it was at least 3, then this is not just a detail. This is necessary information he has purposely withheld from you. He is still lying. As long as he is lying, regardless of the reason, he is not R material.
I contacted AP the day after dday. It was one of the best things I did. I got the truth. FWH had lied to me..and only told me the truth once he realized I had contacted AP. AP told me things FWH never would have told me.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm really stuck at the fact that he told our MC that he only had sex with one other woman. When he said that I said right away that I don't believe him. I also mentioned how on dday he told me (and OW1) that he's a compulsive liar. I think this is the truth! So - what to do with a person like that??
It's a biggie, I know. One that I don't want to bring up (to my WH) until our next counseling session with the therapist. I want a third party to hear and witness his reaction/response. I don't know what that's going to bring me, perhaps some sort of clarity?
OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back
Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w
I will tell you, it took my wh over 2 yrs. to acknowledge ow #1. Once that occurred, all holds were off, the dam broke and it was easier for him to be honest.
i know why he did it, why it took him so long. He was ashamed of who he was, what he had done. My reaction to this new revelation was extreme grief. I did the best i could to be calm, in order for him to be honest, but a new dday is a new dday and it hurts.
Good Luck, hugs
Alleyk how did you know of these OW and were sure they were involved? Did he tell you? How does that conversation with OW go? What is the right thing to say that will get the closest to the truth answers.
I have no desire to talk to these OW, but I need answers. He is not giving names. He has promised to give full disclosure when he knows he can do it all at once so this will be our last DDay. I just want something that tells me I'm getting all the truth when he does disclose.
Looking back on his phone records after that, there were a few numbers he was calling at 1-3am etc., so I spend days upon days going over every single number to get names. Some were still contacts in his phone. A few of those I also found were his 'friends' on Facebook. The ones I couldn't find out I used google, you can also search Facebook with phone numbers, if the person has a number in their account. Also, privacystar.com/reverse-lookup is a great tool and sometimes will give you the phone owner's name.
Soon after Dday1 I told him I knew there were other women too, but he avoided talking about it saying nothing had rose to the extent of this OW. And he pretty much deleted all messages on all platforms, so I had no solid proof of anything with anyone else, besides a few cryptic emails (which he has also since deleted). I knew my only option was to contact them, but even then, would they tell me the truth? Plus, after DDay1 where I called the OW from his phone and had an extensive conversation with her (and WH in front of me), I wasn't sure I needed or wanted to go through that trauma once again. After all, I knew there were others, what would be the worst thing to hear that I did not already suspect?
But - at a certain point (really it was after he told MC that there was only this 'one' OW) I needed to know. Especially because I wanted to know if he was still lying! (Yes)
The dumb girl I spoke, who was also all over his cell phone records, of I contacted via messaging on FB. (He had actually already blocked her, and 5 other girls, so that was a clue!). I told her that I see she's friends with my H and we should be friends too. She said she wasn't, and I told her I knew, that he told me. I sort of pretended to be nice, and just asked questions in a way that gave me the answers I was looking for (which was did they sleep together). Really, I don't know what it's given me at this point, besides confirmation that my WH is still lying to me (maybe trying to rugsweep, or protect me, whatever what does it matter). The point is, when I was going through a rough time emotionally, severely stressed out, and in another town looking for a job and a place for us to live, he was out getting drunk, hitting on and sleeping with multiple women. The question for me (which I am trying to decide) is, is this how he is as a person and has always been, and hence will continue to be? Or was this more of an isolated situation where our marriage was breaking down? (Still no excuse to have affairs!)
Anyway, the right thing to say to the OW - guess thats hard to say, because it depends on what info you want, and what kind of person they are/where they stand. The initial OW seemed very apologetic and told me the story pretty straight up. But even though she was severely lied to (he said we were separated and divorcing) she would take him back in an instant, so I would never trust her or speak with her ever again. OW2, she was a straight up booty call, and she figured it out at a certain point, and I think had more respect in herself that OW1 (he also told her we were divorcing). Stupid WH wouldn't have the first clue how to file for S or D, let alone handle his business affairs or make it on his own, really. He a manchild that I've been taking care of for 10 years. I think if I did leave him he would just find one of these other women to move in with and take care of like I do. And since he's a musician there is a tons of groupie types that will jump at it...
I'm tempted to send a text, but not sure she would be truthful. The A lasted 8 months. He said he told her he was single, gave her a false name. So when her gut told him he was married, she ended the PA. But, she still would contact him now and then over nothing.... So even if she felt it was wrong, she didn't completely go NC. My gut doesn't believe how they met-he swears not a hook up site, but a casual friend from work knew her. But also knew he was married, so wtf?!! I just want to know if that is it, and if the number of times he says they met is true. Or if she isn't even the one in the pictures I found -just body parts-
I really think he is "behaving" now, but until I get full truth about the last 5 years, I'm in limbo...
So alleyk, you have your proof that he is still lying. I would take the info to the MC, see how he talks his way out of it. And as far as the marriage breakdown do to stress-There are 2,ok, 3 choices he had. 1. Help you deal with the stress, be caring, supportive. 2. Let you know he wanted to D, or 3 cheat... So, right, no excuse..
I think they have to do some work to show whether they really still are that person or not. But first HONESTY! GOOD LUCK