Long story short, the interaction was a decent one. Chuckles all around. But I was moving myself to the door quickly because I didn't want to feel like it was the old normal. I didn't want to feel good about my STBX. I wasn't angry with her this morning, and I didn't feel a particular desire for the old connection....but it wasn't quite indifference yet.
Maybe the question should be, which is harder, anger or indifference. Anger is all consuming and it affects you. So it is hard on you to stay angry. But getting to indifference, the type where you can have a human interaction with the STBX, and then blow it off so you can move on with your life, is also hard to achieve.
Just some musings from this morning. I'm looking forward to the marital home being on the market. Soon. Very soon....hopefully by then the swamp that is my basement will have dried up.
Indifference is tougher to get to. But it's worth it.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Getting to indifference means that all emotions are gone. There is no love and there is no hate. It's basically like dealing with a clerk at the store or a coworker that you see or speak to only a few times a year. It's like a flat line. That's what we all strive for and that's what we all yearn for when they are around us. If you just didn't care enough to be angry, life would be much easier.
Indifference though? You get all that energy back, because when it comes to your ex, you just don't even care enough to give a fuck. It takes no effort, no thought, no focus, no energy, no time - once you get there, indifference is essentially freedom from ever wasting another moment on them again.
Mind you, I had to get so angry--'good thing I don't have a baseball bat' angry--before something snapped and I hit indifference. Since then, it's been pretty peaceful. Once in a while he gets me going, but there's usually an external stress factor involved, like being sick.
NC is your friend. I hope you get there soon.
It may be easier to get angry, but once you reach indifference, you rarely get angry at that person. It's more like a 'shake my head; what an idiot' reaction.
STBX WH#2 (SorryInSac) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Together 7, married 4yrs
He's drunk by 5pm DAILY.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
It's not a question of easier or harder. It's a question of what's necessary & healthy right now. If you're angry now, don't feel bad about it. Learn from it. Trust that when it no longer is beneficial for you, you'll know it and can then safely move past it.
[This message edited by kg201 at 12:25 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]
But what is the difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger?
I am also interested in words of wisdom to this question since TODAY I would dearly love to see f'tard in my world be attacked by a pack of rabid dogs which does not seem very healthy but on the other hand playing this kind of mind movie on some level, provides a healthy perspective in realizing that I never needed someone in my life who can cause me to be able to see this movie so damn clearly in my head and not feel guilty about it...
It would be lovely to just swing right into indifference, but we're the loving, loyal spouses. It's not as easy for us.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Getting on with your life and not caring about this person is much, much better for you. When and how you get there is personal.
Lately I feel pretty indifferent to "him"...don't care one way or the other how his life is going or will end up...as another poster put it at one point something to the effect of feeling grateful to him in a sense for doing what he did otherwise I may not have found the courage to "free" myself from what I recognize now as an abusive/toxic/dysfunctional relationship.
On the level of anger, it isn't at him as much as it is in terms of doing what is best in the long run for me ultimately gives him some control in my life that I would rather he not have and I am so angry that I cannot just be completely free of him RIGHT NOW, today...when he exercises that control the anger at not being able to be LEGALLY free from him (and not just with D since I am tied to him on another legal matter for the next 3 1/2 years which he uses to screw with me)manifests itself in unhealthy imaginations such as rabid dogs inflicting external wounds equal to the internal wounds my association with him has left on my soul. Maybe then he would actually develop some empathy and just STOP...his whack job OW and her stalker friends too!!!
I am tying (as we all are) to heal...I feel like without my fantasies (maybe that's better than mind movies) I am going to snap one of these days and end up as some news story...not because he left, not because he is with her, not even because of the terrible ways that he hurt me...because he just wont leave me in peace...
So the question is, what supports, interventions (legal or otherwise) are possible to minimize or remove their abuse, thus providing the possibility of reducing anger?
I'm in angry mode right now and I am angry at the Ex for his failure to comply with the divorce terms he agreed to.
Hm. no... I'm not angry I'm FURIOUS. We've been divorced nearly five years and he still hasn't gotten his act together.
One day I realized I wanted the anger to end. That is when I went into therapy.
Now, 3 years later…he can come to my house and have dinner with us. We can sit and discuss our kids, but there is little other emotion at all. Indifference. I find it wonderfully easy. Once he leaves, he is out of my head. Kinda like an annoying relative that you have to like because of family ties. Not someone I would CHOOSE to be around. I am pleasant and neutral…and I no longer have to TRY to be neutral.
I just am. I let go.
So I really liked my angry stage. I felt alive, and hopeful. Not this pathetic little person crying all the time for a POS that doesn't deserve me or my love.
I like the indifference of not caring who is with or what he's doing? That's huge for me.
But, I want sooooo bad to get to indifference when I see him in person.
The difference between Love and Hate is indifference.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~
I am lucky in that we don't have kids or any ties, so I was able to go true NC and heal quite rapidly.
I just don't care at all about him. He's a non-entity in my life.
People ask if he's still with MOW, or what's going on in his life, and it's great to honestly be able to say that I have no idea and don't care.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny