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When does the "remorse" stop being temporary

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Sleepy312 posted 4/1/2014 09:32 AM

I know that's not a good way to phrase it but I was limited by the title.

So, when does a WS's actions turn into remorse rather than the actions of a severely selfish/narcissistic person who just figured out how checked out and done their BS is and they are trying to reel them back in which is the cycle of the marriage?

I'm not even sure if he's remorseful or just regretful.

I apologize now for numerous posts trying to figure this out.

tushnurse posted 4/1/2014 09:47 AM

The change from Regret to Remorse is very visible, and meaningful in most situtations the problem is as the BS it's really hard to know the difference until you see it.

I thought my H was remorseful from Dday on. Until he broke NC multiple times, and kept ripping the scab off by doing so. The day I handed him my rings and told him to get out it all changed. It went from being frustrated and angry anytime I was tearful, or questioned his current behavior to, no longer being angry or frustrated, it went from protecting himself to helping me. It went from Don't tell anyone, and if You do I will walk, to I don't care who you tell if it helps you to heal. It went from I'm getting over this, so you better too, to I can't understand how bad this must hurt, but I will do anything and everything I can to help you.

A day after he had the realization and really came out of the fog, and committed to real healing he said something to me that he has really stuck to. He said "It is my job to make sure that you smile and laugh everyday, to do my best to make you and our kids happy."
Although my happiness does not depend on him and his actions he does make me smile and laugh everyday.

norabird posted 4/1/2014 10:54 AM

I think someone really narcissistic cannot feel true remorse. And what we see from that type of personality that approaches remorse can't persist. Even if part of them is truly remorseful...the other part, the entitled and selfish part, sabotages it.

But that is coming from someone who saw periodic glimpses of remorse in what turned out to be false R with an ultimately unrepentant and cruel wayward. I think he was trying to be someone better, someone deserving...but it just was not possible for him to actually be that person.

Leia posted 4/1/2014 11:01 AM

I just wrote on another thread that my STBXWH tries to fill those empty spaces with stuff. I agree with norabird, that I don't think he'll ever feel remorse like those of us BS's would if we made such a profound mistake. To feel remorse, one would have to admit that they made a mistake. Just what I've been observing through this whole ordeal. Hope it helps.

Sleepy312 posted 4/1/2014 11:04 AM

I think someone really narcissistic cannot feel true remorse. And what we see from that type of personality that approaches remorse can't persist. Even if part of them is truly remorseful...the other part, the entitled and selfish part, sabotages it.

I guess this is why I ask(at least partly). He is such a selfish person, and in hindsight he always has been but veiled nicely. Now, he has me stuck in his hometown and in just a few short months it's clear that his mother is a selfish asshole and he is just like her.

I just don't think he is truly capable of change or remorse because I don't think he truly thinks he was wrong. He has justified everything he's done, and the only reason now that he is changing his words and trying to change his actions is because he is feeling the loss of his control over me. He has fully realized that I am willing and working on leaving. He is running scared trying to pull me back in.

He thinks it will work becaue it always has but things have never been this bad, and I told him the other day that I just don't like him as a person, and I think that got to him. He has lost complete control of me, and that is the only thing that scares him.

Many reasons I don't think he can change for good because he never has. Despite trying his hardest to be this "perfect giving husband" even yesterday I asked him to do three things because I have been insanely sick for three days.

All he had to do was take one kid to an activity and leave a check there. Then, all he had to do was drop a check ACROSS the street for other child's activity then get a bag of ice on the way home.

He droppped our child off and picked her up and still couldn't manage to remember the checks. I can't depend on him to take care of anything much less me. He always comes first. He's just like his mother.

Maybe I've answered my own question and I just need yet another pair of big girl pants to put on and get the hell out of here. It's just so hard.

selfrespect911 posted 4/1/2014 11:11 AM

tushnurse, how long did it take from D-Day til you saw true remorse?

My WH is only sorry he got caught and using this Regret to SAY he's remorseful, but actions are louder. Haha.

sparklezombie posted 4/1/2014 14:23 PM

If you have to ask if it's remorse, then it isn't. I think true remorse is noticeable and prevalent. And I think it's either there or it's not coming easily. so you have to decide it you want to stay hoping it comes, even though it may not.

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