SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I can't get this off my mind

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

million tears posted 4/1/2014 09:36 AM

Would have WH broke it off with the whore if I hadn't caught him? He went NC immediately but if that hadn't happened, the thought of losing what he had, would he still be having "fun" with her? It just nags at me after all this time.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 4/1/2014 09:41 AM

No he wouldn't have broken it off if he hadn't got caught.

That's what infuriates me about cheaters. As soon as they get caught they are crying, remorseful, promising to stop. When just moments before getting caught, they had no intentions or plans to quit, and were continuing on with no regard or concern for their partner's feelings

brokendancer7 posted 4/1/2014 09:42 AM

This still bothers me, too. H can't understand why I don't believe that the three As I know about are the only ones. It's hard, when I only know about them because I discovered them, and insisted on NC. There could be more that I never found out about.

(Edited for clarity)

[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 9:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

SoVeryTired5 posted 4/1/2014 09:48 AM

I have a very difficult time with this as well. My WH avoids conflict above all else. He is working now to improve that, but that is the main reason that I believe he never would have ended the A. He would have been too afraid to end it, even if he had wanted to end it. He would have been scared that the MOW would have outed the A to me out of anger over ending it. *She* could have been the one to end it. He would never have been the one. And. That. Kills. Me.

million tears posted 4/1/2014 09:51 AM

My WH says he tried to end things several times because she was such a bitch to him at times and then she would call or text as if nothing happened. I believe the part about her being a bitch and then playing nice because she was my friend but who knows if he tried to end things.

heforgotme posted 4/1/2014 09:56 AM

FWH says he probably wouldn't have stopped. AP made all the arrangements and even paid for everything, so it was just too easy. He said even before I found out it was losing its allure, but the easy thing kept it going. He was very lazy back then.

ETA: He also said however, that it never would have progressed to anything else either. If she ever would have pushed for any sort of real relationship, he would have been out of there. So, although he didn't have a plan to stop he also knew that he did not want any sort of "future" with that person

[This message edited by heforgotme at 9:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

TheBestMe posted 4/1/2014 09:59 AM

I have a very difficult time with this as well. My WH avoids conflict above all else. He is working now to improve that, but that is the main reason that I believe he never would have ended the A. He would have been too afraid to end it, even if he had wanted to end it. He would have been scared that the OW would have outed the A to me out of anger over ending it. *She* could have been the one to end it. He would never have been the one. And. That. Kills. Me.

@Soverytired....Please stop reading my mind. This is exactly my situation. My H would have been happy if his AP would have found another man and ended it and I would have never been confronted. In his delusional state, he felt that even if I suspected it and had proof of the A, it was not real until I was contacted.

Tred posted 4/1/2014 10:00 AM

When just moments before getting caught, they had no intentions or plans to quit

That was my experience. It's a different beast catching them vs. them ending it in my opinion - both are horrible, just brings out a million different questions. One of them will always be if I didn't catch my spouse, would they still be cheating on me? Sadly for me the answer is probably yes.

rachelc posted 4/1/2014 10:07 AM

I caught two. I was given the "you needed to give me a chance to end it on my own." Not sure how or when it would have ended, if at all, had I not caught on. That or, he wanted to get caught.

obliquestrat posted 4/1/2014 10:07 AM

Yyyyep. "What if" may always kill me.

NoMorDeceit posted 4/1/2014 10:32 AM

I will say the "what ifs" still catch me sometimes.I try to bring myself back into the present and say "OK, but that didn't happen". For me, the problem isn't whether it would have continued (he had several affairs), it is whether he would have fallen hard enough to leave me for his LTA. His LTA that started before we were married still causes "What ifs". I think it comes from a loss of power and control, he took the choice away from me. I didn't realize he was trying out other options. He says it wasn't about that and he was -never- going to leave me for her, but shit happens and that little "what if" can still pop up and nag the crap out of me. His LTA ended before I found out, but it still could have turned out differently.

I'm 5 days out from 5 years so I'm really thinking about it right now. Most of the time I never think about it. I think it must have something to do with 5 years. Last year I didn't even remember until weeks after the d-day anniversary.

kiki1 posted 4/1/2014 11:17 AM

Mine wouldnt have broken it off, he'd still be screwing around. He did try to leave me for ap#1, but she dumped him, so he moved on to ap#2. This is the one he was caught with. IDK, four years out and i'm starting to think i may be wasting my time again. Things are just too different and thoughts like this still torment me at times. How much value is there in someone who does this to me? Sorry for the vent, just the way i'm beginning to feel.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/1/2014 14:13 PM

I think cheaters are probably some of the most selfish people on the planet. It takes an incredibly selfish person - putting their needs in front of every else's - to carry on an affair.

That having been said, I believe most cheaters would have merrily continued along in their affairs had they not been caught. In the absence of a D-Day, I also believe most cheaters would only end their affairs if they no longer felt that the "bang" was worth their buck. In other words, they might end it voluntarily if it got to the point where the reward no longer outweighed the risk for them.

Never forget - it's all about the cheater and what THEY stand to lose or gain. Until they're reigned in by a D-Day, they pretty much let their selfish natures call the shots.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.