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Birds and the Bees for a 5 year old.

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Heartbroken1993 posted 4/1/2014 10:16 AM

Okay so it seems the time has come for some sort of talk about sex. Lil HB has been asking how the babies get into the tummy's. I know to use proper names for parts and stuff, but how detailed do I need to get for a 5 year old. I bought some time and said that I need to talk to Daddy about how to tell her because it's a lot of adult stuff. She was ok Mommy but you know you can tell me anything (repeating what I tell her all the time). Since she is 5 going on 30, she is requesting updates on my progress with talking to daddy. I swear she is going to be a CEO one day!!!
So how much is too much? Any book recommendations would be great too.

Thanks Gang

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/1/2014 12:07 PM

I don't think my kids ever asked how the baby got IN. They asked how the baby got out - which was an easy answer "The Dr helps the baby out"

You could say something like "When a mommy & daddy are married (cause that' what I'd want my 5yo to believe - that you don't do this until you're married) - They get really close when they are in bed and their private parts touch. Then sometimes, that makes a baby.

It's the truth without being too graphic. If you are religious, I do know some families that use the "God puts the baby there" idea.

When my dd was a bit older (3rd grade) the neighbor girl told her that in order to make a baby the mom & dad had to get naked together - she asked me if that was true. When I said yes, she had this look of HORROR and said "Well *I* am never having babies then! That's disgusting!"

She's 22 now...I think she's over the disgusting ideal.

simplydevastated posted 4/1/2014 12:15 PM

Wow! I never even thought about having this discussion with a 5 yr old. I have my kids believing that kissing is "eeeeewwww, gross."

My son did ask (I don't remember the age) about babies because he remembered being the delivery room for a little bit while I was delivering my daughter. At that time I went with the God line. It worked. No questions since. He's getting to that age where the girls have the talk about their cycles. I've been debating about having that talk with him.

I also didn't want to have the talk too soon because it is such a big adult topic and I didn't want them to go back to school and tell their friends and have it get back to their parents because I know every family is different and discusses things at different times.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 12:16 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Heartbroken1993 posted 4/1/2014 12:17 PM

Yea we had the coming out talk which was easy because I had c-sections I told her that I had to have operation and the dr. had to make a small cut and bought you out. So I was able to dodge that part for now. She's into the whole getting married thing and I know that explaining the whole baby thing will involve being married and in love. She has a little brother so she knows boys and girls are different. I am just at loss on how to put it to a 5 year old and what is enough to tell and least amount of graffic.

tushnurse posted 4/1/2014 12:19 PM

Personally I pulled out my A&P book from nursing school and told them. Then I told them again when they were a bit older, and then again we went through it all when each kid had the girls go in one room boys in another to watch movies about puberty thing.

I too have told them from the get go, that making babies when you aren't married is possible but very hard to do, not the making them , but raising them. So they should only do it when they are married.

My son is 17 and in love and yes sexually active. I have beat him about the head shoulders repeatedly with the information regarding STD's and the need for a use of a condom NO MATTER WHAT THE GIRL SAYS. I have also been extremely up front with getting pregnant is very easy. I can truthfully tell them I had unprotected sex exactly 3 times in my life, and I have 2 kids to show for it.

That is an eye opener, and quite frankly scared the shiznit out of my son. So he is good about wearing his raincoat.

Heartbroken1993 posted 4/1/2014 12:21 PM

That is what I'm concerned about too about going to school and spreading it around. She is full time pre k in a Catholic school. I don't want to be responsible for other kids getting information. And she would tell them too because she is one of the "leaders of the pact".

Ascendant posted 4/1/2014 12:23 PM

I'm curious as son is 7, but hasn't really asked yet. He's beaten around the bush, though.

Pentup posted 4/1/2014 13:32 PM

I don't have children so take this with a grain of salt. I think putting it off is making her more curious. I would tell her that is a grown up question and when she is 16 (or married or fill in any age really) you will discuss it. But for now, "God gives us babies. Go play. "

But I am old and in the camp that kids are not mini adults and don't need to know everything.

JanaGreen posted 4/1/2014 13:58 PM

I'm jealous. My daughter started asking how the baby got IN when she was three.

jrc1963 posted 4/1/2014 14:24 PM

There's a cute book called: Where Did I Come From that might help.

It helps to explain it but it's not too terribly graphic.

I read it when I was a pre-teen and saved it. My son found it when he was around 6 or 7 and being precocious read the whole thing before I even knew he'd found it.

We talked and he took it all in stride.

Check it out.

ETA: Oops... had the title wrong

ETA: Here's a link to it...

[This message edited by jrc1963 at 2:26 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 4/1/2014 14:29 PM

I should probably amend my previous statement by saying we are an extremely open family, and the kids saw us naked on a regular basis, and we always told them there are 2 sets of parts you get one or the other.

I never felt there was any shame in teaching them what is knowledge in the real world. I did tell them as well that it's nothing they should tell other kids, that it's up to their parents to teach them that.

peacelovetea posted 4/1/2014 16:04 PM

I had that conversation with my oldest at 5, though like others it was not a one-time-and-done conversation. I went with the "answer only the question they are asking" strategy, but he kept asking questions, and finally got to "and how long does the man have to put his penis in the woman's vagina?" I said "as long as it takes" and he was (thankfully) satisfied with that and went off to play.

I think we adults have lots of weirdness about it, but I wouldn't hesitate to describe the heart pumping blood and this is the same kind of thing to them. I think it was actually great to have that talk first so young, as it was before any grossness occurred to him, it was just fact. The thing is, its only weird to them BECAUSE WE MAKE IT WEIRD. Otherwise it just IS, which is I think a pretty healthy way to approach it.

Since then, we've had more conversations about the really hard stuff, like dating and relationships. The mechanics, even the birth control, that's facts and much easier to talk about.

My younger two I went with the book route (after 1st asked so many questions I got a few books for him to read and so they were just in the bookcase to pull out for the younger ones) and that has led to conversations. I like being the one that gave them the information -- even if they are passing it around on the playground, at least I know its accurate! -- and we did talk about how parents prefer to talk about this subject with their kids themselves to try to avoid it. And as we approach the teen years I am glad they know I am ok with talking about it.

trying_2_recover posted 4/1/2014 16:37 PM

I'm a grandma so old, lol but I don't think a 5 year old is really asking about the details of it all. My daughters and I talk openly and always have but at 5 penis in vagina is a bit more information than is likely required. Something simple will usually satisfy the question. Daddy has a sperm and mommy has an egg and mommy and daddy decide they want a baby and they mix the two together in the special place mommy has for growing babies is probably all a 5 year really wants to know, IMO.

Cally60 posted 4/1/2014 17:16 PM

I never felt there was any shame in teaching them what is knowledge in the real world. I did tell them as well that it's nothing they should tell other kids, that it's up to their parents to teach them that.

Like Tushnurse, I told my children the whole truth from the outset. It's not really that difficult to explain it in age-appropriate language. And it is most definitely a LOT easier to explain it at this age, when the entire world is full of amazing things, rather than when they are approaching puberty, get hot under the collar over anything related to the body, have heard lots of half-truths and innuendo already and will be horrified at the thought of their own parents getting up to any such shenanigans!

One thing that I remember saying was that the sperm had a race, because only the first one to get to the egg got to make the baby. This was the part that both my children found the most interesting and mentioned again. After I mentioned this elsewhere, someone told me about a film where exactly this is the opening sequence, complete with sperm "voices"! Alas, I can't recall the title now, but it was fairly main-stream and an entertaining scene.

I feel very strongly about this issue. Knowledge is power - and safety. If you put off telling your children about such things, I can assure you that they will find out about it from other sources and what they hear may well be inaccurate or have a "dirty raincoat" slant . It's far better for them to learn the truth early and from you. I had almost no sex education at home. So I ended up with a lot of anxiety and misinformation. I determined that I would be very open and honest about sexual matters with my own children and would give them the correct information matter-of-factly as soon as they could understand it. It worked very well for our family.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 11:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Heartbroken1993 posted 4/1/2014 19:04 PM

Thank you for the replies everyone! I don't intend to put this off. I just want to get this right. I really like how trying_2_recover put it and I am going to take the lead from that. I need to check out the link for the book because I also like the fact of having the book around for everyone to read. I do considered us an open family and I certainly want to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Daddy and I just weren't ready for this with her still being 5. I thought I'd have 2 more years.

lost_in_toronto posted 4/1/2014 19:34 PM

That's a great book and it's how my parents taught me about sex when I was five or six. I remember a companion book as well, called 'What's Happening to Me?' that was a great book about puberty. I will make sure I have both on hand here for my daughter.

Embers2Fire posted 4/2/2014 02:27 AM

There is an old movie with John Travolta and Christy Ally called Look Who's Talking. Watch it first then watch it with your daughter. This is what I used with my kids.

cmego posted 4/2/2014 07:35 AM

I started with the very basics, "The Daddy puts a special seed in the Mommy and a baby grows in her tummy".

It has progressed over the years. My dd is now 10.5 and in 4th grade they had the first sex talk, and another one this year in 5th grade.

I gave her the honest truth as a 10 year old, complete with the first STD talk and how emotions are also involved. I was matter of fact and used age appropriate terms then talked to her again after the "school talk". I want my kids open and comfortable about sex. I've also told her it is a natural part of a healthy relationship, but it is very complicated emotionally. She asked when to start having sex, and I replied, "Some people say wait until you are married, but I don't think that is realistic. It is when you really fall in love with someone and are emotionally ready to either accidentally deal with being a Mommy or having an STD. When you are ready to deal with those possibilities, then we will talk even more about it."

I've introduced all the ramifications of sex. Good and bad. Physical, emotional, STD's, pregnancy, how healthy and normal it is too.

My parents handed me a pamphlet.

I use terms like (for my almost 11 year old…)
"The boy's penis gets hard and it goes into the girls vagina. His sperm travels up to find the egg and then sometimes a baby is made."

Williesmom posted 4/2/2014 10:13 AM

My mom said "abstinence is the best birth control". oy

A friends daughter confronted her with "You've had sex with dad TWICE! ewwww". So that's all my friend will admit to: twice.

TheRealDeal posted 4/2/2014 12:39 PM

I don't have children so I unfortunately don't have any advice to add. But I am going to suggest the above-mentioned books to my older sister for my 9yo niece and 7yo nephew because they are asking questions.

Up until now she is taking our mother's approach which was to say absolutely nothing...not one word, not one book, not anything. I didn't know anything about birds/bees/menstrual cycle. It was as if mom ignored it, it wouldn't ever happen. Even when it did happen she still ignored it and would not talk about it. Guess who else wouldn't talk, yep, my older sister. I had no clue what was going on and made to feel like a freak. So I did the best I could and shared it all with my younger sister so she wouldn't be left in the dark or experience the "complete silence" on the subject.

Glad to see there are so many people who have a proactive, healthy approach to the subject.

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