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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: conflicted
♀ 38606
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOT for the reasons you may think. I'm not conflicted on whether or not I should stay. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T, AND I'M NOT. I'm conflicted because despite everything, I feel "bad". I know, its crazy and pathetic. My nature is to be loving and kind and to open my home to those in need. I am not making excuses for this man, but I do know that there are some mental issues there that he needs to work through that do contribute to this. So, despite all of the lies, cheating, and the many years of pain he has caused me, deep down, I do still care for his well being. Is that wrong??? Why do I feel so guilty for still caring? I feel like I should hate him and wish bad things for him, but I just can't. The worse thing that I can feel is that I hope one day he can feel what I have felt.

What is wrong with me? It hurts me to kick him out, but I know that for me, I have to. I found this saying: "It's better to break your own heart by leaving, rather than having that person break your heart every day that you're with them".

He cheated. I divorced him. He apologized, I took him back, only to have him cheat again. I could not be more done. The love is gone.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's normal to feel this way, the love and concern doesn't just go away over night. My sister was in a very abusive relationship with a drug user for years, one of the main reasons it took her so long to leave was her compassion for him but it almost destroyed her. You have your daughter to think of, she is always learning and surely this relationship isn't one that you would want her to model her future relationships on.

Big hugs FM, you're doing incredibly well.

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I can so relate to that. When I left my XH I was talking to my dad and said "how is it that someone can treat me so horribly, and yet I still be bad about leaving them"

I think its just the nature of people that are compassionate, empathetic people.

Really though you are doing him a favor. He will never learn or change if he isn't given consequences of his actions. Everything you are doing now, he had it coming and then some.

And the most important thing is that you are doing this not only for yourself but also your daughter. She now will not be exposed to a bad relationship in which her mother is mistreated.

Just stay strong and don't lose site of his actions over the past years. Try not to feel guilty or bad for standing up for yourself, and enforcing boundaries and leaving an unhealthy abusive relationship (Serial cheating is a form of emotional abuse)

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Feb 2014
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a delicate balance between healthy empathy and the conflicts that arise from codependancy. If your concern is for their well being regardless of your presence that is healthy. If you feel that you are the only one that can save them from themselves, that is codependancy.

I strugge with this mental fence riding every day. I find my empathy waning though as the cold stares of detachment from my WW are chilling my resolve.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This type of conflict, of feeling bad for hurting the wayward, is so common. I wanted so much for my ex to get therapy, to improve himself...even after he had hurt me so much and proved he did not deserve my love and care. But I couldn't help it, those residual feelings of love (and some codependency wrapped up in it) stuck around and I had to feel them. My IC was very helpful about telling me now to beat myself up for continuing to have feelings I knew were undeserved; detaching our emotions is a longer process than detaching intellectually for most of us. Just trust that eventually your heart will catch up to your head, and figure yourself for not being there yet. this is a shocking trauma and it will take time to come out of your own fog.

[This message edited by norabird at 2:17 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 5

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