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ajsmom posted 4/1/2014 15:12 PM

Super frustrated and just need to vent I guess.

A good friend of mine dates a wallet. IFYWIM.

Backstory: He’s a 55 year old widower who was one of the biggest names for a local stock firm and made a killing in the stock market during the “Greed is good” days. A killing as in he’s been retired since the age of 50. Comfortably retired. Millions worth of comfort. My friend, who is 10 years younger than him, has known him for a few years and they’ve been dating for two. He has said to her time and time again he has no plans to remarry. He’s even shared to anyone that will listen that his late wife was the love of his life so why bother? Yes, he tends to walk on the blunt side and on top of that, he has some real anger issues. My S.I. psychology degree tells me the anger issues are due to his wife’s death from cancer, which came quickly after a shocking stage four diagnosis. Blow-ups with the guy are frequent and can be with anyone about anything big or small. I remember he and I having a “discussion” once about football that made his veins pop and me want to seek cover. Seriously scary stuff. Still, my friend takes his crap, cuz, well – we all know why.

Besides being blunt and angry, the guy is a drinker (daily, mostly heavy craft beers) and a heavy pot smoker. He’s had two DWI’s in the past five years, and now has a suspended license. Last summer because of the latest DWI, he rode his bicycle up to the local watering hole, got completely smashed, refused many offers of a ride home and opted to peddle back instead. While he was on his way – in fact just outside the apartment complex he lives in – he fell off the bike and hit his head on the street, banging himself up pretty badly. He refused medical treatment (he was worried he’d get ticketed for the drinking) and simply stayed indoors for a period of about five weeks. He refused to see doctors or my friend even though she lives across the hall from him. She had finally had her fill of his poofing and she broke up with him. Some friends finally convinced him to seek medical attention and it turned out he actually had a stroke which caused his fall off the bike. He did some therapy and had further testing which revealed he has a small hole in his heart which is causing the stroke – actually strokes – as they say there is evidence of at least three other mini-strokes prior. After this news, they got back together just before he left for FL for the winter and my friend has traveled there four times over the season to see him.

His plan has always been to relocate for good down in the Keys (he used to own a couple of homes there but sold them because they reminded him too much of his late wife) and he just bought a new house there. The house shopping took place on her latest visit.

Yesterday my friend gave notice at her job – a six month notice. (That’s another story). Her plan? She and her 22 year old daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend (both currently live with my friend) are all quitting their jobs and moving down there with him. He closes on the house next week, and he and the daughter’s boyfriend will make the move in September when his lease is up with most of his/their belongings, while my friend and her daughter will fly down in late November when the lease is up on their place. The kids will look for work when they arrive as will my friend when she gets there.

Oh yes, almost forgot – BREAKING NEWS! – she shared that now her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are also planning to move down there to be near her/them, probably after the first of the year, though her mother has yet to tell her other children. Hmmm…

This is bad six ways from Sunday and I can’t convince her to see it. She has answers and responses for every one of my concerns. I’ve brought up his drinking – she claims it doesn’t bother her “all that much” and once they get down there, he can walk to the bars if he wants while she’s at work and he won’t have to drive. Problem solved! Check!

The pot smoking? Apparently that’s just fine as well as she occasionally partakes herself and so does her daughter and BF. Okie dokie!

The anger issues? She can deal with them she says because she's convinced once he’s happier where he’s living, he will change. Alrighty then!

The health issues? Well, now she’ll be near him to keep an eye on him and make sure he’s doing his follow-up appointments, etc., and besides, he NEEDS her. Codependent much?

She could never afford a move like this on her own, and I know for a fact he has helped her out financially in considerable ways (car repairs, rent) to this point. Interestingly, when they were on their little break, she was constantly complaining about how broke she was. Now? She never complains. Again, hmmm…

I asked her point blank if she’s legally covered should the relationship go south and she claims she is but she won’t share any details with me. Not that I have to know everything, but you would think she would be clear as to what, if anything, has been signed, especially given my concern for her. I hate to say this, but I really doubt that there’s any truth to that as she’s a bit of an exaggerator. I think she’s going into this totally unprotected and is seeing swimming pools and movie stars. Well, maybe not movie stars in FL, but you get the gist. It’s not just me, there is a long list of people (including many friends and members of her own family) who think these two are mismatched and this move is a very bad idea. None of us are getting through, and now she’s officially out of a job. Well, in six months that is.

Not much more I can do but start popping the corn, I guess.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:47 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

tesla posted 4/1/2014 15:37 PM

Wow.
Well, I'm going to be ridiculously blunt here...
Sounds like he's got a death wish and she's hoping she' made the will.

Random thoughts posted 4/1/2014 15:44 PM

I have to agree with Tesla, its sounding like a future episode of SNAPPED.

norabird posted 4/1/2014 16:04 PM

oy vey. crazytown. smh

Must Survive posted 4/1/2014 17:29 PM

Wow, she is an adult. By her age, not her actions. She must be riding a unicorn too.

Has she ever been married/divorced. I would think once through that ringer (whether infidelity or not) would be enough to take precautions for her future.

SBB posted 4/1/2014 17:37 PM

A good friend of mine dates a wallet. IFYWIM.

^^THIS is the point. It sounds to me like you think it isn't worth the price/risk whereas she clearly does.

Sounds like he's got a death wish and she's hoping she' made the will.

^^THIS. TBH I'm more concerned for him than I am for her.

Yuck.

Helen of Troy posted 4/1/2014 18:13 PM

Yikes, giving up her career & life for an Alcoholic Sugar Daddy, with anger issues, man.


As a friend there isn't anything else you can do.
This is her choice unfortunately.

[This message edited by Helen of Troy at 6:14 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

shiloe posted 4/1/2014 18:26 PM

Gold diggers are a dime a dozen. But even they don't always have an easy ride. They had to put up and suck up to the money.

Whatever floats your boat as they say.

She may or may not make the will but she is going along for this ride for all it worth.

Does she LOVE this man? Or the lifestyle?

Nature_Girl posted 4/1/2014 18:42 PM

Sure hope he's amazing in bed.

mixedemotions posted 4/1/2014 19:25 PM

Wow. Just wow. I wonder what HE feels he's getting out of the relationship. That always confuses me...why not spin yourself out of control on your own? (No bike pun intended)

I guess he likes the longterm companionship and sense of family, even though he says she'll never measure up to his wife? Maybe the not wanting to get married is less to do with his grief and more to do with protecting his wealth...he gets the perks of M without the paperwork. Hmm...

I'm most sad she's bringing her daughter into the chaos. What a sad example she's setting

phmh posted 4/1/2014 19:32 PM

One of my friends is going through something that's similar in many respects. It's so hard to watch them make terrible decisions when you just want to shake some sense into them.

I really hope things work out for her and that you don't go crazy watching it!

IrishGirlVA posted 4/2/2014 07:53 AM

One of my friends is going through something that's similar in many respects. It's so hard to watch them make terrible decisions when you just want to shake some sense into them.

I have one of these friends too. She met a guy through OLD, first met him by going to his house (!!), spent the weekend there and they have been in luurve ever since. They just got engaged after 4 months.

> She just recently quit a great job to be able to work from home (his home)

> She is relinquishing custody of her 12 year old son; who has severe emotional issues. Her reasoning is that son needs a male influence to whip him into shape. The truth is, new boyfriend doesn't like the son and was verbally abusive to him a few times.

> They don't have sex because he likes it rough and she doesn't. He doesn't know how to have "regular sex" (can't perform) so she just doesn't do it for him. He once called her boring in bed. But, she is convinced they figure it out.

> He sexts with other women from adult friend finder.

> He drinks in excess

> His other 4 kids don't want anything to do with him.

> His ex wife has a restraining order against him due to domestic violence

> He has an inferiority complex

> He calls my friend names (spoiled, selfish, bitch, etc)

> She's not allowed to go out with me anymore now that I am single

> Not one single member of her family likes him

But somehow, she loves this man and there is not a thing I can do or say to wake her up and see the light. They will always spin it to how they want to see it.

Like you said, all you can do is sit back with popcorn and watch the show.

It hurts to see our friends go down destructive paths but don't let them suck you into their drama.

wildbananas posted 4/2/2014 08:23 AM

Wow, what a clusterfuck.

Yep, all you can do now is pop corn and be there for her when things implode. Because they will eventually.

better4me posted 4/2/2014 08:42 AM

You can't save people from themselves...

ajsmom posted 4/2/2014 12:15 PM

Sounds like he's got a death wish and she's hoping she's made the will.

Cannot disagree. The five weeks he huddled at home only served to make his full recovery from the stroke futile. He has definite speech issues and his motor skills on his right side are diminished. He gets frustrated in conversations and ends up just walking away when that happens. He also doesn’t do well any longer in social situations. All very sad, but things didn’t have to be this way had he sought treatment the night of the incident.

Has she ever been married/divorced. I would think once through that ringer (whether infidelity or not) would be enough to take precautions for her future.

She’s a BS…and yeah, one would think…

It sounds to me like you think it isn't worth the price/risk whereas she clearly does.

Nope. It’s not worth the risk to me, but obviously is to her. She has NO backup plan if this all goes to hell in a hand basket. She is giving up her job, her apartment and from what she tells me, she is getting rid of or selling most of her furniture, etc., because he’s promised to let her do a little shopping for the new place.

Does she LOVE this man? Or the lifestyle?

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! She professes love to him and almost forces this emotion onto people. It’s very strange. Now, I loved my XWH to death, but I didn’t need to cram it down people’s throats. She’ll go out of her way to be very PDA with him to make sure people see her.

Sure hope he's amazing in bed.

I have my doubts given his lifestyle and health issues. This comes from my experience of being married to an alcoholic, but hey, what do I know? Maybe he’s A.MA.ZING.

I guess he likes the longterm companionship and sense of family, even though he says she'll never measure up to his wife?

Agreed. When things are well, they do get along well together, I’ll give her/them that. But because I’m close to her, I hear all about the behind closed doors issues. She has shared how they were traveling after the accident and he had an absolute freak out with her about her taking a wrong turn…as in he had her pull the car over and screamed at her to get out – in the middle of a town she had no clue about. It took her an hour to calm him down.

As to the whole “instafam” aspects, I really don’t know if he realizes what he’s in for. Right now, they live in the same apartment complex across the hall from one another. When he needs his space, he walks 25 feet. Here, he’ll have all these people with him A LOT. I know her mother too, and she’s a clinger. My guess is she’ll be over there all the time as well.

I'm most sad she's bringing her daughter into the chaos.

She has done a great job of raising a codependent daughter. She and her boyfriend live rent free and my friend (with a help from Mr. $) also pays all the utilities and groceries, etc. The most I’ve ever heard of them contributing is a meal out once in a while or groceries if there is something they’d like to cook. I’ve been on her ad nauseam about how they use her. All I get back is, “Well, they’re my kids.” She says they have one year once they move down there to find their own place. Thing is, they are going to be living in an incredible coastal home on the Florida Keys for…drumroll please…NOTHING. What motivation is that?

I think she is taking the kids down there for her own protection should Mr. Wonderful go all cray-cray on her but she’d never admit that.

You can't save people from themselves...

And they all said, “Amen!”

SisterMilkshake posted 4/2/2014 12:29 PM

Well, Key West is beautiful and fun. I don't feel there is a great job market, but I am sure it has grown since when I used to go there in the '70s.

At least if she gets dumped, it is in a lovely place. She won't be cold if she winds up homeless. The kids are young enough that they can bounce back pretty good. *shrug* Whatcha' gonna do but, as you say, pop the popcorn.

honesttoafault posted 4/2/2014 12:43 PM

Irishgirl: some of things you wrote about your friend almost reminded me of myself and what I did with current WH.

Maybe it would be good if I looked at my life and write it in third person like that and look at it objectively?

AJ: Perhaps your friend could do this too? The only thing I could suggest for you is to tell your friend to have a back up plan and save her own money just in case: he dies, he really goes crazy, leaves her, etc.

DeadMumWalking posted 4/2/2014 13:12 PM

Not much more I can do but start popping the corn, I guess.

I'll bring the beer........

ExposedNiblet posted 4/3/2014 17:17 PM

Not much more I can do but start popping the corn, I guess.

I'll bring the beer........

Oh heck, I'll bring the nachos...I make a killer salsa.

Seriously though, so this gal is moving her entire family - including her mother - to be with this dude?

Holy cow.

solus sto posted 4/3/2014 19:43 PM

It's a shame her mother and daughter aren't telling her, "Nope, we're not playing this game."

His history of cerebral vascular accidents and head injury may contribute to his rage/temper.

What kind of "loving" SO does not call 911 over protests? (The kind hoping to inherit?)

Ick. An NPD with brain injury to compound his dickishness.

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