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Going NC with BS

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BrokenButTrying posted 4/1/2014 15:22 PM

BH has requested that we go NC. Obviously this is not complete NC because we have very young children and need to talk about them.

One issue is that where BH is living is completely unsuitable for children so all his time with the kids is at our house. (I have offered to go out but we live in a remote area with no public transport at the weekends and BH is not allowing me use of our car)

I want to go NC, I realise it is what he needs and I want to provide him a healing space.

The thing is, I'm a pursuer in our M. BH is the distancer. I need to talk about issues like I need oxygen, I have been that way my whole life. I am really struggling and I'm so worried I'm going to let him down.

I realise working on myself is about getting rid of old coping mechanisms and providing myself with new, healthy ones. I want to do that. My C suggested today that I wear a rubber band on my wrist, just like BH did to over come the mind movies, and snap it every time I feel the urge to talk to him. It's definitely been working this evening, that rubber band hurts!

My other worry is that I have no other focuses in my life.
I have the kids and the house to look after, but like I said before, I live in a remote area. I have no friends here and no way of getting out, I am dependent on BH for all transport at the moment. He refuses point blank to allow me to use the car.
The only time I leave the house alone is to go to IC once a week and on the school run twice a day. Apart from talking to my mum on the phone once a week, BH is the only adult conversation I have.
My family are not local and all work full time. All my friends are back home (we relocated here for BH's work.)

God, that sounds like such a pity party. I'm not looking for sympathy at all, just trying to explain the situation. I feel like having another focus in my life would be really helpful to me in providing BH with what he needs and helpful in my own healing. But my life is very limited at the moment due to BH's rule about the car, so I'm at at a loss as to what to do.

I also have an ongoing health issue and I will be having some major surgery in the next month or so (just waiting for consultant to set a date.) I will be unable to look after the children or do anything around the house for at least a few days so BH will most likely have to move back in. I'm worried about him having to care for me and the effect that might have on him.

Have any other BS' had to physically care for a WS because of a health issue? How did you find it? Did it raise any issues?

Aubrie posted 4/1/2014 16:05 PM

Are you in R or is he undecided?

Quite frankly, your situation sounds like prison.

As a SAHM, I have a serious concern about you being without transportation. What happens if there is an emergency or crisis? Nevermind the lack of human interaction. Nevermind you not being able to do anything.

Based on your post, I feel if you have that surgery and only have him to depend upon, you're screwed. You are his prisoner. He already doesn't like you and doesn't let you do anything. By the time you're healed, the resentment will be beyond comprehension. JMHO

[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:06 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 4/1/2014 16:41 PM

We're in limbo. I think ultimately he wants to R but he's not ready yet and needs space.

BH isn't far away (less than five minutes in the car) so he would most likely be around if there was an emergency with the kids but it is a concern of mine.

His justification for the car is that is is the only thing he has left because he's moved out of the home. He bought it with 'his' money (don't get me started on this, it's been a sore point for our whole M).

I did try to discuss me having access to the car once, he completely flipped out and got very angry so I haven't said anything about it since.

My counsellor and my mum are both in agreement that what he's doing is asking for space but making it impossible for me to go anywhere because he's scared I'll leave if he allows me any freedom.

It's ridiculous, I'm not going anywhere. I want the M and I want him. I would just like to be able to go to the supermarket when I need to and not have to text him asking if he could take me or if he could go for me.
I would like to be able to take the kids out in the easter holidays next week, have a fun day out with them.

BrokenButTrying posted 4/1/2014 16:46 PM

I'm very worried about him caring for me after my operation. But he is my only option.

Hardestthing posted 4/1/2014 17:45 PM

You can send me private messages if you feel like talking. For me, since DD, my life has been turned upside down. Everything is unfamiliar, and I too feel cut off. However, you are not exactly alone. You have SI. And you need to take the initiative to open your mind to new possibilities. It is very hard at the beginning. Think of things that you have always wanted to do, and make it happen. Be fearless, and you will make new friends.

My H doesn't want to speak with me, hates me, and I have no idea if he wants to reconcile. He is my world, stars and moon. And I have been pushed out of my comfort zone. I have attempted to start knitting, going to church, reading a lot of books, talking with friends, making new ones, surfing the net on new engaging topics, meditating to spa music, learning how to cook etc. and just when you think your alone, some sort of angel comes down and blesses you with just what you need.

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