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My 16 y.o. DS w/an AsD hurt, embarrassed, mocked

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sad12008 posted 4/1/2014 17:08 PM

...so I'm feeling very sick & angry & upset & so bad for him. B*tchy little teenage girls; they need empathy transplants because it's clear that part of them is in very poor shape.

He did a sweet thing, gave a girl he thinks is pretty a box of Sweethearts, with it addressed out to her and signed by him (there was a place on the box). She put a picture of it on her Facebook page and the mocking and meanness began. This is on the heels of getting 'talked to' at school on Friday (kids here on a break) about stuff he'd written on FB...basically it was oversharing/overcommunicating his feelings/physical attraction to a girl in his class. It wasn't crude or explicit, but it wasn't appropriate for FB (or public airing in general). I didn't get to talk with him about it before it got out in the school.

DS has PDD-NOS which manifests like Asperger's or HFA. He's very bright and has a kind heart; he's got lots of sensitivities and social issues. He also has an anxiety disorder ...one of the girls on FB brought up an incident from 7 YEARS AGO (!!!) that happened due to his bee phobia (which was pretty much @its peak during that time period). Of course, if he wasn't born innately predestined to have depression (which he does), he certainly would've developed it from all the social isolation and marginalization he's endured in the school system. For 7th & 8th grade I actually home-schooled him, it had gotten so bad.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to help him recover from this? Books? I feel poorly-equipped to help him through this. We'd already been talking a LOT about what happened just before break and the feelings he had from that, and talking about strategies to re-integrate into his classes. Thank goodness he sees an IC every 2 weeks and this is the "on" week.

I don't even know if this counts as cyber-bullying. There wasn't any name-calling that I saw in the brief minute he showed me the screenshot of the girl's FB page (I guess they were FB friends; it's not like he has a ton of FB friends, fewer than 30). However, it was just SO hurtful, like he's just gross and not someone ANYONE would want to like them.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 5:10 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

jo2love posted 4/1/2014 17:50 PM

(((sad & DS)))

I am so sorry that this happened to your son. This makes me so angry. Like release the kraken angry. Can you print screen shots to give to his guidance counselor? Maybe giving the school a heads up on the behavior, will allow them the opportunity to monitor/squash anything happening at school.

Different scenario. DD and I were talking about how a girl was mean to her yesterday. I told her that it could be a number of reasons, but none of them make it ok. They could be mean due to a hormone wave of nasty teen attitude. They could have had something awful happen to them or their family, so they take it out on others since they don't know how to deal with it. It could be that they are insecure so they put others down in an effort to feel better about themselves. Then there is that chance that they could just be an immature ass that doesn't realize how short and precious life is.

Please remind him that he has a right to his feelings, that they did not treat him fairly, and he does deserve better. Sending both of you hugs, strength, and hope for better days.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:53 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 4/1/2014 17:52 PM

Does he have any close friends? If e does I wod urge you to let them spend the weeken together. Do some fun stuff so he doesn't have to focus on it.
Next tell him it's not the end of the world, just feels like it. Then think back on your high school days and try to remember if there were any "mean girls" that ended up being pregnant, poor, unsuccessful and a generally crappy life. Share those stories with him. Let him know that mean people are often like that because they lack self confidence, and frequently don't turn out to be the successful folks. Then assure him he will fit in a lot more in college, there will be lots more supersmart socially awkward guys and they will be great life long friends.

I can say from personal experience that I found this to be true for me. I would much rather have friends like your son than hang with the "popular" crowd.

Remind him in the grand scheme of things this is just a blip in life.

jadedheart posted 4/1/2014 17:54 PM

oh my dear! My heart is breaking for you and your DS. Our 21 year old son has Asperger's Syndrome. He suffered cruelly during 8th-12th grade. I can't tell you how much I regret not removing him from the public school system. I should have allowed him to attend an online school or just plain homeschooled him. Our son was suicidal for about a year when he was 15. He suffered from anorexia and his weight dropped to 65lbs. He just wanted to disappear. I really really really regret not removing him from school. Block those horrible little witches on Facebook. As a matter of fact, I would block all involved or get him a new page that is set to private. Social media is a horrible tool used by kids to mistreat other kids.

I am so sorry that this has happened. Please feel free to PM me if you just need someone to talk to!

Hugs and love to you both!

edited to add: isn't it sad that these young people with the kindest hearts are subjected to the cruelty of their peers? I will never understand why kids choose to tear other people down in an effort to build themselves up.

[This message edited by jadedheart at 6:58 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

boontje posted 4/1/2014 17:55 PM

If the girls were mocking him on FB, I would consider that cyber bullying. Even worse if they are aware of his issues. You are right, teen girls (and boys) can be mean, really mean. What bugs me the most about this is the fact that kids these days are well educated about the negative impact of bullying, but they do it anyway. I work in a high school and have seen more than my share. I also have a son who was bullied right up until the day he graduated from high school.

I suggest you make the parents of the girl aware of what is going on. For your part, keep doing what you are doing. Communicate with your son, continue his IC. I'm so sorry he is having to go through this. My heart aches for him.

jo2love posted 4/1/2014 17:56 PM

Forgot to mention.....how about deleting/blocking the jerks on fb. I think when you block someone, you can report them for bullying.

He may not have that many friends on fb, but it is quality....not quantity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:56 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Embers2Fire posted 4/2/2014 02:58 AM

There is an online forum called Wrong Planet. It is for people with Autism Spectrum Disorders. My son has Aspergers. He is an adult now about to be 30 this month. We had to deal with alot during his school years and back then most had never heard of Aspergers. Wrong Planet is a great support forum for them just like SI is for us. I wish you the best of luck, these teen years are tough even under the best of circumstances, but he will grow up and he will get through this. Stay strong.

karmahappens posted 4/2/2014 06:36 AM

This is on the heels of getting 'talked to' at school on Friday (kids here on a break) about stuff he'd written on FB...basically it was oversharing/overcommunicating his feelings/physical attraction to a girl in his class

I would think if the school spoke to your son about his FB content the same should go for this young lady.

Hurtful, if only these kids understood the long-time damage this causes.

(((hugs)))

Kelany posted 4/2/2014 07:37 AM

My 17 year old has aspergers and we homeschool. She's also very loving, and very sensitive.

I've had her in social skills therapy before and THAT seemed to help a bit.

I'd say...find a therapist, who can help him socially. Someone who can role play scenarios. Who can help guide him to different outcomes and help him come up with better choices. If he's got a memory like my kids, this can be very helpful.

Kids like ours are just openly honest. They dont hide behind a mask. They are who they are. Sadly society has evolved away from thus.

k94ever posted 4/2/2014 10:38 AM

Yes, this is cyber-bullying and yes, take screen shots and report them to the school.


k9

Rebreather posted 4/2/2014 11:44 AM

I would think if the school spoke to your son about his FB content the same should go for this young lady.

This. It's a two way street.

I'm with jo on the whole kraken thing. I'm sorry these girls hurt your sweet boy.

Crescita posted 4/2/2014 12:04 PM

Three of my friends in high school left senior year to take classes 2-3 days/week at a community college an hour and a half out of town. Goodbye social bs, hello early start to college and a renewed focus on what school is about, learning. They still graduated and walked with the class at the end of the year, kept up with their friends, lived at home, and even worked part time.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/2/2014 13:18 PM

I am sorry that happened to your son.
I don't understand why kids and people in general have to be so evil.

I thought my kids NEVER to bully, taunt, make fun, or say mean things about others.

If you son was here, I would have him hang with my son at school. My son is popular because of grades and sports and he ALWAYS takes in the kids with needs and protects them. That is how we taught our kids.

Those girls need a slap with reality and being mean like that is not COOL.

Kajem posted 4/3/2014 07:53 AM

My kids are in college, so I'm out of the 'school culture' .

If he was talked to about something he posted, then the girl should be talked to as well as the posters that commented unfavorably.

I am sorry that your family is having to deal with this.

Hugs,
K


sad12008 posted 4/3/2014 11:55 AM

Thank you so much, everyone, for the support and suggestions.

At the risk of seeming like a total social media dinosaur, it turned out that the screen captures he showed me were from Twitter vs. Facebook... ...not that it significantly alters the course of the story (in self-defense, I really did just see the screenshots quickly and was focused on the content). However, it did enable me both a better grasp on the story and the opportunity to look at the posts directly myself (I'm still clueless about Twitter, but apparently either everyone can see everything or else this girl has no privacy settings).

I'm very glad she's not MY daughter...and glad she doesn't like MY son. She appears to be a mess. I will contact the administration at the school about the whole thing...I'm rather tempted to place an anonymous call to the mother of this girl, not in regard to my son, but to alert her that she may want to troll her daughter's Twitter account. I'd go anonymous only because I don't want blow-back onto my DS, and who knows what this girl's parents are like? H.S. sophomore partying pothead foulmouthed little trainwreck is their progeny and I don't know them from Adam.

I've corresponded w/my DS's IC and he's aware of the situation going into their appointment tomorrow. My DS is stressed about the return to school Monday still, quite understandably. I also gave my son the website address for wrongplanet and suggested he check it out...I'll be following up with him on whether he has so it doesn't slip out of his mind.

Raising a child who shows kindness to classmates who get treated like pariahs by everyone else is parenting success. You and your kids have reason to feel proud.

Our school has the senior year dual-enrollment thing, Crescita...I'm really glad you mentioned that thought because I hadn't considered it relative to my DS prior to this. However, I think it could be a very good option for him if he's able to do it (I'm wondering if he'll have the necessary qualifications, credits toward graduation or whatever the requirements are).

I heard the other day that the prevalence of ASDs in males is now 1 in 42. The NT kids need to learn not only tolerance but how powerful a force they can be in helping kids on the spectrum learn the social skills they so badly need!

karmahappens posted 4/3/2014 20:33 PM

I'm rather tempted to place an anonymous call to the mother of this girl, not in regard to my son, but to alert her that she may want to troll her daughter's Twitter account.

Parents can be so fricking strange, IMO.

When my kids were growing up I had to approach parents with 3 separate instances. The subjects were big (sex, pot smoking and drinking in a home under-age)

I went cautiously with the request to these parents to notice what OUR kids, no blame, were doing and to see if we could help each other with a solution.

IN 2 of the 3 instances I was treated with complete disrespect, was yelled at by one parent, another one told me I was a liar...

So if you do go to the mom I would definitely do it anonymously. Sometimes the apples don't fall far from the tree

I always thought parents were supposed to be on the same team. We are all trying to raise kids, good kids, and so many times a parents will be more interested in perception than truth. When a parent feels as though their kid has done wrong I saw a lot of times their need to protect their child come out rather than teach them right from wrong....

I hope it turns out ok, seeing your child hurt is so difficult.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:34 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

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