I haven't posted in a while, but I need help.
My husband is gone from the house and the separation agreement is signed. We still have to see each other at work every day and it looks like I am going to have to lay him off/fire him because we do not have enough work to support his salary at the company we started together. Of course, this is because of his affair with an employee and the fallout that occurred which damaged his and the company's reputation and our (now my company's) sales.
Here is the thing. I don't want him, and actually fantasize about a day when he doesn't show up to the office. But I am so scared. I am scared of the company going under and our 9 employees being affected. I am scared that I do not have it in me to do this by myself. I am doing everything I can do, but I am not sure it will be enough. I am so scared that I can barely get out of bed each day, put on the face and lead. There doesn't seem to be enough anti-depressants in the world and many days I don't think I am going to make it through.
I get home at night and my kids are a handful. I don't have him to depend on anymore when my daughter tests the limits (like every hour of ever day) and we would handle her together. I climb into bed and I am lonely. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be OK. I miss sex and the connection of being with someone you truly trust. I don't think I will ever have that again.
Like many of you, the only thing I can think is that I didn't chose this life. I didn't chose to lose my marriage, have my personal and business reputation damaged because my husband couldn't keep it in his pants, and now have to deal with the very real possibility of losing my business because he has damaged our reputation. How do I get out of this funk?
I feel like I have been sent to prison for a crime I didn't commit. I keep waiting for it to get better. (We are now 4 months since DDay.) But, it doesn't.
For the first time in my life, I feel beaten. I feel like life has won and it is never going to get better. What if I lose everything? I worked 9 years to build this company and sacrificed. I am going to lose my house if this goes under. For a business mistake I didn't even commit. How is this fair?
I have talked to my IC about this and she says, "You know that life isn't fair. You know that sometimes you are the good girl and things do not work out. You have to learn how to live with that. You have to learn to live with the fact that karma may never get those people who have hurt you."
If that's the truth, then WTF have I been following the rules for? Why don't I just teach my kids to lie and cheat because in the end it doesn't really matter anyway. This situation has rocked me to my core because my whole concept of people who lie and cheat will get justice just seems like a bunch of bullshit.
If I lose my business through no fault of my own, what am I going to do? I can't seem to pray because 1.) I think that if there is a God, he/she has better things to do than listen to my shit. and 2.) I don't think it will help.
Is there anyone out there that knows how I feel? I feel so alone and scared. I don't know how much more of this I can take.