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Scared and Lonely

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Destroyed121813 posted 4/1/2014 19:15 PM

I haven't posted in a while, but I need help.

My husband is gone from the house and the separation agreement is signed. We still have to see each other at work every day and it looks like I am going to have to lay him off/fire him because we do not have enough work to support his salary at the company we started together. Of course, this is because of his affair with an employee and the fallout that occurred which damaged his and the company's reputation and our (now my company's) sales.

Here is the thing. I don't want him, and actually fantasize about a day when he doesn't show up to the office. But I am so scared. I am scared of the company going under and our 9 employees being affected. I am scared that I do not have it in me to do this by myself. I am doing everything I can do, but I am not sure it will be enough. I am so scared that I can barely get out of bed each day, put on the face and lead. There doesn't seem to be enough anti-depressants in the world and many days I don't think I am going to make it through.

I get home at night and my kids are a handful. I don't have him to depend on anymore when my daughter tests the limits (like every hour of ever day) and we would handle her together. I climb into bed and I am lonely. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be OK. I miss sex and the connection of being with someone you truly trust. I don't think I will ever have that again.

Like many of you, the only thing I can think is that I didn't chose this life. I didn't chose to lose my marriage, have my personal and business reputation damaged because my husband couldn't keep it in his pants, and now have to deal with the very real possibility of losing my business because he has damaged our reputation. How do I get out of this funk?

I feel like I have been sent to prison for a crime I didn't commit. I keep waiting for it to get better. (We are now 4 months since DDay.) But, it doesn't.

For the first time in my life, I feel beaten. I feel like life has won and it is never going to get better. What if I lose everything? I worked 9 years to build this company and sacrificed. I am going to lose my house if this goes under. For a business mistake I didn't even commit. How is this fair?

I have talked to my IC about this and she says, "You know that life isn't fair. You know that sometimes you are the good girl and things do not work out. You have to learn how to live with that. You have to learn to live with the fact that karma may never get those people who have hurt you."

If that's the truth, then WTF have I been following the rules for? Why don't I just teach my kids to lie and cheat because in the end it doesn't really matter anyway. This situation has rocked me to my core because my whole concept of people who lie and cheat will get justice just seems like a bunch of bullshit.

If I lose my business through no fault of my own, what am I going to do? I can't seem to pray because 1.) I think that if there is a God, he/she has better things to do than listen to my shit. and 2.) I don't think it will help.

Is there anyone out there that knows how I feel? I feel so alone and scared. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

phmh posted 4/1/2014 19:29 PM


I just want to envelop you in the biggest hug ever and let you know that everything is going to be OK.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are still so, so close to D-Day. I'm glad that you're seeing an IC, but if this one isn't working for you, maybe try another one?

There are so many one-liners I could say now; they're all trite but true -- you don't know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, etc.

Do you have a support system? People really want to help -- let them. Is STBXWH helping with the kids at all? He needs to step up there.

In the very beginning stages, I practiced fake it till you make it. Survival. Cutting out unnecessary work so I could focus on what needed to get done. I ate a lot of frozen dinners and my house was a disaster.

You are smart, strong, amazing, etc. You built this business. You'll get through this.

Caretaker1 posted 4/1/2014 19:34 PM

Fire him step one or have an asst do it. But get that off your plate. You don't shit where you eat and he did. Clean up the mess by starting to get rid of his physical presence.

File for a divorce. Figure out the savings, assets etc. if you have to downsize and can do it, then do it. Less is more.

kg201 posted 4/1/2014 19:39 PM


That is a lot to manage at once! Of course you feel paralyzed. Where do you start and put the little energy that you have? If you put your efforts into your business, then will things suffer at home with your kiddos? I get it. It's a lot.

But you have to start somewhere. What are the small things that you can do in each realm of your life that could have an effect? You can get your kiddos to school each and every day. That's a BIG deal. School provides them with the structure that is harder for you to muster at home right now. You can contact the school and let their teachers and administrators know what is going on. That is a BIG deal, because those are extra eyes to keep tabs on things you might need to know about when the kids get home (ie your daughter might be giving it to you, when her thoughts are about something that happened at school...this is what my daughter has been doing recently).

At work you can find the energy and help you need (lawyers?) to get his ass out of your workspace. Just having him no longer there will help. That would be a BIG deal. Is there someone that you can hire to do some of his work, but at lower cost? Is there a contractor who could do that? Is there a consultant who could be hired to look at how to reclaim the business image in the community?

Maybe selling the business is the answer? You have the skills to start and run a business...maybe you can do it again when you have the energy? Or rebranding...same talent minus doinkenheimer and his image?

Again, the question is where can you begin to make some inroads that will help you see that you can move forward? You can do it and you will.

Destroyed121813 posted 4/1/2014 19:40 PM

Here's the thing. I have given him notice that he needs to leave by April 15 because the company can't pay for him without him billing. We have settled all of the assets with the separation agreement and I took care of the business assets when I made him sell his stock back to the company and waive his rights to the company as a marital asset in our separation agreement. I even have a corporate contingency plan in the event of my death (as sole shareholder) to make sure that the company is taken care of and my kids get the proceeds of whatever is left after it is sold.

So what's the problem? He has specialized knowledge that none of us on staff have and while I am working to shrink that gap every day, it isn't going to be fast enough. The staff do not know that we have separated and I am afraid that if they find out that they will quit because they do not see the company as stable. So, I go in and put on the face for everyone. So far, it seems to be working. We always separated business and home life so none of our employees have ever seen us act as anything more than colleagues.

shiloe posted 4/1/2014 19:50 PM

Yes Destroyed, I know exactly how you feel.

I feel so used and duped. Taken for a ride. I (am my parents) did a lot for my exWH. I supported him through so much, put him through college and paid for it. Was a good loyal W. Gave him a second chance when he asked me too after first A back in 2001.
I live on 80 acres out in the middle of no- where. I put myself through school during this last A after I kicked him out and he filed for D and rewrote M history and demonized me to everyone and his family.
Canít get a full time job because I donít have enough experience although I have worked for 33 yrs. just in a different field. I feel so old and alone. Thrown away like yesterdayís trash.
Most days I wish I would just fall off the face of the earth. At 54 . . . I just canít recover (again). I have been too damaged and am too old. Dating at this age is horrible. Gave up. Only way older men that I am not attracted to seem to notice me on OLD. No thanks.
My kids are starting their own lives now and I am alone . . . . a lot. I just stick around for them (and elderly mom who needs me). I donít see happiness and love in my future.
Just feel like I wish I wasnít here anymore . . . . scared and lonely too much.
It just doesnít seem to get better . . .I just get another day older and feel more worthless.
I donít have any sage advice or up-lifting quote or inspiration for you. Yeah, we all know life is unfair and we keep on getting up and going on, sometime the only thing that keeps me going is my faith in Him. Yeah, itís a huge shit sandwich and I think I am choking to death on it.

Take heart that you are realativly young and stronger going for you.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:57 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

kg201 posted 4/1/2014 20:17 PM

There are nonprofits out there that have folks that are experienced business people, who can consult for free on business related issues. Maybe talking with someone experienced in dealing with these kinds of business issues would be helpful, as a way to plan out what to do. Some of these are also focused on the female business owner.

For example (notice the disaster assistance part) this guide in Massachusetts has many resources available. There may be similar things in your state.

Destroyed121813 posted 4/1/2014 20:28 PM

Shiloe - God, I am so sorry for what you have gone through! Thank you for sharing. I am right there with you. However, I have made a vow that I am going to get laid again. You should plan on getting laid again too. Life is too short for good people like us to go through life sexless while assholes that we were with get their groove on with someone else. Let's not let them win!

Destroyed121813 posted 4/1/2014 20:32 PM

KG201 - I have a number of business advisors and I belong to a couple of business groups that know what is going on. I have done everything that can be done. They say now it is just a waiting game. However, thank you for the advice. It is appreciated.

[This message edited by Destroyed121813 at 8:32 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Leia posted 4/1/2014 21:24 PM

Putting on my business hat...
Have you thought about firing him and let it be known to your clients that there has been a change in management? As for your employees, well, they were looking for a job when they found you, and there are other people out there with the skill set you need looking for a job. One of the most valuable lessons I learned early in life is that there is no soul in business. I believe that one needs even bigger bitch boots in business than one needs getting D. Just my opinions.

Taking off business hat...
When you're married to someone who has specialized skills, then you're at their mercy for a while until you can find suitable replacements. That does nothing for your comfort or personal life--I get that. But, take care of you first, kids second, and company third. The reason you're in business for yourself is that you risk everything to have the quality of life you want to have. Unfortunately, you have someone in your locker room who isn't playing on the team any more. Just from your words here, I can tell you're very strong and that you CAN do this. You just have to be a sociopath for a few months until things turn around. It will get better. Hang in there.

one2ndchance posted 4/1/2014 21:46 PM

Not knowing your business, I don't have any advice, but it seems to me that in this economy, you wouldn't have to worry too much about your employees quitting their jobs.

If there is a God, I'm sure he wouldn't mind "listening to your shit." I know you don't think it will help. I used to feel the same way, but one night, long ago as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, I was in such despair that I just started talking to Him/Her. I figured, "What do I have to lose?" I laid out all my "shit" and even though there were no harps playing or mist rising or filtered lights shining, I felt a little better....and fell asleep.

Lalokau posted 4/1/2014 23:22 PM

You say you aren't sure you can do it. Boy do I know that fear.

But I am here to tell you that you can. You can do it. You do not know how strong you are and what you can achieve. So, feel the fear. Embrace it and do it anyway. Forge ahead.

As to karma and doing what is's an integrity thing. It may be harder now and you cannot see the forest for the trees but you will reap rewards. They will be yours.

This betrayal has changed you forever. You didn't ask for it and you did nothing to deserve it. It hurts. You are transforming from such a deep place. You will never be the same.

You will be better.

Getting there is painful. Excruciating. But you will emerge and D121813, you will be spectacular in every way. Your children will see it. Your friends and family, your employees and the world will see it.

Sending hugs.

sodamnlost posted 4/2/2014 00:08 AM

It's a horrible feeling for sure. I am sorta in the same boat. I lost my business during the nightmare depressed state that was my life for so long. I have no job, no money and now - no home. He is getting beyond scary so I packed up my kids and left tonight.

I am so afraid. I am so lonely. I have no family and no friends really. I haven't had sex in a long time and when I did before that - it mostly sucked and was wicked infrequent. So - yeah, I understand. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

But - we are survivors. We won't go down with the ship. The karma will be us enjoying our freedom and living lives of integrity without them. At least that's what I'm holding on to. Homeless would be better than living the nightmare that is my "marriage".

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