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Anniversary Advice?

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harrypotter posted 4/1/2014 19:22 PM

Well it's going to be a year since dday this Friday. To make this even worse our 13th wedding anniversary is three days later. So I am guessing that the annual dday sucks. For those that have been through it what helped your BS and you deal with it? I would rather ignore it I hate giving it attention but I know it's coming and I know she does also and I know ignoring it never helps so any experiences with this would be helpful.
And then there is our Wedding Anniversary three days later. We are still together, the last year has been a battle for both of us but we are still here. I know she loves me, but she also doesn't know if she can/wants to stay. So I would say we probably act or are mostly R-ing but that is where I place things it's not an official statement. Long and short is I'm all in and she's.... Well here and trying damn hard. I would love to celebrate our anniversary but I don't think she will and I get that. I haven't talked to her about this yet and I don't know for sure what she will say but I suspect she will say to do nothing. I will talk to her i don't think it would be wise to surprise her with a sitter and dinner or something like that, but I don't want to let it go by and not recognize it either. I know that's what I want and that we have different views of our marriage right now. I really don't know what to suggest, should I suggest, should I take no for an answer if that's what she says. Again, looking for inputs from WS or BS that have gone through this.

Deeply Scared posted 4/1/2014 20:31 PM


BS's are not to reply on threads with the stop sign icon, please do not encourage them to do so.

Thank you.

Aubrie posted 4/1/2014 20:53 PM

Don't guess your way thru this Dude. Seriously. You will shoot yourself in the foot so bad.

Talk. To. Her. Ask how she wants to handle both days. What does she want? Ask how she want to recognize or not recognize the days.

Don't suspect or assume. Ask.

If she says ignore, do nothing, then you have to take her at her word. If she says make a huge deal and baby her, take her at her word.

Communication in these types of situations are crucial.

KBeguile posted 4/1/2014 21:26 PM

Double what Aubrie said.

From what I've noticed, a lot of these A problems come as a result of miscommunication and/or breaks in communication. Obviously, in order to perpetrate an A, there are secrets one must necessarily keep from a BS ... so the WSes learn how to avoid communication.

Fast forward to now. NOT communicating seems so much easier. It's certainly more familiar territory, because you weren't communicating before. And, yet, paradoxically, communication is the best medicine here.

So, talk. Just as Aubrie said. Not only will it tell you how your BS feels, but also it will help bring the two of you back into regular open communication. Good habits are good.

harrypotter posted 4/1/2014 21:39 PM

For sale,
yup you are right about the stop sign it wasn't my intention for it be there not sure how to get it off. Sorry about the confusion.


I totally agree with the communication piece and it was never my intention not to just talk to her about it. Guess I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences good or bad have been before I do talk to her about it. Thank you both.

Aubrie posted 4/1/2014 22:04 PM

I can't really say whether I had a "good or bad" experience before I talked to him. I had hopes or expectations. Maybe that's what you mean?

Dday antiversary rolled around. Neither one of us wanted to see it. He wanted no mention, no gesture, nothing. The day was just another day. He called me and the anti was mentioned in passing. That's it.

Our anniversary was 3 months after Dday. We went to dinner. I made him a gift. He got me a card. We made out a few minutes in the car. That was about all he could muster.

Dday antiversaries come and go quietly. No show. No gesture. It's how he prefers it.

Anniversaries the past two years are generally the same. Dinner, small gifts, the kids with a sitter, quiet time alone. Nothing big or fancy.

My ultimate dream has always been to renew our vows on a beach somewhere. We always talked about upgrading our rings. Obviously that's not going to happen anytime soon. He could absolutely care less about any of it now. Sucks, but its a consequence of my actions.

wheredoigo posted 4/1/2014 22:06 PM

My anniversary situation is almost identical with yours, Harry.

This January was the year since our first DDay and anniv. within the same week.

I spoke with him in advance and told him I was planning a trip away from our house to get his mind off things.

Prior to the trip, he had told me from the beginning that our anniversary and vows were dead to him and he never wanted to celebrate that day again (my PA was 3 days after our anniv) and I actually agreed with him. If and when he decides to fully R with me, I want nothing either to do with any dates that tore our marriage apart.

Once I talked to him and told him I had arranged some R+R away from the house that was in no way related to those dates, he said it truly helped get his mind off what would of been triggers for him at home.

He later told me it was a nice refresher that brought us closer together and gave him a safe, private time alone to talk about the year prior without distractions of work, kids, life and helped him focus talking with me about his expectations and needs from me.

Talk to her first, throw some ideas around, let her know you are thinking of her and want to support her in whatever way she wants to approach it. Hope this helps.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:08 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

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