BS's are not to reply on threads with the stop sign icon, please do not encourage them to do so.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Talk. To. Her. Ask how she wants to handle both days. What does she want? Ask how she want to recognize or not recognize the days.
Don't suspect or assume. Ask.
If she says ignore, do nothing, then you have to take her at her word. If she says make a huge deal and baby her, take her at her word.
Communication in these types of situations are crucial.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
From what I've noticed, a lot of these A problems come as a result of miscommunication and/or breaks in communication. Obviously, in order to perpetrate an A, there are secrets one must necessarily keep from a BS ... so the WSes learn how to avoid communication.
Fast forward to now. NOT communicating seems so much easier. It's certainly more familiar territory, because you weren't communicating before. And, yet, paradoxically, communication is the best medicine here.
So, talk. Just as Aubrie said. Not only will it tell you how your BS feels, but also it will help bring the two of you back into regular open communication. Good habits are good.
I totally agree with the communication piece and it was never my intention not to just talk to her about it. Guess I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences good or bad have been before I do talk to her about it. Thank you both.
Dday antiversary rolled around. Neither one of us wanted to see it. He wanted no mention, no gesture, nothing. The day was just another day. He called me and the anti was mentioned in passing. That's it.
Our anniversary was 3 months after Dday. We went to dinner. I made him a gift. He got me a card. We made out a few minutes in the car. That was about all he could muster.
Dday antiversaries come and go quietly. No show. No gesture. It's how he prefers it.
Anniversaries the past two years are generally the same. Dinner, small gifts, the kids with a sitter, quiet time alone. Nothing big or fancy.
My ultimate dream has always been to renew our vows on a beach somewhere. We always talked about upgrading our rings. Obviously that's not going to happen anytime soon. He could absolutely care less about any of it now. Sucks, but its a consequence of my actions.
This January was the year since our first DDay and anniv. within the same week.
I spoke with him in advance and told him I was planning a trip away from our house to get his mind off things.
Prior to the trip, he had told me from the beginning that our anniversary and vows were dead to him and he never wanted to celebrate that day again (my PA was 3 days after our anniv) and I actually agreed with him. If and when he decides to fully R with me, I want nothing either to do with any dates that tore our marriage apart.
Once I talked to him and told him I had arranged some R+R away from the house that was in no way related to those dates, he said it truly helped get his mind off what would of been triggers for him at home.
He later told me it was a nice refresher that brought us closer together and gave him a safe, private time alone to talk about the year prior without distractions of work, kids, life and helped him focus talking with me about his expectations and needs from me.
Talk to her first, throw some ideas around, let her know you are thinking of her and want to support her in whatever way she wants to approach it. Hope this helps.
[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:08 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]