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time2Bstronger posted 4/1/2014 20:28 PM

I was reading on the "anger vs. indifference' post by another member and was just thinking. I wish I could feel anger. I don't think I have ever been able to feel real anger or sustain it for anymore than a few minutes, towards anyone. Whenever I get upset with someone I care about, I feel guilt and make excuses for them..." He felt xyz", "She just needed abc", "He/she couldn't help it cause of xyzabc".

Many close to me have asked why do I feel responsible for and make excuses for others actions. I DON'T KNOW. I don't even know when I do it. I just wish I could feel angry. I think it would feel good to be justifiably mad. I can't seem to get there. It's been a long and painful path my WH set me on and I still cannot maintain anger towards him. He has hurt my son so much, the affairs and fall out caused my daughter to pursue a self destructive path. He left me to deal with all of this myself and I still feel empathy towards him. Wish there was a "get tough" potion available.

BeHappyAgain posted 4/1/2014 21:47 PM

I can really relate to you on this. I rarely get "angry" with WH and when I do, I immediately feel guilty about it. It is just not my personality to get all worked up. I sure wish I could.....I think that the lack of anger is starting to take its toll on me.

From what I hear, I think it will happen for us one day. :)

gonnabe2016 posted 4/1/2014 23:58 PM

Hi T2.

What you are describing is NOT something that will just *magically* happen. It takes action on your part. You have to recognize (immediately) when you are starting to give a *pass* to a jackass, deconstruct it, and then re-frame it in a *healthy* way.

TheRealDeal posted 4/2/2014 13:15 PM

(((time2Bstronger))) what you describe sounds a lot like me. I could not feel angry over his actions. Just overwhelming sadness.

Once I started IC (within 1 month of last Dday) it became apparent that my FOO issues had a large part in how I felt. I internalized my anger as sadness because I felt abandoned. I felt ashamed because I thought I had done something wrong. I was fearful of him leaving (abandoned) if he knew I was so angry with him.

It did not matter what others were saying to me. Rationally I knew it didn't make sense but somehow my feelings were saying something completely different to me.

It didn't matter what happened, what he did, what he said, I would initially feel anger but I could not hold onto it. It was as I felt I deserved all he was dishing out. But I kept going to IC and going to Codependent Anonymous meetings and reading books and finding myself again. And as my self-esteem improved...I found how to address my anger.

So now? I am able to find my anger and express it but in a healthy manner. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I say it in a low, calm voice. he knows I mean business and he knows that I will say things that he may not like. But as I now say to him (and not afraid to say to him), "you tell me things I don't like to hear, and I have the same right to say what's on my mind too".

I've had to work really hard on my FOO issues to figure out why I couldn't stay angry. It was very painful for me. I would not have been able to do it without help of IC, books, CoDA. But now that I recognize the "root-cause" I can address it appropriately.

One of the best books I stumbled across was Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black PhD. It was as if it was written just for me. I read it in a few days. Along with all the other help I was pursuing it was a turning point...it pointed me in the direction of finding ME again. I still re-read sections of the book when I find myself struggling because it helps me to understand "why" I feel a certain way

many hugs to you