SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

tennis26 posted 4/1/2014 21:43 PM

I have not told my 4 kids about the affair or the real reasons I am choosing to divorce. If they ask directly, I'll tell them honestly, factually.

My issue is that I'm fairly sure their dad is still with the OW and will eventually introduce them to her. My kids are DD15, DS10, DS6, DS3. My DD is the only who's asked any questions where I could have spilled the beans. I'm protecting them, not him but if they meet her I want them to know the truth.

She is a coworker, younger with a young child. She got divorced quickly after her husband found out. Her choice not his. He's the one that emailed me on DDay otherwise it might have gone undetected as my STBX planted the seeds that he wanted a divorce.

I feel sick when I think of the future pain they could still cause me and my kids. What should i do? Kids love their dad and he is a good dad as far as they can see. Do they need to know? I have learned to hide my pain from them but seeing them with OW might be too much.

We've agreed to not introduce kids to any new significant other for a year. It's in the decree.

newlysingle posted 4/1/2014 22:39 PM

I think your 15 year old is old enough to be told outright. Maybe wait until you questions for the others. My six year old knows, but it's because she started asking a lot of questions. In my case, XWH moved directly in with OW so as soon as visitation started, they met her.

It sucks having the OW skankwhore in your children's lives. Trust me. I wish she would just keep her nasty claws off of my children. She is nice to them, but tries to dazzle them with gifts and trying to one up me all the time. It doesn't work on them, but she continues to try.

Just know that your kids will always consider you #1. Hopefully, the whore is long gone in your case though.

Lalokau posted 4/1/2014 23:25 PM

Ask yourself this "What is best for the wellbeing of my children?"

Not for you. Not for WH.

What is best for your children's wellbeing (emotional, mental and physical)?

Then do that.

ExposedNiblet posted 4/2/2014 02:00 AM

tennis26,

The nice thing about forums like SI is that there are literally thousands of folks who are either going through the exact same thing you are or have been through it already. You will get many different opinions on issues such as this. In the end, you know your situation best and you will make the best decision for you.

Based on my own experiences, I firmly believe that everyone, no matter what age, can better deal with major hardships like divorce if they are given the truth from the beginning. Problems have a tendency to arise down the line if we, as parents, withhold the truth or whitewash it in hopes of protecting our children from some of the ugly realities of life.

(I also feel that if you don't tell your children the truth, you are, in effect, protecting their father and his mistress from some of the consequences of their actions such as the inevitable uncomfortable questions/comments.)

My boys were young - 10 & 12 I think - when I had to have The Talk with them, and they did fine. Just explain things in an age-appropriate way without editorializing and be ready for many, many questions...and hugs. If they're not already going, I'd suggest a good family therapist, just to keep things on track during some of the upcoming bumps.

I'm a few years out from that and we've all not only survived - but thrived! Compared to being married and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, being divorced is heaven.

Keep posting, we're here for you. Remember, you and your kids WILL be okay.

Good luck.

Sadmumma posted 4/2/2014 07:48 AM

Mine know the truth (or age appropriate variations of it).

According to miss 5&7 daddy broke a promise to mummy, and didn't put our whole family first.

Miss 11&13 worked out "daddy's got another girlfriend for themselves and asked me.

When WH tried to introduce miss 9 to ap 4 weeks out miss 9 asked "was that how he broke his promise... With another woman".. I answered truthfully, yes, it was.

They still haven't met OW so I'm not sure in long run if it were right or wrong.