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2 years post d-day

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badchoice posted 4/1/2014 23:40 PM

2 years ago today was the beginning of the end. I confessed to a small part of my A, and then TT's for a couple of months slowly destroying my M and my BW.

I sit here two years later, depressed, not knowing what to do with myself, separated on the path to D.

Just sad at the destruction in my wake.

Somedays it seems like I have gotten so far from the person I was. LIke I am healing, moving forwarded, and then it all hits me. The sadness, the depression, being alone.

I have taken a break from SI over the last few weeks. busy with work, and i get really triggered reading and getting bogged down in various threads over in D/S.

Not really a question, but want to get it off my chest.

HUFI-PUFI posted 4/2/2014 05:51 AM

badchoice - I sit here two years later, depressed, not knowing what to do with myself, separated on the path to D. ... and i get really triggered reading and getting bogged down in various threads over in D/S. ... Not really a question, but want to get it off my chest.

I can understand your need to step away from SI at times, not only because your IRL world is squeezing the time and energy equation but also for the fact that at times, SI can sometimes be just a very downer place to hang out at.

I've stepped away from SI a couple of times during my six years here, and so have others. At times, stepping away from our online support community can be very therapeutic in of itself. Too many triggers, too much heartache, too much pain and not enough good news. In particular, even when I am here, there are times when I force myself to stay away from General and JFO. It hurts to read and experience their pain and at times the shame of being a WS is too strong and I have to turn away.

When I read your description of being "bogged down" over reading various threads in D/S forum, I wonder if this is happening to you.

I can see by your post history that your not posting in D/S but reading only, so I have to ask, why read there? Is your spouse here and posting? Or are you just trying to make sense of the whole divorce thing by lurking and reading?

IMHO, if reading the posts are not helpful and supportive and in fact, they may be the source of your depression and moodiness, then maybe, you need to make the very conscious decision not to read the D/S forum. Continue to post on the Wayward side if you want to but abstain or limit your time in D.S forum.

Good luck brother,

HUFI

badchoice posted 4/2/2014 10:52 AM

Hufi:

why read there?

BW does not post on SI anymore. Frankly, I am not sure why. Part of me thinks reading there and about the WS that treat there BS so badly let's me say to myself, look, I am doing this the right way. A kind-of taking the focus off of me. Sometimes a post will catch my eye and i read it to try to figure out what is next.

Doing it is also a sub-conscience way of self punishment as well i guess. It just re-enforces the shame and guilt i feel, and that in a way feels comfortable. Keeps me stuck in a place I know, and not moving on.

thx-

SBB posted 4/3/2014 07:08 AM

badchoice, I know you know it but I just wanted to make it clear - the stuff we say down in S/D is about unremorseful waywards who are usually still causing harm.

That doesn't relate to you. If you're taking that stuff on board then it is self harm - it does you no good.

I think the next worst feeling in the world to being a BS who wants R but can't have it has to be a remorseful FWS who wants R but can't have it. In some ways I think it might be worse - righteous anger has kickstarted many a healing over there.

Pain is pain.

This is going to sound strange and I may fuck up the delivery but: Do you allow yourself to feel angry at her? I don't mean I a consuming, blameshifting way but in a 'why do these undeserving unremorseful WS get a chance they don't even want but I don't get that chance' way.

I know remorse is about not blaming the other and owning your shit but I do think allowing yourself to let the feeling come and pass over you (ie: acknowledge it) without beating yourself up about it can be cathartic. In the early days I found myself angry at him about stuff that he had no hand in. Had I denied myself permission to let those feelings come I may have been so busy denying them that I may not have worked out it had nothing to do with him.

I can't read the R forum - I lurked there for several weeks after final S. At first it made me cry then it made me angry then it made me feel depressed. I consciously avoid it now. It is a reminder that I am simply not cut out for R - even if it had not been False R. Even if he had been the posterboy for remorseful WHs. Less to do with my M and the guy I married and everything to do with me.

This forum can trigger me too for the same reason.

They say 2-5 years to heal in R. The consensus is that it is about the same in S/D.

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