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User Topic: Who replaced my wife with this person?
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife cheated. Told me 3 months ago. Tried to pursue R but she wasn't remorseful and unwilling to submit to transparency of any kind or IC. After 3 months of rolling my skinned carcas in salt she decided she was done. I filed but was still willing to R....nope.

Now here's the thing. Her and I agreed to try and be civil but I find her demonizing ever little fault about me. We still live in the same home. Our M was 90% good but now when she looks at me it's only about the 10%. Is this so she can live with the guilt of her affairs? So she can stay motivated for the D? I look at her and I see an empty shell where my wife used to be.

Maybe alien abduction? Unbelievable.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
RedWheelBarrow
♀ 38966
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to say that they all do this. I have been reading on here for months, and it's the same story. The guilty blame their victims. Not fair, but they do it.
180 her. You need to get some space, and healing begins with NC.((hugs))


Me: BW 50
Him:"Rockstar" late 50's
DS: 11
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 149 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - a delightful chapter in the Cheaters Handbook called "I only cheated because <insert idiotic bullshit reasoning>".

The alternative would be to accept that they are monsters who have done monstrous things to themselves, their spouse, their kids, their family, their friends.

Not.Going.To.Happen. It's easier to lay the blame on your spouse.

eg. He cheated because I didn't cook or drive. He cheated with a woman who.... wait for it... didn't cook or drive!!

Better wives than me have been cheated on. Worse wives than me have not.

It's all the WS.

Many of us are horrified and confused at the extreme venom exhibited - I mean they lied and cheated, broke our hearts and are putting us through the worst experience of our lives. Isn't that enough? Why more salt?

Because this is how they compartmentalise it in their mind - they are not bad people, they weren't happy, weren't 'in love', we weren't 'in love' with them etc etc etc.

The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

Keep reading, keep posting - you'll see what she's doing is completely pedestrian.

((Jipt))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-writing marital history is among the early chapters in the Cheater's Handbook. It's ubiquitous. Eventually, you will see some humor in this but it takes a while.

Though you didn't know it, your relationship - back to the beginning - was bad. It has always been so. At least that's what you will now be told. She never told you at the time of course and you were married for 20+ years. No matter.

It's a device for waywards to justify themselves to themselves and to anyone that doesn't listen to the words they say - more people than you think by the way, at least initially.

Keep in mind that she has been writing this chapter for a while. Much longer than you realize. She's gotten probably a year or two ahead of you in distancing herself from the marriage, your family, your life. She needed to do that to self-justify screwing another man while married to you and while lying about it to everyone in her world.

That's why when fucking someone other than your husband (all an affair really is) is okay with them. They deserve better yet have no courage to actually discuss the marriage. They've been repeating and amplifying how awful you are in their heads for quite a while. By the time you find out, they are solipsists.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
jagged
♂ 32317
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's why when fucking someone other than your husband (all an affair really is) is okay with them. They deserve better yet have no courage to actually discuss the marriage.

THIS.

Personally, I'm a subscriber to the Alien theory - that's with a capital "A", like the movies. More of a parasite/host situation, where the parasite hatches, then feeds off of - and slowly kills - the host.

Something about turning 40 triggered the alien in my WXW to burst forth from the dying shell of the woman I had married and known for 20 years. The hatchling was an image-obsessed, shallow, materialistic, narcissistic, orange (spray tan) "hot mom" that for some time held my wife hostage...she was in there, and I could see her some days, fighting the new thing, mostly in her role as a mother. She even lauded and openly re-discussed her "awakening"...and there is so much media and marketing out there poised to capitalize on bored, suburban wives/mothers "finding themselves", she found plenty of fuel for the fire.

She started having long conversations with her sister, who, with a successful, loving, devoted, and rather studly husband of her own was in the midst of (probably) her second LTA. And like her sister, my WXW decided she "deserved to be happy".

Ultimately, when it came down to finding justification for the lying, cheating and betrayal, she had nearly 20 years of a happy marriage, of self-professed contentment that was the subject of admiration of family and friends around us. So her re-writes were bound to be extreme; she took up the theme that she "woke up" and wanted to "live".

The host was dead, and the parasite shares custody of my children.


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep in mind that she has been writing this chapter for a while. Much longer than you realize.

This ^^...

It takes a long time for this to settle in. Particularly if you've been blindsided by the A. You'll begin to see it though, as the months pass. Be patient with yourself as it starts to come into focus. It can be hard to resolve for yourself once you start putting it together. You're going to wonder what possessed you to put up with so much crap from her.

The answer will be that you were married and thought you were in love and were partners and so you stuck it out... but you won't be so willing to tolerate one-sided crap in the future after this. I guarantee.

Get ready for her to treat you like you're an awful person and stare at you blankly when you express that she is hurting you. She won't get it. Also get ready for even more desperate excuses and ways to blame you. They really will try to reach for any straw.

When I found out, my X started blaming me, acting crazy, telling me we were unhappy. It was all bullshit. The reasons he had his A? I wasn't finished with my doctorate and that was 'scary'. (He hadn't finished his, either, btw). Also, he claimed that we were "fiscally incompatible"... yet we had always kept separate bank accounts and routinely borrowed money from my parents. Also, I left the house to go to the ice cream stand without makeup on one day.

My point is, it was all crazymaking nonesense.

I didn't even recognize him. Everything-- his face, his eyes-- seemed different. I'd be crying on the floor saying I didn't know how to go on and he'd just stare at me with these cold eyes and say something even more cruel. And this was a man who had been sweet and kind for a decade. You won't understand it. Don't try to.

My advice is get away from her as quickly as you can. The reason I broke away so fast (within three weeks) was because I knew we had a good M and I refused to let him continue to shit all over it and blame me. I was the object of all of his anger and it wasn't right. I knew the only way to wake him up, if he was ever going to, was to no longer be there as an object of his hate. I wanted him to have to live with himself and his choices. The upside to that approach is, even if they don't wake up, you are on a faster path to healing yourself. And putting yourself first is going to be the most important thing.

((hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now here's the thing. Her and I agreed to try and be civil but I find her demonizing ever little fault about me. We still live in the same home. Our M was 90% good but now when she looks at me it's only about the 10%

Yes this is what I warned you about. She will say one thing and do another, and in this case attempt to make you out to be a really bad guy so she can get what she wants out of the divorce. Waywards tend to get really greedy in this process. Assume that this person in your wifes skin is not the person you have known and loved all these years.
She is dead and gone. Assume this person is an enemy and will do anything and everything to hurt you and cause you pain. Why? You hit the nail on the head to justify her own choices.

Make sure that you stay strong, and get what you deserve and is rightfully yours in this process.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what; people do grow apartÖthatís life..but donít lie about it. Communicate that and lets deal with it. Donít try and blame the spouse though. You wanna roll? Bounce then, but cut out all the blaming mess.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jagged: 40 was my wifes magic number. That is when the aliens gutted my wifes heart conscience and moral compass and replaced it with what i have today. Itd b funny if it wasnt true and so damn painful.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plug in age "39" for "40" and you've got my story as well: word-for-word, line-by-line, script-by-script.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Dec 2012
iamsoblind42
♀ 42022
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly think it is the only thing that lets them sleep at night if they can pass any of the blame guilt to the BS. My STBXH has also been abducted by aliens but honestly they can have him. I am much better off! I hope they torture the sh** out of him... (ok, maybe I'm at the angry phase LOL)


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 212 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
justjim
♂ 41150
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine just told a mutual friend (she knew it would get back to me) that she just finished a 15 page affidavit detailing all of my faults and shortcomings to "discredit" me at our hearing next week.

I've got to believe that Family Court judges have seen this before. Lol


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to be concise

180

everything you say and do will be used against you.

divorce is war, the best you can do is try to minimize the casualties.

she is not your friend.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3300 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Klove
♀ 42096
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't even recognize him. Everything-- his face, his eyes-- seemed different.

This ^^^^^^^^^

When he was "in the heat" of the A (although I do believe it has been going on the entire year & 1/2) I would look into his blue blue gorgeous eyes and think they looked like ice. Like dead, emotionless eyes. I couldn't even recognize him and it was scarrrrrry.

We made picture collages each year after the kids and they line our hallways. I look at his face with us camping, on our cruise, splashing in a pool, with the boys in front of out beautiful family xmas tree- and I think: "who is that guy and where did he go?"


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure that most of us here in D/S has felt like aliens came down and sucked out the brains of our WS's, leaving this shell which looks like our WS, but has no soul underneath.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3559 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
marlie2014
♀ 40981
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel kind of like this, except that there was something very wrong with WS before we were married, it's just that nobody knew about it. My WS has been committing statutory rape for a long, long time and was pretty good at keeping it hidden until this last year.

OTOH, at this point he isn't just jailbait in that sense. He's also joined a drug cartel. He told me "I have to make a living" since he can't use me as a sugar momma anymore.

This is the man who used to walk beside me with a Bible in his hand, wearing a suit and tie and talking to people about how God changed his life. I guess he forgot to mention the part where he committed rape and kept it hidden from the church and from his wife for years.

The comforting part is that at least, while he might rewrite marital history in his head, no one believes him. He was expelled from the church and his own family won't speak to him now.


BS: 34
WS: 36 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
2 OC, one 6 yrs old and the other a few months (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
freeatlast72
♀ 42758
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXH treated me like crap from Oct-Dec...during his A with neighbor- SKANK.

After it all came out he tried to treat me so nice and be my 'friend'....really?? My friends do not like to me and deceive me and bring OW in my home.

I am very much in the ANGER phase and it has propelled me to move forward and retain attorneys and be a mean BITCH to SBTXH and his SKANK!! I do not have to be nice to me after what they put me through.

The funny thing is I am usually very introverted and do not like confrontation....this experience has been a learning experience!

Strength!!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Jduff
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put me down for my STBXW turning 40 and suddenly becoming a possessed. The rewriting of the M definitely occurred. I also saw the soulless cold look in her eyes as well. She even blames her sister for pressuring her to marry me.

I already outed her lying ass to her family. If there was any hope of trying to introduce OM to the in laws in the future, the seeds of disgust have already been planted.

I've been picking my battles with her carefully until the ink is dry on the decree. After that, the hammer comes down hard.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 653 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes brother I am also on the list. We all are.So many walks of life , from different parts of the world, different race , religion all with the same story!!!! I am sorry hang in there it is a bumpy ride but you will survive and thrive! all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm..what all of those folks before me said.

Every. Word.

I'd be crying on the floor saying I didn't know how to go on and he'd just stare at me with these cold eyes and say something even more cruel.

ME TOO. Literally laying on the floor of our bedroom sobbing, unable to function, and he would just walk away and leave me there without a word or a touch or anything. Like he was watching me on a screen and I wasn't actually there.

Horribly cruel.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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