Now here's the thing. Her and I agreed to try and be civil but I find her demonizing ever little fault about me. We still live in the same home. Our M was 90% good but now when she looks at me it's only about the 10%. Is this so she can live with the guilt of her affairs? So she can stay motivated for the D? I look at her and I see an empty shell where my wife used to be.
Maybe alien abduction? Unbelievable.
The alternative would be to accept that they are monsters who have done monstrous things to themselves, their spouse, their kids, their family, their friends.
Not.Going.To.Happen. It's easier to lay the blame on your spouse.
eg. He cheated because I didn't cook or drive. He cheated with a woman who.... wait for it... didn't cook or drive!!
Better wives than me have been cheated on. Worse wives than me have not.
It's all the WS.
Many of us are horrified and confused at the extreme venom exhibited - I mean they lied and cheated, broke our hearts and are putting us through the worst experience of our lives. Isn't that enough? Why more salt?
Because this is how they compartmentalise it in their mind - they are not bad people, they weren't happy, weren't 'in love', we weren't 'in love' with them etc etc etc.
The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.
Keep reading, keep posting - you'll see what she's doing is completely pedestrian.
Though you didn't know it, your relationship - back to the beginning - was bad. It has always been so. At least that's what you will now be told. She never told you at the time of course and you were married for 20+ years. No matter.
It's a device for waywards to justify themselves to themselves and to anyone that doesn't listen to the words they say - more people than you think by the way, at least initially.
Keep in mind that she has been writing this chapter for a while. Much longer than you realize. She's gotten probably a year or two ahead of you in distancing herself from the marriage, your family, your life. She needed to do that to self-justify screwing another man while married to you and while lying about it to everyone in her world.
That's why when fucking someone other than your husband (all an affair really is) is okay with them. They deserve better yet have no courage to actually discuss the marriage. They've been repeating and amplifying how awful you are in their heads for quite a while. By the time you find out, they are solipsists.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
That's why when fucking someone other than your husband (all an affair really is) is okay with them. They deserve better yet have no courage to actually discuss the marriage.
Personally, I'm a subscriber to the Alien theory - that's with a capital "A", like the movies. More of a parasite/host situation, where the parasite hatches, then feeds off of - and slowly kills - the host.
Something about turning 40 triggered the alien in my WXW to burst forth from the dying shell of the woman I had married and known for 20 years. The hatchling was an image-obsessed, shallow, materialistic, narcissistic, orange (spray tan) "hot mom" that for some time held my wife hostage...she was in there, and I could see her some days, fighting the new thing, mostly in her role as a mother. She even lauded and openly re-discussed her "awakening"...and there is so much media and marketing out there poised to capitalize on bored, suburban wives/mothers "finding themselves", she found plenty of fuel for the fire.
She started having long conversations with her sister, who, with a successful, loving, devoted, and rather studly husband of her own was in the midst of (probably) her second LTA. And like her sister, my WXW decided she "deserved to be happy".
Ultimately, when it came down to finding justification for the lying, cheating and betrayal, she had nearly 20 years of a happy marriage, of self-professed contentment that was the subject of admiration of family and friends around us. So her re-writes were bound to be extreme; she took up the theme that she "woke up" and wanted to "live".
The host was dead, and the parasite shares custody of my children.
Keep in mind that she has been writing this chapter for a while. Much longer than you realize.
It takes a long time for this to settle in. Particularly if you've been blindsided by the A. You'll begin to see it though, as the months pass. Be patient with yourself as it starts to come into focus. It can be hard to resolve for yourself once you start putting it together. You're going to wonder what possessed you to put up with so much crap from her.
The answer will be that you were married and thought you were in love and were partners and so you stuck it out... but you won't be so willing to tolerate one-sided crap in the future after this. I guarantee.
Get ready for her to treat you like you're an awful person and stare at you blankly when you express that she is hurting you. She won't get it. Also get ready for even more desperate excuses and ways to blame you. They really will try to reach for any straw.
When I found out, my X started blaming me, acting crazy, telling me we were unhappy. It was all bullshit. The reasons he had his A? I wasn't finished with my doctorate and that was 'scary'. (He hadn't finished his, either, btw). Also, he claimed that we were "fiscally incompatible"... yet we had always kept separate bank accounts and routinely borrowed money from my parents. Also, I left the house to go to the ice cream stand without makeup on one day.
My point is, it was all crazymaking nonesense.
I didn't even recognize him. Everything-- his face, his eyes-- seemed different. I'd be crying on the floor saying I didn't know how to go on and he'd just stare at me with these cold eyes and say something even more cruel. And this was a man who had been sweet and kind for a decade. You won't understand it. Don't try to.
My advice is get away from her as quickly as you can. The reason I broke away so fast (within three weeks) was because I knew we had a good M and I refused to let him continue to shit all over it and blame me. I was the object of all of his anger and it wasn't right. I knew the only way to wake him up, if he was ever going to, was to no longer be there as an object of his hate. I wanted him to have to live with himself and his choices. The upside to that approach is, even if they don't wake up, you are on a faster path to healing yourself. And putting yourself first is going to be the most important thing.
Now here's the thing. Her and I agreed to try and be civil but I find her demonizing ever little fault about me. We still live in the same home. Our M was 90% good but now when she looks at me it's only about the 10%
Yes this is what I warned you about. She will say one thing and do another, and in this case attempt to make you out to be a really bad guy so she can get what she wants out of the divorce. Waywards tend to get really greedy in this process. Assume that this person in your wifes skin is not the person you have known and loved all these years.
She is dead and gone. Assume this person is an enemy and will do anything and everything to hurt you and cause you pain. Why? You hit the nail on the head to justify her own choices.
Make sure that you stay strong, and get what you deserve and is rightfully yours in this process.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
I've got to believe that Family Court judges have seen this before. Lol
everything you say and do will be used against you.
divorce is war, the best you can do is try to minimize the casualties.
she is not your friend.
I didn't even recognize him. Everything-- his face, his eyes-- seemed different.
When he was "in the heat" of the A (although I do believe it has been going on the entire year & 1/2) I would look into his blue blue gorgeous eyes and think they looked like ice. Like dead, emotionless eyes. I couldn't even recognize him and it was scarrrrrry.
We made picture collages each year after the kids and they line our hallways. I look at his face with us camping, on our cruise, splashing in a pool, with the boys in front of out beautiful family xmas tree- and I think: "who is that guy and where did he go?"
OTOH, at this point he isn't just jailbait in that sense. He's also joined a drug cartel. He told me "I have to make a living" since he can't use me as a sugar momma anymore.
This is the man who used to walk beside me with a Bible in his hand, wearing a suit and tie and talking to people about how God changed his life. I guess he forgot to mention the part where he committed rape and kept it hidden from the church and from his wife for years.
The comforting part is that at least, while he might rewrite marital history in his head, no one believes him. He was expelled from the church and his own family won't speak to him now.
After it all came out he tried to treat me so nice and be my 'friend'....really?? My friends do not like to me and deceive me and bring OW in my home.
I am very much in the ANGER phase and it has propelled me to move forward and retain attorneys and be a mean BITCH to SBTXH and his SKANK!! I do not have to be nice to me after what they put me through.
The funny thing is I am usually very introverted and do not like confrontation....this experience has been a learning experience!
You can't rationalize irrational behavior.
I already outed her lying ass to her family. If there was any hope of trying to introduce OM to the in laws in the future, the seeds of disgust have already been planted.
I've been picking my battles with her carefully until the ink is dry on the decree. After that, the hammer comes down hard.
I'd be crying on the floor saying I didn't know how to go on and he'd just stare at me with these cold eyes and say something even more cruel.
ME TOO. Literally laying on the floor of our bedroom sobbing, unable to function, and he would just walk away and leave me there without a word or a touch or anything. Like he was watching me on a screen and I wasn't actually there.