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oooops....found a tiny blemish in my healing

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hexed posted 4/2/2014 09:19 AM

My X and I aren't 100% NC and I'm usually just fine with that.

We have a lot of mutual facebook friends so every now and then I get an accidental glimpse into his world. Well last night there was a pic of OW that he was tagged in. Someone commented "Come on! When's the wedding already!" and very briefly I thought...NEVER! She will marry him over my dead body!

OK- I don't really care if they get married. But very viscerally reacted that way for just a moment.

There is something about knowing someone since you were a kid. Even though we are D, I feel a connection to him that I feel to very few people. He's known me through all the phases of my life. The really bad stuff, the successes, the failures, the awkward times, and the big challenges. He stepped in and stayed when I was at my lowest and most scared. Even lower than the D. I know he sees the same things in me. We healed each other and then injured each other. In some way or another we have been connected since first grade.

I think that connection is why he reaches out to me from time to time. I loved him when he didn't love himself. I liked him when he was young and insecure. I have always seen the good in him. Now I see much more honestly the bad things in him and yet in a way I've never walked away 100% The reverse is true. Its a little bit of security.

So somehow, I'd be happy for him if he ever found genuine happiness... either alone or with someone who wasn't OW. He's not a happy person though. He probably won't ever find it and he will probably stay with OW forever no matter how much he complains about her. He can't be alone.

But clearly, I can't be happy for him if it's OW. I don't really care but I won't be happy. And on some level, I still get annoyed that OW might 'win'.

Any of you old timers have an occasional trigger still?

Williesmom posted 4/2/2014 09:59 AM

I do have the occasional trigger.

However, I'm not on good terms with my wxh at all, and I'm completely NC so my reaction is somewhat different.

His current gf is a total bar whore. I hope that he marries her, because she is exactly what he deserves.

I'm the only person that won out of the entire mess that he created. And nothing that he does is going to change my total and complete awesomeness.

Sad in AZ posted 4/2/2014 11:13 AM

Don't worry too much about it. I would probably react to this sort of thing too--more like 'Gak!' than 'Over my dead body' but it would still be there.

I know from several other people that he's not happy with the OW even though he's still with her, so if they were to marry, my thoughts would be 'WTF?'

Like I've said before, we've had similar lives with our Xs. My grandmother was even present at the X's birth

LearningToRun posted 4/2/2014 12:12 PM

My Ex is marring the OW this month. I've known him my whole life and married to him over half of it.

I knew them both when they dated in HS before we got together.

I thought it would kill me, but im actually "Meh"

It took me a lot of work and effort to get here, but i had to detach from the connection i had with him.

You should think about detaching more, Hexed. I resisted it at first too, and it brought me nothing but hurt.

honesttoafault posted 4/2/2014 12:22 PM

It's very normal. You shared a history together and you can't erase that. I've been divorced from xWH#1 for 25 years. He married a lady ( I mean it in the best possible way) a few years later that had nothing at all to do with us. She was kind and good to my kids, and even to my mother.

Yet... when my sons say something in passing about their Dad and his W and they were going on a cruise or whatever, it still stings. I still feel in a way, "that should have been us", but it passes and I let it go. It gets easier with practice, but it still hurts.

With an OW that the WH marries, it's even harder. That's what I'm dealing with in current WH. This OW is NEVER going away and I know the sting will be more of a stab that we will need to recognize it for what it is, validate ourselves that it is ok to feel that way, and let it go. It's very damn hard.

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