But that's just a lot of water
My X and I aren't 100% NC and I'm usually just fine with that.
We have a lot of mutual facebook friends so every now and then I get an accidental glimpse into his world. Well last night there was a pic of OW that he was tagged in. Someone commented "Come on! When's the wedding already!" and very briefly I thought...NEVER! She will marry him over my dead body!
OK- I don't really care if they get married. But very viscerally reacted that way for just a moment.
There is something about knowing someone since you were a kid. Even though we are D, I feel a connection to him that I feel to very few people. He's known me through all the phases of my life. The really bad stuff, the successes, the failures, the awkward times, and the big challenges. He stepped in and stayed when I was at my lowest and most scared. Even lower than the D. I know he sees the same things in me. We healed each other and then injured each other. In some way or another we have been connected since first grade.
I think that connection is why he reaches out to me from time to time. I loved him when he didn't love himself. I liked him when he was young and insecure. I have always seen the good in him. Now I see much more honestly the bad things in him and yet in a way I've never walked away 100% The reverse is true. Its a little bit of security.
So somehow, I'd be happy for him if he ever found genuine happiness... either alone or with someone who wasn't OW. He's not a happy person though. He probably won't ever find it and he will probably stay with OW forever no matter how much he complains about her. He can't be alone.
But clearly, I can't be happy for him if it's OW. I don't really care but I won't be happy. And on some level, I still get annoyed that OW might 'win'.
Any of you old timers have an occasional trigger still?
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler