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Softcentre posted 4/2/2014 10:19 AM

I've had a good relationship with The Arse's brother and his wife. The Arse does not like his SIL, he doesn't really like his brother either. And since they met, The Arse has been saying negative things about them.

I had cognitive dissonance about this. You see I always got on with them in person. But once they'd gone/we'd left, The Arse would start bringing up little things and making a case against them. This got worse during the A. Just before dday we were visiting them but our accommodation fell through at the last minute, The Arse rang them, then told me they couldn't put us up, so I had to ask my mum if she could pay for a hotel for us to stay in, which she did. I've recently found out that The Arse lied, and his brother and SIL offered to put us up. But I believed The Arse for a long time. I repeated what he told me and felt we were unwelcome.

I am ashamed that not only did I believe his lies (about them, his gaslighting in general and other things) but that I repeated them. I am ashamed that I wanted to believe him so much that I bought into it all and then compromised myself further by spreading it.

I can blame him as much as I like...but I could have chosen to keep my mouth shut, instead I wanted to please him, like some kind of stupid attention seeking puppy.

I have just admitted this to them and apologised.

There are other things like this. Areas where I compromised myself to please him. Nothing REALLY awful...but it's insidious and it has done harm.

one2ndchance posted 4/2/2014 11:09 AM

Don't beat yourself up over this.

You have the insight to see what happened. Now you have the ability to change it.

Life is about using our experiences to learn and then taking the lessons to grow into better people.

AlwaysTooNice posted 4/2/2014 12:52 PM

I'm in the same position now. :( I'm finding out all kinds of awful things my stbxWH did and said to and about his friends. I can't believe what an awful, terrible person he is and how he's treated his friends and family. I had no idea and always defended him or spread the lies he spewed in order to clear his name. It's mortifying.

BUT.......... I hope your BIL and SIL told you what my friends have told me. They knew my stbxWH was a liar, a thief, and they know how loyal and trusting I am. Therefore they don't connect me to his betrayals. I was an innocent and doing what any good wife would.

YOU are an INNOCENT. Chances are, people already know how your H is and have put up with him because they love you. Everyone knows that you two aren't the same person, and they don't judge you by his actions. Hold your head high.

Softcentre posted 4/2/2014 14:23 PM

The Arse was a brilliant liar, very plausible. It was only when I started being open about his A that other people started questioning their experiences with him and have discovered the lies, manipulation & alienation...that have been going on for years,well before I met him.

it's been quite a shock to me, tbh. I didn't realise he was lying so much to others too. I had believed that it was our flawed dynamic and until dday I had viewed him as very honest - it's difficult to remember he's not, after almost 18 years. Recently it seems that his lying has soared out of control, he's telling pointless lies and telling people who talk to each other two different things. It's just really stupid, and he's not stupid.

But I do still need to take responsibility for my actions,whether I was manipulated or not. I do not want to blameshift the decisions I made that were wrong.

It was so hard to tell them though...there was that window in a conversation where I could have said nothing, a big part of me wanted to stay quiet and let them blame everything on The Arse, but knew that would be lying by omission and that it would undermine our relationship...and I've learnt what damage that can do!

Destroyed121813 posted 4/2/2014 15:48 PM

Please don't blame yourself. There is no way you could have known. I believe the worst thing is the post-mortem that we keep performing in our heads after we find out about the affair. The What-If Game is killing me personally.

I am sending out a big hug to you and hope you cut yourself some slack. This shit is on him and not on you.