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I feel horrible and selfish.

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She11ybeanz posted 4/2/2014 12:51 PM

So...nana had a stroke about 3 weeks ago. Piper and I have been visiting her every chance we least a few times a week to bring her spirits up. She loves seeing Piper and Piper always gets excited to see her too and will romp in her lap and cuddle with her and baby babble about her latest baby adventures....(or so I assume.... )

But....part of me is sad that I know deep down that she will probably never be able to watch my daughter alone again. I'm going to miss that not only because of the quality time they got together but because of the freedom and "no guilt" feeling she left me with when I would go for a run or hang out with friends at a movie. When my sister watches her....there is this sense of entitlement and she makes me feel like I owe her my life. I always feel the strain of my "time limit" and always am left feeling guilty. Its almost always never worth even the bother of it but she acts like she wants to spend time with her niece. She tries to make me feel bad because I chose daycare over her and never turned back (and I won't....) Last night my dad made me mad and said the obvious... "You know that Nana will probably never be able to do childcare with Piper anymore right?" Um.....yes pink elephant. I'm quite aware. Thank you for shouting your name for the group!!!!! I think he is sometimes trying to quietly state his opinion about me letting my sister watch Piper again and it will do him no good. I am a brick wall on my stance and will not budge. I've already set up a dependent care account and am moving on from that BS.

I miss my guilt-free time. Now its my sister or nothing. I'd rather take my daughter to the gym daycare to be honest (and usually do). My mom has basically written us off and has already stated she can't watch my daughter (paid or not) because of "hip and shoulder problems." No one else watches her and I can't afford to pay a sitter as much as I wish I could. Its just slightly depressing. Poor Nana. I hate seeing her this way. It breaks my heart. I feel like its the end of an era.... for both of us. I just hope she can mentally pull herself out of this. I hate seeing her get depressed. The physical therapy is frustrating her and since she lost her husband a few years ago (sudden heart attack at 58) she has battled with depression ever since. I can relate to the depression at least.

I guess I just need to accept what I cannot change and soldier on. What will be will be. I think I'm in a little bit of a depressed state too lately. I haven't done one race this year....and may not. I couldn't train for the Blue Ridge Marathon at the end of this month due to the move and money issues as well as not being able to train having no one to watch Piper.

Bills are going up and money isn't and there's not a whole lot that I look forward to anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I get to see that big baby grin when I get off work and a loud cry and big hug of a little 20 month old screaming..."moooommmmmmmyyyyy!" But, I definitely feel guilty for feeling like this. Things could be worse.... poor nana is definitely going through a much more difficult struggle. I'm going to do all I can to help her. I have to. She's basically my mom too.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:32 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

DeadMumWalking posted 4/2/2014 13:16 PM

I can't afford to pay a sitter as much as I wish I could.

Can you barter with someone for babysitting time? Set up a babysitting coop? Switch off watching the kids with someone else?

When our kids were small, we COULD afford to pay a babysitter but instead opted to save money by switching off taking care of children with other families. Once in a 'formal' babysitting coop, but more often by a more informal arrangement with other families.

Just a thought.....

She11ybeanz posted 4/2/2014 13:33 PM

Its worth a try!!! I could look around and see if I can find someone willing to do that! Its a good idea.

tushnurse posted 4/2/2014 13:58 PM

When we moved to Dallas and my son was only 8 months old I knew NO ONE and it was really hard to leave him with people. Luckily a lady 2 houses down did in home day care, so that took care of work stuff, but having someone to watch the monster when we wanted to Mom and Dad time.....Well that was another beast. Fortunately a I became great friends with a gal at work, who had a whoops baby, and we traded services. She would even come to my house to watch him. The boys would play, and then I would keep her guy on days that she worked and I didn't. He was a good baby, so it was super easy.

So try to find someone like that through work or even daycare.

Know that she is only going to get bigger, and more independent from this point forward, and you will feel much more comfortable leaving her with people when she can potty on her own, and feed herself, and entertain herself, and so forth.

I am sorry for you Nanna - That stinks. Please know that Depression is a normal and common reaction to a stroke, and her Dr's and she all need to be aware of this, and get on meds right away if she starts feeling blue all the time.

Kajem posted 4/2/2014 15:53 PM


Piper and my DGD started daycare about the same time. DD was approached for a play date with DGD's best buddy in her group by BB's mom. Both are single moms and are going to try the switching on and off for date night.

Ask at daycare who her friends are? You might find a good situation for you and Piper.


devistatedmom posted 4/2/2014 19:32 PM

Do you have one of those running strollers? You could run to your hearts content with Piper watching the scenery go by. No babysitter required.

Whalers11 posted 4/2/2014 20:18 PM

I wish I lived closer to you. I would have no problem watching Piper for a few hours a week for free.

She11ybeanz posted 4/2/2014 21:45 PM

Thank you guys. I know when I'm having a rough day that I can get whatever it is off my chest and you all will listen. I will ask around with the switching thing. Its definitely worth a shot. And thank you Whalers... my little cutie might steal your heart like she did nana!

Tonight there were lots of belly tickles.... my favorite sound is my daughter's laughter.... and when she says "Mommy"...

foreverempty posted 4/4/2014 19:34 PM

Tonight there were lots of belly tickles.... my favorite sound is my daughter's laughter.... and when she says "Mommy"...

And there it is Shelly, the one thing that makes every painful experience you are going through and the difficulties you keep getting faced with, "worth it"

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