The reason that I am bringing this up is sometimes I am reminded of it and I break down. Case in point, on Sunday BH and I were watching a Bar Rescue marathon on Spike TV. For those of you that have never seen it, the host goes into bars that are failing and tries to revive them. A particular episode made me break down. A brother and sister owned a bar, and one of the reasons it was failing was that they no longer utilized their kitchen. The host, Jon Taffer, was asking them why their kitchen was closed. They talked to him about their cousin, who they were extremely close to, who used to make wonderful pizzas in their pizza oven. He had hung himself. The owners couldn’t even bring themselves to go into the kitchen anymore. They were so traumatized by his death. I started breaking down in tears when this happened and started saying “I’m sorry” over and over again to BH. He held me and we didn’t exchange any words. I started thinking about what my death would have done to so many people: my family, my friends, my colleagues, my students (current and former), my cats, and anyone whose life I touched. It is extremely hard to think about it, but I can’t help it. I hope that one day it won’t be so painful.
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
I know what it's like to let go. Very peaceful. I was at peace when I decided to commit suicide. The only thing that stopped me was the week that I was going to do it a classmate of mine beat me to it and she hung herself. I saw the fallout. So I picked my baggage back up and returned to the world of pain. A few years later my brother committed suicide due to his pain.
Things are only getting better pizzalover. I haven't read all of your threads but I have read more of the recent one's. You are making yourself a better person and you are moving forward. I applaud you for it.
If you ever want to talk to me about it offline, don't hesitate to send me a pm. I'm an open book with all this stuff at this point in my life.
I tried to kill myself but failed. I hated myself even more but my therapist really helped me deal with guilt over it and understand it isn't always a selfish cowardly act. But what I needed to do was get my will to live back for me. And not let self loathing build.
I am sorry.
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana