Even weirder: why is he against you doing a triathlon? What's so controversial about a triathlon?
Those are red flags for sure... but that said, if you know this is his baby, he deserves to know.
But no, I don't think you're a jerk for holding back just yet - but it does beg the question: Why are you afraid to tell him about your pregnancy?
He doesn't want me doing those things (PhD, triathlon) because it takes more me time and less us time. He fears I will leave him and associates new changes with that. Thanks for your help:)
I don't think you are being a jerk. You have the advantage of having the equipment to gain this information and share it as you wish. I think it's a good idea to figure out what this means for you before telling him, especially since it will impact you differently.
Your thoughts and fears about telling him and what this would mean for your relationship, especially with regard to your mention of control, are good starting points to look at what's really going on in the relationship. I remember another post of yours exploring some possible resistance (sorry if that's the wrong word) to being fully in the relationship with him at this point. While it makes sense that you would hold back some vulnerability at this time, I seem to be detecting a fierce sense of self that is newly discovered and that you are fiercely protecting, if you don't mind me saying. It's as if this recent discovery of the A awakened you from a long sleep of not being your true self and you are fearful of losing it again. I wonder if this goes beyond the pain of the A and is more a reaction to problems in the relationship pre-A. I may be way off, so I'll stop exploring that in this response, but I have more to share if it is and if you want me to.
So, as I read your posts I wonder if his A gave you the push you needed to break that dynamic and this fierce protection of your independence is what you need to form new habits in the relationship. Including him in this process, if that's what is happening, might go a long way to reclaiming the relationship and helping you both feel connected in a way you haven't been for a long time.
But I may be totally off base.
Now is not the time for you to "hurry up and decide."
Now is the time for him to step it up and really show you he is the man he claims to be.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
If you need a break from him and the relationship to figure it out, then you should take it. I've seen it posted and confirmed so many times that you have to be willing to sacrifice the relationship to save it. While relationship issues are not the reason for the ability to have an A, the A at times highlights them. I have found solace in knowing that the years we spent together, loving each other and experiencing life together contribute to our ability to R. But that realization didn't come until we spent time apart with less feelings of obligation toward each other to get us there. Time apart sometimes allows you each to rediscover yourself and establish your priorities. In your other thread I mentioned that when we as BSs make the decision to R we need to take into account the concerns and feelings of our WSs with regard to the relationship. You have not yet made that decision, however. And though he's doing everything right according to your posts, I'm guessing your compassion toward and consideration of him feels more like an obligation than a choice, which isn't good for either of you. It sounds like you are probably between 6 and 8 weeks if you just found out, too. That gives you approximately one month before feeling too much pressure to tell him. The first trimester symptoms will come on soon, if you have them, but if you take time to yourself he might not notice. Though I think you mentioned that he suspects. In any case, given the situation he might resent that you didn't tell him, but he should understand in the long run.
With regard to IC, some colleges offer these services to their students for free. There are also some free services offered by local organizations sometimes, like Catholic Social Services. And there are lots of therapists that offer a sliding scale for payment when insurance won't cover the cost. In the psychologist code of ethics it is emphasized to take pro bono cases, too. In lieu of that, NOT Just Friends is a great resource. If your relationship dynamic is similar to ours, reading up on pursuer/distancer relationships and codependency might help. I just searched the internet for those resources.
Again, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I relate so much to story and your personal endeavors that it has touched me personally and I want to provide you support. Let me know if I overstep my bounds. Hugs to you. Know that my heart is aching for you right now.
It took months and IC for us to realize and begin to face the relationship issues that contributed to her hopelessness that led to her EAs.
No, I get it -- 100%. My H described it that way - -he felt hopeless, and like I didn't really care. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, and I felt similarly. We were in a bad cycle. He still decided to firebomb the house, metaphorically, but I think it is important to note that most waywards are operating from this place when an affair starts. Happy people don't have affairs.
I agree with confused. Please don't let this situation move you into the R camp just because he says its the right thing to do. Only you are going to know that for sure. If I read your tag line correctly your dday was pretty recent and you are still pretty raw. There is no way you have had time to process all of this and be able to make a firm commitment. Now you have the added complication of raging hormones so, please, take your time.
Just keep on focusing on you and reclaiming yourself and you will eventually get to a place where things are clearer and you will be able to make the choice to move forward with or without him. Nobody gets to make that choice but you!
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell