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Am I being a jerk?

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deena04 posted 4/2/2014 13:17 PM

Have not told WS I am preggo yet. I just don't want to give him any control or upper hand in my life ever again. Found out Monday and it is a shock. Yesterday marked the anniversary of his indiscretion. I am now dropping out of a triathlon this year that I desperately want to do; he never wanted me to do it. I am still going forward with my PhD; he doesn't want that either. I've wanted a little bit of me back for a while, and as soon as I push to get it, I go backwards. By backwards, I mean vulnerable. Any ideas on how long to wait to tell him or how to do so? I know I am probably a jerk for not saying anything yet, but just not ready.

WeHadItAll posted 4/2/2014 13:45 PM

Congrats on moving forward with your PhD! That's a big f'n deal, and I'm not sure why your WS would not be cheering you on. That's worrisome. Why doesn't he want you to get your PhD?

Even weirder: why is he against you doing a triathlon? What's so controversial about a triathlon?

Those are red flags for sure... but that said, if you know this is his baby, he deserves to know.

But no, I don't think you're a jerk for holding back just yet - but it does beg the question: Why are you afraid to tell him about your pregnancy?

deena04 posted 4/2/2014 14:05 PM

If we have a baby, I feel like I am a little more stuck with him. He suspects I am and is fully great and wants us to have one. I haven't told him because I fear he will rugsweep and use this to push full on R. I am not fully there yet. Yes, I know for sure it's his.:)

He doesn't want me doing those things (PhD, triathlon) because it takes more me time and less us time. He fears I will leave him and associates new changes with that. Thanks for your help:)

LivingLearning posted 4/2/2014 18:42 PM

That is tough. I think if I was in the same situation, I would be doing the same thing. The right thing is to tell him, but you don't want the baby changing his feelings, because his feelings have to be about you.
If you want a PhD and triathlon then you should go for it (well the triathlon after baby). I do understand that these things take time, but you should be able to do them. He shouldn't take away a part of you that wants these things. Since he is so worried about not being able to spend every moment with you, do you think he has a codependency issue? Is he going to counseling? Working on any depression issues and making sure his boundaries are solid would be a definite for a PhD. There will be time that you can not be home a lot and that your focus will not be on him. He should be able to support you during those times.

peoplepleaser posted 4/2/2014 20:05 PM

I think I would be doing the same thing, too. I would be thinking about it and trying to figure out what it would mean for the relationship during such a tumultuous time. And you were doing so well finding things to do on your own and gaining your independence. I can see how this feels like a set back, especially since you have to withdraw from the triathlon. I'm so sorry about that. I know that excitement and even though, given my personal story, I would be so happy to be pregnant, I would probably also feel as if it was one more thing holding me back in a sense, too.

I don't think you are being a jerk. You have the advantage of having the equipment to gain this information and share it as you wish. I think it's a good idea to figure out what this means for you before telling him, especially since it will impact you differently.

Your thoughts and fears about telling him and what this would mean for your relationship, especially with regard to your mention of control, are good starting points to look at what's really going on in the relationship. I remember another post of yours exploring some possible resistance (sorry if that's the wrong word) to being fully in the relationship with him at this point. While it makes sense that you would hold back some vulnerability at this time, I seem to be detecting a fierce sense of self that is newly discovered and that you are fiercely protecting, if you don't mind me saying. It's as if this recent discovery of the A awakened you from a long sleep of not being your true self and you are fearful of losing it again. I wonder if this goes beyond the pain of the A and is more a reaction to problems in the relationship pre-A. I may be way off, so I'll stop exploring that in this response, but I have more to share if it is and if you want me to.

deena04 posted 4/2/2014 20:55 PM

People pleaser you are more than welcome to share with me. I do appreciate all the advice I get, positive and negative. Tonight I was planning on telling me, then my dad was rushed to the hospital and I just got home from there. It's not a conversation I want to have in 3 minutes before bed (hubby gets up at 330 am for work). I do want myself and enjoy not fully being "just wife and mommy". Pre-A I put all these self related dreams on hold to focus on us and our family. Yeah that got me I am taking me back and still balancing life at home. I have no idea what to do really.

deena04 posted 4/2/2014 20:56 PM

I meant planning on telling him. Oops. Anyhow my dad is doing ok and more tests tomorrow. We will find out more then.

peoplepleaser posted 4/3/2014 12:00 PM

Well, some of the things you have said about needing to discover yourself are similar to things my partner said to me after DDay. It was about the relationship issues, not her EAs, though. Our ways of being in the relationship conflicted. She assumed the roles in the relationship that she thought were best for me and our life without asserting her own needs and sense of self. Also, without communicating them to me. I have a very strong personality and shared every need and want, doing what I wanted or needed (checking in with her, of course) and assuming that if she had a need or want she would do the same. In the long run, I was getting my needs met, but she lost herself. In the last few years, amidst the stress of our life together, resentment built up. I resented her for her growing distance and she resented me for not anticipating her needs. When DDay happened, she began blaming me for feeling miserable our whole relationship. During, and leading up to our separation she asserted her independence and demonstrated little compassion or care for me in an attempt to extricate herself from her natural tendency to put me and my emotions above her own. She refused transparency and insisted on making her own decisions without consulting with me. It took the separation for her to remove herself enough to realize her part in the relationship dynamic. she also realized that she did and could do things for me out of love rather than obligation. I hate that for her. I wish I had known or recognized the extent to which she lost herself. Because I understand it now, I'm creating space for her to practice asserting her needs while she attends to mine as a result of her EAs. It was a crazy balancing act at first, but it's getting easier and better over time. We are both ecoressing our needs without the pesky perception that it is a competition. We are recognizing that they don't have to conflict.

So, as I read your posts I wonder if his A gave you the push you needed to break that dynamic and this fierce protection of your independence is what you need to form new habits in the relationship. Including him in this process, if that's what is happening, might go a long way to reclaiming the relationship and helping you both feel connected in a way you haven't been for a long time.

But I may be totally off base.

deena04 posted 4/3/2014 13:17 PM

I see your points, peoplepleaser. I am fiercely protecting my independence. I am actually 100 percent certain that I never want to feel dependent upon him again. Part of me wants to include him in on my "new me" and part of me wants to just leave him out. We are working on R more than not, but I really do bounce between staying and going. I have realized I love him, but this was a deal breaker. We either rebuild or split; not sure what (depends on the moment). Part of me doesn't want to tell him until I decide which way on that I want to go. I know he should know, but like someone else said, I want to watch his actions with me based on me, not based on obligation and everything else. My bottom line right now is I want to keep him not fully in my new life; I want to be able to function without him.

peoplepleaser posted 4/3/2014 16:45 PM

Of course you feel that way. If roles were reversed with relationship problems I would feel the same way. It sounds like you need some time and space to sort through it all, and it's a lot to sort through. I feel similarly about not wanting to be so dependent on WS right now, too. It's tough because while I'm in school I am somewhat financially dependent on her. It seems that this pregnancy complicates all that. I agree that I would want to have WS's response to R be about the relationship and me without the added complication or consideration of your pregnancy. I'm not sure how far along you are, but it seems like it has placed some pressure with regard to a timeline for you to figure out what your position is. For us a separation was necessary to determine our individual commitments to R. We separated in-house and I did the 180, but that was because she wasn't meeting my needs for R at the time. If that's not on the table, I hope you are able to find the space you need to figure this out another way. I don't think it's possible to determine a "right" way to do it, anyway. The truth is that you were betrayed after giving your all to the relationship. And now you are in a difficult position to determine what's best for you going forward. My heart goes out to you. I forget if you are in IC. If not, I highly recommend it. I wish you the best. I wish for you some certainty about how to move forward.

deena04 posted 4/3/2014 17:29 PM

Thanks; not very far along. Just found out Monday. I am just sad today, just sad. I hate what my life has become. I hate that I can't figure out how to fix it. Sadly, just when I think we will R is when I think I need a long vacation without him. IC is not in the cards right now for financial reasons and it sucks. Reading and talking is my outlet for now for myself.

deena04 posted 4/4/2014 09:11 AM

I told him last night. He is happy and excited. He understood why I hadn't said anything earlier this week with everything going on. One thing that did put me off is that he told me because of this, I need to make up my mind now about him. I can't flip a switch; it doesn't work for me. He also said I will not have time for my PhD now, but I am holding my ground on that. It is n

confused615 posted 4/4/2014 09:13 AM

Tell him you will make up your mind about him when you're damn good and ready. And in the meantime, he can show you..through his actions..why you should decide to R with him.


Now is not the time for you to "hurry up and decide."

Now is the time for him to step it up and really show you he is the man he claims to be.

deena04 posted 4/4/2014 09:14 AM

Sorry fingers hit submit too soon I is non-negotiable on the PhD. I am doing it! Anyhow, he is baby excited beyond belief and I am trying to get excited.

peoplepleaser posted 4/4/2014 09:22 AM

Yes, it's so very sad. I'm having a sad day, too. It's still pretty early for you to make any permanent decisions right now. It took months and IC for us to realize and begin to face the relationship issues that contributed to her hopelessness that led to her EAs. I always feel the need to qualify that when I state it that way--they weren't the reason she had the EAs, she had them because something in her was broken that made the EAs an option for her at that time.

If you need a break from him and the relationship to figure it out, then you should take it. I've seen it posted and confirmed so many times that you have to be willing to sacrifice the relationship to save it. While relationship issues are not the reason for the ability to have an A, the A at times highlights them. I have found solace in knowing that the years we spent together, loving each other and experiencing life together contribute to our ability to R. But that realization didn't come until we spent time apart with less feelings of obligation toward each other to get us there. Time apart sometimes allows you each to rediscover yourself and establish your priorities. In your other thread I mentioned that when we as BSs make the decision to R we need to take into account the concerns and feelings of our WSs with regard to the relationship. You have not yet made that decision, however. And though he's doing everything right according to your posts, I'm guessing your compassion toward and consideration of him feels more like an obligation than a choice, which isn't good for either of you. It sounds like you are probably between 6 and 8 weeks if you just found out, too. That gives you approximately one month before feeling too much pressure to tell him. The first trimester symptoms will come on soon, if you have them, but if you take time to yourself he might not notice. Though I think you mentioned that he suspects. In any case, given the situation he might resent that you didn't tell him, but he should understand in the long run.

With regard to IC, some colleges offer these services to their students for free. There are also some free services offered by local organizations sometimes, like Catholic Social Services. And there are lots of therapists that offer a sliding scale for payment when insurance won't cover the cost. In the psychologist code of ethics it is emphasized to take pro bono cases, too. In lieu of that, NOT Just Friends is a great resource. If your relationship dynamic is similar to ours, reading up on pursuer/distancer relationships and codependency might help. I just searched the internet for those resources.

Again, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I relate so much to story and your personal endeavors that it has touched me personally and I want to provide you support. Let me know if I overstep my bounds. Hugs to you. Know that my heart is aching for you right now.

deena04 posted 4/4/2014 11:15 AM

Thank you people pleaser ... I told him, but not sure we were ready for that conversation. You are right in saying I am not compassionate towards him very much right now. I have had moments of it, but I snap back into "no, not going to give him that". One day at a time...

bionicgal posted 4/4/2014 11:42 AM

It took months and IC for us to realize and begin to face the relationship issues that contributed to her hopelessness that led to her EAs.

No, I get it -- 100%. My H described it that way - -he felt hopeless, and like I didn't really care. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, and I felt similarly. We were in a bad cycle. He still decided to firebomb the house, metaphorically, but I think it is important to note that most waywards are operating from this place when an affair starts. Happy people don't have affairs.

outtanowhere posted 4/4/2014 11:43 AM

I'm so sorry for your circumstances. I cant imagine the ambivalence of wanting to experience all the joys of learning that you are pregnant but, burdened with the knowledge your spouse betrayed you. So much happiness yet, so much sorrow all in the same place.

I agree with confused. Please don't let this situation move you into the R camp just because he says its the right thing to do. Only you are going to know that for sure. If I read your tag line correctly your dday was pretty recent and you are still pretty raw. There is no way you have had time to process all of this and be able to make a firm commitment. Now you have the added complication of raging hormones so, please, take your time.

Just keep on focusing on you and reclaiming yourself and you will eventually get to a place where things are clearer and you will be able to make the choice to move forward with or without him. Nobody gets to make that choice but you!

deena04 posted 4/5/2014 07:21 AM

I wish I waited longer to tell him. He's driving me nuts! I went to a work BBQ with the girls from work last night and he freaked out because I didn't check in with him. He knew where I was and I was only gone for 2.5 hours. Just because he has lied about where he was when this all happened does not mean I do.

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