Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Why is life such a struggle for me??

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

whensitover posted 4/2/2014 15:43 PM

Why am I always behind? Why can I not keep up with other people? I have one teen child at home, my husband and I both work, I am constantly doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands, and it never gets done!! I look around and it seems like everybody else has a cleaning fairy and errand fairy and cooking fairy and they get to at least relax a little. It seems like everyone else my age is leaps and bounds ahead of me. I am so sick of feeling unaccomplished. It just seems like my kitchen is overrun with mail and junk and I just cannot get ahead. I clean the bathroom and I turn around and it is a wreck again. My bedroom is overrun with clothes. How do other people make it look SO easy??

simplydevastated posted 4/2/2014 15:45 PM

It just sounds like you need a little organization. Does your husband and teen help with the errands and cleaning? Or is all left to you?

Gottagetthrough posted 4/2/2014 16:10 PM

I am in the same boat. I feel like I am so behind, and everyone's house is bigger, cleaner, etc...

I think we see most people's good side, and we all need to give ourselves a break.

unfound posted 4/2/2014 16:16 PM

sometimes it's really overwhelming, isn't it?

let me reassure you that not everyone is sparkly and shiny and as put together as they seem or their houses appear to be. for some, it comes naturally, being organized and outwardly cucumber cool with all that life entails... for some it's a struggle. don't compare yourself to others, but only to your own standards that are important to you.

my house isn't clean by any means, but it's filled with laughter and mischief of teen boys all the time. I'll take pizza roll bags on the counter over clean counters for that. I'm constantly running late or a day behind, but my family is healthy enough to jump out of bed to me screaming "LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!". I'll take that over waking up at 5am to do laundry. My floor right now seems like it has enough cat hair on it to make another couple cats.. but my kitties make me laugh when they skid across it. I'll take that over not having them have a forever home with me..


if it's overwhelming you, then make a plan. take small steps to organize and plan in order to have some time for yourself. one thing at a time. enlist help from your H and teen. don't sweat the small stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.. or something like that .

sadone29 posted 4/2/2014 16:54 PM

Me too!!

We live in a small place with barely any storage or closets. If I don't clear the table every day (and I don't, because it stresses me out), it becomes covered in mail, drawings, books, etc.

The kids have so many toys and clothes that I feel like we're drowning in them. I know I need to de-clutter, but even the thought overwhelms me.

Dreamboat posted 4/2/2014 17:07 PM

I have given up caring. I really have, at least about cleaning. For example, I sort my mail in the car (I grab it from the mailbox while in the car). Junk mail goes on the passenger seat floorboard...and there is stays and piles up for months. So be it. My laundry often stays in the dryer for days -- I use my laundry room as a closet almost. DD has taken over the kitchen table with school work -- I have not seen the surface of the table in months. So be it. Dirty dishes sit in the sink until I find the time to unload the dishwasher and load it again. Unless it is a true emergency, I only go to the grocery store on Sunday. If I miss something then we do without because I don;t have the time to stop and get it. The dogs only get food that can be bought at the grocery store. No matter how much better Blue Buffalo is, they do not get it because the grocery store does not sell it.

And today I almost ran out of gas. I actually planned my commute home based upon the most convenient place to get gas (maybe not cheapest, but easiest to pull into and pull out of).

Please give yourself a break. There is only so much time in a day. Let some things slide and do not feel guilty about it. If anyone in your family complains, politely explain that they are more than welcome to take over doing that task since they think you are doing a lousy job. Give them a choice: STFU or do it themselves.

Lionne posted 4/2/2014 17:10 PM

I always was a neat freak. It used to agitate me if I was in a room where there was clutter, unwashed dishes, dust, etc. I know now, it was partly the way I dealt with the unmanageable life I had, living with an undiagnosed SA. I didn't know about his SA, I just knew my life was out of control. I COULD control dirt, messes, the state of my home. I thought.

It is an illusion. It is true, the bathroom/kitchen/laundry IS needy of attention the minute you finish it. That's because real people live there. They are the ones that count, not the dust bunny police.

That being said, it is hard to function without some sense of organization, without reasonable cleanliness, without being able to find the things you need to do a job. But you aren't the only one who should be responsible for that household. Others should step up. No one person can do it all.

On a practical level, the first thing to do is simplify. For instance, if paper is a problem, don't bring junk mail into the house. Sort it at the door, relegating most of it to the recycle can immediately. Sign up online to cut down the amount you get. If people leave stuff around the house, get each of them a SMALL basket. Their debris goes into it as you come across it. Set a system. It gets put away properly in a set amount of time or it's donated to charity or discarded.

There are lots of ways, small steps to help you out. But you don't have to be perfect...

MissesJai posted 4/2/2014 17:14 PM

I do all the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, making doctor appointments, etc. Hubs cleans the house. Sometimes I get overwhelmed but I'm leaning more and more towards not giving a fuck and accepting that I'm doing the best I can - otherwise I'm going to drive myself and those around me crazy and I'd rather be happy.

Life is too short.

GabyBaby posted 4/2/2014 17:34 PM

Boy oh boy do I feel your angst on this one! (Brace yourself...I'm about to get really longwinded).

When my kids were younger, I had to give up a lot of control. I worked full time, went to school full time, and was also raising young kiddos.
Some stuff just simply did not get done.

When we moved into our house 5 years ago, I was overwhelmed (big house, yard, etc) and had to do something to get my sanity back. Initially I had a list with the days of the week and each day had a room/area of the house that was to be cleaned. I made EVERYONE stop and help or face the Wrath of Mom (and while I'm normally very mild mannered, you do NOT want to piss me off).
That worked reasonably well to get everyone in the "we all live here, so we all have to contribute" mindset.

Now, I no longer have any minor kids, so there are only adults in my home. Add to that, we have 4 dogs and 2 cats. I DEFINITELY do not like coming home to a mess that I'm "expected" to clean up. I don't expect (and will likely never have) perfect neatness, but clutter drives me batty.

Mail gets sorted once. Like a previous poster said, most of it goes into the trash/recycle bins outside and never make it into the house. For bills, I have them sent to me via email or I simply login to their site and pay as needed.

I'm do 95% of the cooking in my household. If I come home to a sinkful of dirty dishes and/or a dirty kitchen, I will not start cooking until it has been cleaned up. My family knows this (and I've only been "tested" once ). When I walk in the door most evenings after work, the kids are either just finishing up putting away clean dishes or the dishwasher is running. Either way, the counters, etc are clean and I can jump in and cook.

With the number of animals in our home, if we don't vacuum at least every other day, my carpets would resemble the snow banks currently seen on the East Coast. I usually do this chore myself since I am a stickler for certain things.

Bathrooms stuff you can try cleaning as you go.
Sometimes, I'll clean the sink as I'm brushing my teeth. If you have to wait for the shower to warm up, take that minute to scrub the toilet.
I've cleaned the shower while I'm in it getting ready for the day. (Multi-tasking at its best, my husband usually jokes).

My husband does car maintenance, handyman stuff around the house, and the yard work that our lawn service does not take care of.

Every evening before we go to bed, I (or hubby) do the rounds to lock up and turn off lights. That's a great time to do quick tidying up (5-10 minutes tops). I haven't done my teens (now adults) laundry since they were around 10-11yrs old when they were taught how to do it. At this point, if they want clean clothes, they wash their own. Likewise with "their" bathroom and bedrooms. If they complain that something is dirty, I hand them a broom. We don't allow food in the bedrooms, so the risk of pests due to food crumbs isn't an issue.

I don't stress over putting laundry away. We have enough baskets that I sometimes live out of the laundry basket for a week before it all gets put away.

Based on my "hate" of clutter, I just try to head off the usual sources of instant clutter before they become bigger issues.

It ISN'T easy, but you just need to choose your battles (or learn to love messy)!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:51 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

whensitover posted 4/2/2014 18:40 PM

I feel so much better reading everyone's responses! My biggest problem is I don't know how to 'start' I take on problems and tasks when there is no other choice! My husband works alot of hours, so I never suggest he do to much. I got to work on delegating to my teen better, because she is a social butterfly and I do enjoy seeing her enjoy her life. Also, I have a desk job that I'm far from crazy about, it's pretty boring and I really think my brain is turning to mud. When I get off work all I feel like doing is coming home and collapsing in front of the tv-numb and overwhelmed all at the same time! I need to exercise more, motivation at all!!! So glad to hear I am not alone!!!

gypsybird87 posted 4/2/2014 18:57 PM

You are definitely not alone! I feel the same way. Always behind on things. I feel like if I could ever GET caught up, then I could STAY caught up. Ha. I'll you know if that ever actually happens.

What I really don't get is that I was more on top of things before the D. When I had 5 loads of laundry a week instead of two, and way more dishes, messes and general household stuff to do. No one was helping- I was doing it all. Now there is less to do, so why am I more behind??

Gottagetthrough posted 4/3/2014 07:17 AM

I feel so much better reading everyone's responses! My biggest problem is I don't know how to 'start' I take on problems and tasks when there is no other choice! My husband works alot of hours, so I never suggest he do to much. I got to work on delegating to my teen better, because she is a social butterfly and I do enjoy seeing her enjoy her life. Also, I have a desk job that I'm far from crazy about, it's pretty boring and I really think my brain is turning to mud. When I get off work all I feel like doing is coming home and collapsing in front of the tv-numb and overwhelmed all at the same time! I need to exercise more, motivation at all!!! So glad to hear I am not alone!!!

Oh my goodness, I could have written this... My kids are very extroverted, so I spend a big chunk taking them places, playdates, activities, etc... Then my WH works a ton, so I feel bad asking for his help with house suff

At the end of the day, I get the kids to bed, and after stories, tuck ins, reassurance that there are no monsters under their beds, listening to what their favorite color is and why Yep, I go downstairs and fall on the couch with the remote. Wake up at 2 am, in my jeans, teeth not brushed, dinner dishes in the sink...

But when people come over, my house is clean (I stress clean it for a few days ahead of company!) And on facebook, my life is great!

I am consistently 15-20 minutes late everywhere (school, a job interview once... EVERYWHERE)

we are right there with you, sister!!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:18 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

whensitover posted 4/3/2014 08:14 AM

I think this is part of depression. I think depression just clouds your mind and you are foggy (not SI foggy) and your fuses start to blow one at a time. Nothing I seem to take for depression actually works, and then when you fall behind, you get even more depressed and frustrated! And my husband doesn't really help this because he has a short fuse himself and when he says something to me in a critical form, I shoot one back and then it is on!! And then I feel even more inferior and defeated. I just cannot seem to get ahead of this dreaded feeling no matter what I do. Yesterday when I got home, there were TONS of stuff to do, but my daughter and husband had decided to go fishing. I could have went with them I suppose, but I didn't have the energy. I cleaned the kitchen, fixed myself something to eat and then sat down to watch the laundry multiply. It's a strange feeling to have anxiety and depression all at the same time. Ex: I take an alka seltzer at night before I go to bed, not every single night, but 4/7 nights I will take one. My husband thinks this is "drug abuse" I've told him over and over, there is nothing in it to be addicted to. He say's okay, whatever, won't mention it again...and then he does. And I blow up. And it turns into an all out war with nobody holding back. He says I am not the same person, and I hold back from screaming every horrible thing he has done to me-to us. I don't want to go there because I know it may be the end if I do. I know I need some help. I need for someone to jumpstart my battery in some way. I always make up with him and I always apologize. He plays extreme mind games. This morning when we were trying to resort our disagreement about the 'drug problem' I have, he told me he wouldn't mention it again, that I would not hear him say anything else about it. I said thank you, that would help things if he didn't. And then he said...."If that is something you've GOT to have...then I won't push it".................that right what sends me over the freakin EDGE. JUST SHUT UP!!!! But his mother is a PRO at mind games, she raised all of them this way. The truth is....I love him...but he is driving me insane. He says I have this drug problem. I take something for high cholesterol, I take a hormone, I take a thryoid medicine and I take Prilosec. That's it. No narcotics, nothing that makes you loopy. HE however was prescribed Zoloft due to anxiety, but he will stop taking it once he feels better. This is killing our marriage, and I have told him this. But he still insists it is me. And he's is me. But 'me' can't be 'me' with him acting this way. I am more resentful of him, because he doesn't let up. If he promises to not say something again, or to not bring something up again, he always manages to sneak in a snarky comment...his way of winning the argument...and it's driving me insane. INSANE. And there is no 'walking away' from an argument, because he is a grudge holder and it never ends unless I end it by making things better. The "drug problem" thing just takes the cake with me. It's like saying someone is a child molester because they hugged a child. He blows everything out of proportion and then doesn't let up. And then has the audacity to say to me "I never start any of these fights...we would never have a cross word if you wouldn't say anything" It's endless mind games to make me think it's always me.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy