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I feel like this can't be Real Life

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selfrespect911 posted 4/2/2014 15:58 PM

I've posted a lot this week, I'm very sorry for that.

I just feel each new event is more and more like I'm living in some twisted Truman Show.

Sunday, we had to attend a Christening together (as he was made godfather). There was obvious tension as we sat, both atheists, listening to a Catholic sermon about temptation and forgiving sins. Seriously?

Then Mother's Day dinner, faking smiles all around even though we and his parents know the Whole Truth, we still sat acting like everything was okay just to get through a Mother's Day dinner.

Monday night he was caught in a lie by me and his mom. Lots of crying (from him) followed. He had bought me a bag of crisps because "I know you don't like chocolates". What the actual F.

Tuesday, I had a mental breakdown. Sobbing, hysterical saying over and over, I don't deserve this. He patted me pathetically on the back and I cried for half an hour before he offered me a diazepam to help me sleep.

And today? He was avoiding me. Until he went to run to the shops.

Guess who got in a car accident? That's right. MY WH. His fault. He wasn't paying attention. He's fine, all three cars are drivable. But he came home sobbing and I held him for a bit until his mother came over to CLEAN UP THE MESS. And he turned up the Victim Card like I've never seen before.

Luckily his sister is not remorseful (like me) and told her mom she needs to let him realise he's destroying not only his life, but the lives of people who genuinely love him all because of this A.

I just couldn't believe it. I finally, after a month and a half had a vulnerable night last night, let him see all the pain, and the next day HE GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND MANAGES TO TURN THE PITY PARTY BACK ON TO HIMSELF.

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 4:02 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]

selfrespect911 posted 4/2/2014 16:01 PM

Even more messed up is this morning his pathetic AP posted a tweet about how she's just like Daisy (from Great Gatsby - she lives in this fantasy that she is Daisy and he is Gatsby, which I find ironic). Some quote about careless people smashing things up then saying she "didn't think it through" and is "living up to it" (the title of Daisy I guess)

AND THEN HE GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT. So similar to the novel. Self-fulfilling prophecy?!

lovehimbutscared posted 4/2/2014 17:16 PM

All I can say is that he sounds familiar, it's ALWAYS about him no matter what. As he sits in the other room and avoids me since the weekend. I am asking for transparency with his phone, etc...but he is private..but has nothing to hide. These are the typical selfish men that we met, we just didn't see it soon enough. You are entitled to a breakdown, I have had several episodes of crying in the last cpl weeks. I think it's good for them to witness the damage they have done.

selfrespect911 posted 4/2/2014 17:49 PM

I think my breakdown last night was a genuine eye opener for him. It's just super unfortunate that he had this accident to kind of give him "reason" to shut me out tonight. Honestly in the two years I've known him, I never ever ever in my life EVER would have called him a selfish person up until SHE came back into his life. Maybe he was a long time ago... But since I've known him, when he was at his mentally strongest and healthiest, I never would have thought in a second to call him selfish.

Avoidant? Scared? Anxious? Low confidence? Yes. But never selfish. Until her...

I'm going to find a balance between showing him the pain he causes me, and NOT being a complete and utter mess. Haha. I don't want to be too needy or pathetic. I am doing the 180 but only managing a 120 at this point because of these RIDICULOUS events!

LivingLearning posted 4/2/2014 18:26 PM

That is tough to deal with! He should be helping you heal, not the other way around.


Don't apologize for too many posts. We are here for you.

Keep hanging in there and keep expecting him to help you heal.

Skan posted 4/2/2014 19:12 PM

Don't apologize for coming here when you need us. Think of us as a pool of clear spring water. Dip your cup in and drink when you have the need. (((hugs)))

lovehimbutscared posted 4/2/2014 21:26 PM

I am glad that he hasn't always been selfish. This situation for me has really made me take a long hard look the beginning the red flags were there. He has and has had other problems, but no excuse.
That is good, you find that balance. I think I have..I am doing the 180 as well, trying at least. I still cry when he talks to me though. I think it's Bc I know I am really done.
People are so nice here..keep up the great work:)

selfrespect911 posted 4/3/2014 12:56 PM

Think of us as a pool of clear spring water. Dip your cup in and drink when you have the need.

That's beautiful, thank you guys. It is therapeutic posting on here.

He spent some time with me today, being mentally present, and actually talking to me, asking about things in my life lately.

This doesn't change my attitude towards him, but it is cathartic to have a relatively calm day, compared to our week-long exhausting, emotional shitstorm.

doggiediva posted 4/3/2014 14:05 PM

If you can afford it, take a trip out of town to a pretty part of the country.. Going away and seeing a favorite friend or relative on your own does wonders...Especially if you and the friend or relative can do a lot of fun things while you are there..

Also the added benefit of strengthening your relationships with relatives/ friends you had before the marriage...

I just returned from such a trip..

I have done two of these trips away in the past 6 months already, both about two weeks long..

Fun distraction and such a sanity saver..

Marriage with somebody who is more comfortable making things all about him or her is not a real marriage..This kind of person is too immature to deserve a spouse who wants a balance of give and take in the marriage..

Being in a marriage where one has to be the parent or caretaker all the time is bad for the soul..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:11 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

selfrespect911 posted 4/3/2014 16:58 PM

I have two trips planned, and two separate occasions of friends visiting me! And I've been very vague about it with WH. He knows I'm going, but I haven't told him exact dates - and he doesn't ask because he's been so distant and cruel this week. He did start asking questions today...

Today was a decent day, at least he was nice and talking to me. We did things together. We said good night, I went to my room, and checked my 'secret sources' and found them having a dirty exchange literally within two minutes of me saying good night.

So I went into his room while he was in the middle of this convo and asked for a word. Just said I appreciated his effort today, but one good day does not excuse the abuse he continually puts me through. This is when I demanded his presence from now on, at all times. He will focus on me, take care of my needs, be my friend. He agreed. I purposefully did this in the middle of their convo to amp up the guilt and reality that 'shit, it's going to be hard to keep both a wife and girlfriend happy soon...'. He's trying so hard to pretend like he's not keeping secrets anymore, that he doesn't protest my requests like this; whereas two weeks ago, even one week ago, he used excuses to do things without me. His new faked attention works nicely for me with my new strategy anyway.

I'm still keeping my knowledge secret. Just watching them screw up publicly until I can use it for my ultimate benefit. At the very least, it's ammo for future D. And as long as i can remember his disgusting exchanges between her and his constant lies, when we have a good day it won't affect me, just like when we have a bad day, it won't affect me. I'm trying to learn to detach from it all completely.

SadInNC posted 4/3/2014 21:29 PM

Hi. Don't apologize for posting a lot because then I would have to apologize also and I don't feel like it. Hey, we all have our days and that's why SI is here.

It sounds like you're putting up with a lot from this guy. I mean, walking into a room when he is on the phone with the OW and not calling him out on it takes a huge amount of tolerance. If you think that this was a strategic move to make him feel guilty, I have my doubts about that. Next time he wants to call her, he may just leave the house so he isn't interrupted by you. He is continuing his A, so the guilt card will not work on him right now.

Get tough. Turn the 120 into a full on 180. Insist on NC with "Daisy" (really? pleeease...)

Good luck to you and keep posting, selfrespect.

PS) I have a question and you don't have to answer, I'm just curious. You mentioned that you are both athiests but he was made godfather at a catholic ceremony? That's confusing to me.

selfrespect911 posted 4/5/2014 04:28 AM

He wasn't on the phone with her -- he was 'texting' her. So he easily pretends he's just browsing the internet, etc.

I'm not calling him out on it, because then I would reveal my strongest source at the moment. He can't know I know about this 'secret source'. Not now. I'm saving it for when/if I move out at the end of the month. Hit him with all the evidence, printed, in his face, so he can't deny it. But in the meantime, I just watch him make his mistakes, I tell his mom and sister each time he does it so they can keep tally and talk to him if necessary (they don't know details or the source either, just that I have proof and they're inclined to believe me), but I won't be the one confronting him YET.

Problem with insisted on NC with Daisy (lol) is that he still pretends he IS NC with her. And if I push AGAIN, he'll just go further underground. So part of the 180 is I've stopped accusing, pleading, begging, and I've stopped 'caring' about where he goes and when.

For this month I have nothing else I can do. I'm taking him to counselling with me. I'm making him see my pain more, without being needy, I guess. He is making effort to be more 'present' with me and do things together, but effort has to come from him. I refuse to initiate.

I'm working out a plan to move out at the end of the month and let him "be with" her. Let him enjoy the fantasy for it's whole gruesome reality, which means his family ostracising him and no cake eating. We'll see. Looking at my options.

His friends who made him godparent are catholic, or at least were raised catholic. It was their ceremony and from what I can tell more for the 'show' and 'promise' of it, than actually wanting a genuine godparent role model. You know the types I mean? We happily obliged, but are definitely atheists.

Credence posted 4/5/2014 04:53 AM

I'm working out a plan to move out at the end of the month and let him "be with" her
Good for you. I would suggest that you go NC with him when you move out. If he wants to make the marriage work he'll have to work damned hard and this will be an indicator to you of how committed he is. He is either all-in or not at all. The fog may or may not subside but you are looking after you right now... that should be your top priority. If you're too available after you move out then he will be able cake-eat ie. be with her when things are good and fall back on you when all is not rosy in their little playpen. That is a situation you definitely don't want.

Sending you strength.

selfrespect911 posted 4/5/2014 10:04 AM

Absolutely. At this point, NC with him will be a breeze for me.

I'm using this month to gather evidence and keeping his sister and parents updated on the lies he's feeding us all, so by the end of the month I can present the evidence, and have his family go NC with him as well. Something they warned him about a month ago, should I need to move back in, then he's out of their lives too. Not to guilt him into being with me, but because he needs to see that all of his consequences are hurting not just me, but EVERYONE who cares about him.

OW doesn't care about him. She cares about herself and "them". It's so annoying listening to him talk because I can actually HEAR her words and brainwashing... So pathetic.

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